Console Surgery

If you could unplug and power-off a human being for the sake of an operation, then "repairing" people probably wouldn't be all that different from repairing a machine, right? I mean, you open them up, try and fix what's broken, remove what shouldn't be in there or replace a piece with something better, close them back up and they should work just fine, assuming you've reattached everything the way it was. I had to do exactly that with our Nintendo Wii today.

It turns out that the Wii was designed by a bunch of assholes. See, I wanted to insert an SD card, it was dark, I didn't see what I was doing and since the dvd drive is less than a half inch away from the SD card slot, well...
Yes, yes, I put it in the wrong hole, fucking hilarious.
It's not the great analogy (anal, get it?) you might think it is, because the Wii doesn't just encourage you to use the wrong slot by accident through its anatomy - it sucks the foreign object right in. How's that, huh? I bet that never happened to you when you put it in the wrong hole. Yeah, didn't think so.

"How would that even work?"

See, you don't just push a little button and a little tray comes sliding out. The drive detects that you're putting something in there and it eagerly gobbles it up, not giving a shit whether it's a dvd or your SD card, a penny or some shit. If you do a google search on foreign objects inside a Wii's dvd drive, well... let's just say it's a pretty damn common problem.

So, if your Wii ever decides to eat something that isn't a dvd, you're gonna have to open her up. Remove a ton of stickers and rubber feet, unplug some power and data cables, reach all the way inside (which also requires a set of special Y-shaped screwdrivers), remove all the screws that keep the damn dvd drive together, remove whatever the fuck is stuck inside and then put the whole damn thing back together. Hurray!

Thing is, our SD card wasn't just bought to be used with the Wii. We usually put it in the camera. And the one day I couldn't use the damn camera, sans SD card and everything, is when our monitor lizard has learned a new trick. If you drag the laces of his favourite shoe across the floor he'll go and chase after them like a cat, eventually jump and bite them and then play tug of war with you like a dog. The amazing thing is how he does a whole 360 degree spin whilst tugging on the damn things. You know, like an alligator, twisting a chunk of meat out of some fresh kill. It's incredibly cool and really fun to watch and I'd be sharing a video of it right now, if... well, you know. I finally got the damn SD card out of the Wii after taking it apart bit by bit (AND the damn Wii still works after I put it back together!), but now Hugo is tired from all the fun we had yesterday, so he's not even coming out of his tank. Meh.

So, why the fuck would I even want to be anywhere near a Wii with my SD card? Well...

Yes, that's Ronald McDonald, Boba Fett and Colonel Sanders. And one of the many reasons why most of us no longer give a shit about Sega, but cmon, does this make you want to play Smash Bros. or what?

Disturbingly sexy Birdo creeps me out more than Michael Jackson.

A bunch of people have tweaked and edited Smash Bros. Brawl a bit to make it play and feel more like Smash Bros. Melee. And that seemed kind of fun, so I wanted to give it a try and since I was already hacking the Wii and modifying games, I figured - hey, adding a couple new characters, songs and maps can't hurt, right?

Sephiroth / Iron Man - sounds like horrible, awful fan-fiction and now it's in a video game. Yay!

All the characters still use move-sets and abilities from existing avatars, so the whole thing is just as playable and balanced as regular Smash Bros. You just get a little more variety.

And Leonardo beating the crap out of Batman is something everyone wants to see.

I don't think I'm ever gonna need another beat 'em up. Sure, there's stuff like Mugen, which lets you put literally anyone or anything inside a fighting game, but who wants to spend all day memorizing complicated special attacks when you can just mash your way to victory on Smash Bros.?

Batman fighting a cow inside a level from Sonic 2. My life is complete.

Aaaaand... those guys, I guess.

This isn't some shitty texture replacer like the stuff people managed to squeeze in there a few years ago. There are some pretty amazing stages and models out there. And if I can choose between Batman and Pacman, well... sorry, no Wii U for me.

-Cat