Dat Headstart

I've been quiet for a while, what with me having to play TESO for work and everything. I'm nearly level 30 now, the game is still great. For the most part. I think the first 15 or so levels with the Ebonheart Pact were a bit laame. I was with the Aldmeri Dominion in the beta and had to do epic shit such as closing Oblivion gates, kicking dremora ass and meeting fun characters like Razum-Dar.
With the Ebonheart Pact it's a bit different. Every town, village, outpost, fucking public outhouse, EVERYTHING is occupied by enemy forces. You always end up helping some useless army retake the place. Solo. I don't know what all those soldiers and generals are doing in Stonefalls, but they're so comically helpless and incompetent, not even the Galactic Empire would hire them.

Another problem with the Ebonheart pact is how many of the early dungeons are carbon-copies of each other. Identical layout, interiour design and everything. Just slightly different baddies. Aaaand they're not exactly complex. Well, see for yourself:

"Dungeon", 2014

"Well, at least there are no generic kill and fetch quests in this game", I hear you say. Well, that's true for the most part. Except during those moments where you receive generic kill and fetch quests, of course.

Moaning about these things has earned me the scorn of my fellow critics. Look, I get it. It would be idiotic to expect an MMO entirely without "kill this, gather that" kind of stuff. And honestly, there is very little of that in TESO. It's all good. I just like to poke fun at the many previews and articles and blogs out there, claming this sort of thing simply doesn't exist on there at all.

The game tells some great stories. There's the lonely hagraven, who asks you to help her "convince" her runaway husband to stay by her side, while said hubby is asking you to help him escape. And then you have to pick a side. Ultimately, there don't seem to be any benefits or drawbacks to either decision, it's really just for fun. And did I mention the whole thing happens inside some sort of dimensional rift, which can only be accessed through what looks like a treasure chest? You expect some sweet loot and - BOOM! You're with the court of talking ravens. I'm not even making this up.
There's a quest where a wannabe wizard somehow transforms his (male) friend into a female goblin, who then gets abducted by male goblins and forced into a marriage. So it's your job to rescue the future "bride". They probably would have let him go right after the wedding night, anyway.

"What? You're acting like you've never seen one of those before!"
-"Seen one? I fucking have one!"

The game has some really great tales to tell, the Ebonheart stuff gets a little better once you leave the first zone and get to the more interesting bits. And the only reason why I'm typing and not gaming right now is the current server maintenance to prepare TESO's "official launch". You know, for the two or three people who missed the headstart phase for some inexplicable reason. And people are going nuts. "I have paid [exaggerated amount of money] to get a headstart and now I can't get in!"

People wanna play, servers are down, of course they're angry. And now they're losing precious "headstart" time, because all the common riff-raff will be allowed in when the servers come back on. Tragic! I can understand the rage to some extent, but when people claim (and actually believe) they paid 50 Quid "for their early access", they're just a bit stupid. Yes, the early access keys cost a little more than the boxed retail versions, but what you really paid for to gain a headstart is maybe an extra tenner. Check the official forums and you'll see people acting up like everyone joining with retail launch somehow got their game for free. Of course one might question the timing behind said maintenance phases, which always happen to start right in the middle of fucking European prime time.

And I just wanted to look at the flowers.

I'm curious to see how the devs are going to react to all the whining, which is already happening all over the forums. If you dislike something about a game, go to the official forums and bitch about it in the least constructive way possible - such is the law of online gaming. There's the guy who complains about how TESO "always forces him to play in a group", because it's clearly impossible to solo his level 3 quest mobs, despite him being an "experienced sorcerer." He refers to the devs as amateurs, because clearly, they're the ones here who have no idea WTF they're doing.

Then there's level 50 guy. In a manner, which is shockingly polite and constructive for a public gaming forum, he remarks that gaining veteran levels post level 50 might be a little too difficult. He's giving examples and explanations, he's not complaining or anything. And then the angry mob tears him to shreds. "Go back to WoW", "this is not how you're supposed to play this game", "serves you right". Because, oh god now, some guy is already level 50 while I'm playing the tutorial - what an asshole, right? Sigh.

There's this constant complaining about TESO not offering enough quests. "Help, I'm level 8 and I've completed all the quests and I have nothing to do!" Games like WoW breadcrumb you from one quest-hub to the next. Do everything in one location, wait for the game to lead you somewhere new, rinse, repeat. TESO does that to some extent, but there are countless dungeons, villages and other interesting areas along the way, which you'll only discover if you actually go and explore. There's an insane amount of high quality content behind every corner, which you'll miss if you can't be arsed to look.

There's also a bunch of people complaining about TESO being too difficult. I think it's just right, it has its challenging sections, but so far I've managed to get through everything without too much trouble. But I've been in areas where players literally sit and wait for some other people to walk by and attack baddies, so they can just jump in, leech some experience and loot from their kills and tag along, whether the other party wants it or not. There are moments where this gets so annoying, sometimes I pull a bunch of enemies, cease all AoE and only focus a single bad guy, causing the rest of the monsters to attack and kill my uninvited follower. One hilarious death and a /lol later I'm alone again. Satisfaction.

Also - Ritual of Mara:

In other news, our pet lizard is so huge now, he climbs out of the bath tub all by himself when he's had enough and steals the cat food. If you're a regular to my Youtube channel, then you've already seen him climb in and out of his tank all by himself. He also climbs the couch now if he wants a hug.

I love this shit. I mean, is this how you'd expect a freakin' lizard to behave? You'd think all they do all day is eat, sleep and crap, right? This guy comes out of his tank when he's bored, drags his shoe around the living room, interrupts gaming sessions, helps himself to whatever he can find in the kitchen and eventually goes back in the tank for a nap when he's had enough. He knows where everything is and walks around like he owns the place. Again, it's the kind of behaviour you'd expect from a cat or a dog - they know where the food is, they'll suck up to you for treats and attention and they'll play and entertain themselves when they're bored. I didn't know reptiles would act just like that. I mean, we've had bearded dragons for a while now and they're adorable, but they're also morons.

They're a little bit like a chicken.

Of course, comparing a beardie's intelligence to that of a monitor lizard would be like comparing a hamster to a dog. But that's pretty much all the experience I had to go by before we got Hugo. I mean, sure, we also have Snakes and everything, but...

They're puppy-eyed, tongue-flicking worms.

Our python sleeps all day and digs tunnels all night. It eats once a week. That about sums up its entire "personality". Yeeeees, you can pick it up, it'll look around, be surprisingly friendly and eventually try to hide inside the sleeve of your shirt or something, but that's as exciting as it gets. It won't learn where the kitchen is or leave and come back to its tank as it pleases. Well, it'll leave when you forget to close it up properly, but good luck getting it to come back!
We're sharing the house with a giant fucking lizard and that thing is so intelligent, it's scary. Still, I'm glad that all it takes for his personal happiness is some bacon, plenty of play time and the occasional bath. I can relate.

-Cat