/spit

The stone age. Happy days. I'm referring to the real deal here, not that fancy pants hippie stone age you know from the Flintstones, where cute little dinosaurs replace common household appliances. I'm talking about the man bringing home the bacon, then shagging the missus, her sister, her mother and her dog, then beating every possible competitor to death - with his penis. Only the strongest get to hump the tribe, you have to demonstrate supremacy at all times, because should anyone ever doubt your might and end up challenging you, you're probably gonna be toast faster than you can say " ". From day one, nature has designed us to be assholes.

Nowadays, the bacon is made of tofu, the man is shagging the missus' sister in secret, the dog films it for porntube and they all hope the mother won't find out. And we only beat the crap out of each other on the internet, though comparing dicks is still more or less the same thing, virtual or not. And I'm not talking about Chat-Roulette.

Pretty much everyone is an asshole, myself included. And for the most part, that's quite alright, even on World of Warcraft. I'm on a pvp realm. I like to hang around in Tol Barad and kill random Horde players. Especially Death Knights. When you see a DK, you have to kill them. It's the law. They deserve it in so many ways, I could fill another ten blogs writing just about how much DKs need to die. So I made him die. A dozen times. Then he rolled a level 1 Alliance toon, just so he could send me an extensive list of things he wanted me to do to my own mother.

And since I'm on a pvp realm, enemy players will occasionally attack my faction's capital city. Like that level 85 rogue, who killed random lowbies in Stormwind the other day. Until I killed him. And got an angry whisper in return, about me being a fucking noob. Surprisingly enough, that whisper came from another Alliance player, who just watched the rogue killing random people, but couldn't be bothered to help. I'm not entirely sure what his problem was, but if you want to be an asshole, the one thing you don't need is a reason.

None of this is a big deal until you start handing assholes tools to become even bigger assholes. Take emotes like /rofl or /spit in a BG, for instance. Isn't it nice to have a dozen people wait for you to respawn right at the graveyard, just so they can mass-/spit on you as they hack you to bits over and over again? Insult and injury and all that.
Sure, all it does is create a rude message in your chat log, there's no animation to it or anything and it's a far cry from the /drunkpiss emote, which had been removed from Age of Conan for massive abuse.

But why the hell did they put that stuff in there in the first place? What's the big idea here? "Oooh I know! Let's allow people to spit on each other! For role-playing purposes and immersion! This is gonna be so cool!"
It's not just okay to be an asshole - they're enabling assholes. They give them the tools to become assholes. Of course, a harmless little emote isn't much of a tool. The one tool to rule them all is the dungeon finder.

Since I'm playing on a pvp realm, I'm clad in nice, powerful level 384 arena gear. Because all the shiny, fancy raid gear in the world won't save my ass from the Horde. But every once in a while, I like to join random dungeons for fun and gold. But I no longer can, because it has become a fun tradition for random groups to boot players, who are using pvp gear.

I'm not an idiot and I wouldn't try to get into a current tier raid in pvp gear. The remade troll dungeons, however, are an entirely different story. Let's have a look at the facts - people who go there to gear up, will be rolling for items level 351, so logic suggests, that their own item level will be below 351. So when I go there for shits and giggles wearing my level 384 arena stuff, then that gear is simply hell of a lot better than any pve gear 30+ levels below. Yes, even if you take into consideration that resilience does nothing in pve and I'll be missing out on a few points of hit, haste, expertise and mastery, all of which is grossly outweighed by the massive stat bonuses of the higher level gear and a little reforging.

I know that. And they know that, as well, when they call me a "pvp noob" or talk about how pvp gear is useless in some random 5man dungeon. But this isn't really about gear. It's about making a point. About jealousy. About kicking the bastard with all the shiny epics they're never gonna have, because they don't want to raid or fight in the arena. It's about being an asshole. And this is what happens, when you hand assholes tools that empower them.

People will always be assholes - you, me, everybody. Yes, you! You know exactly what I'm talking about, so don't gimme that innocent look! I'm not buying it! And for the most part, being an asshole is okay, socially acceptable and we're used to being surrounded by other assholes. But maybe, just maybe, adding emotes, which serve absolutely no purpose other than giving people the possibility to openly insult one another, is not the best way to work with assholes. And maybe splitting people into two factions - pve and pvp, that is, not Alliance and Horde - and having two entirely different sets of gear, is not really all that helpful. People are pissed off when they see folks with high resilience in pve, people are equally pissed off when they see people with no resilience in pvp. There's an easy fix - FUCK resilience! Just remove it already! Instead, just go with the different set bonuses which are slightly more relevant for either pve or pvp, depending on whether you got that stuff in the arena or on a raid, but don't give people a reason to be assholes about it.

Games are getting simplified more and more, because the developers rightfully assume that the majority of people are drooling, illiterate morons. Now take the next logical step - assume that everybody is an asshole and design your games accordingly.

-Cat

Darkspore - when Diablo shagged Pikachu

And with the headline's disturbing image in your heads, let me introduce you to this fast-paced hack'n'slay RPG. If you're unfamiliar with the Spore universe, it's basically the kind of game where people create monsters, which resemble genitalia. Darkspore removes said creation process and hands you 100 pre-made monsters, instead. However, many of the upgrade parts you get to put on these monsters as you level them up resemble penises so much, you can almost literally hear the game designers giggling like little school girls.

The basic gameplay is the same thing you get in Diablo and all of its clones: You fight your way through countless isometric dungeon levels, hack hundreds of thousands of monsters to bits and collect obscene amounts of oddly colour-coded loot to make your toons more and more powerful with.
"But uncle Cat", you might say. "I already own Diablo and all of its clones! What's so special about this one?" Well, kids, if you want to know about Darkspore's unique twists on the old formula, sit down, stay a while and listen.

There are 25 unique playable characters, all of them coming in 4 different variations with unique looks and varying abilities, creating an impressive roster of 100 toons to play around with. And since it's fucking difficult to find that one favourite among all those guys, the clever makers of Darkspore have decided to let you play a squad of three heroes at a time, rather than just a single one. In a dungeon, you get to switch between your three characters of choice at any time (granted, there's a little cooldown after switching). And that's where things get interesting: You could put your favourite damage dealer on the squad, add a healer for support and grab a big, tanky fellow for those super tough boss baddies.

While you can only have one character active at a time rather than using all three of them simultaneously, the system allows you to switch toons depending on the situation. Instead of being stuck healing everyone all day, go play around with your heavy hitter and only whip out the medic when it's really necessary. And while playing a slow tank with relatively unimpressive attack skills might be boring when fighting the trash, you'll be that much more grateful to have him around when all your other characters get smashed to bits by enemies of the extra large variety. You get the idea.

Of course the whole thing is more complex than just that - there are melee and ranged damage dealers, some characters come equipped with helpful passive abilties that boost the entire party (you can team up with three more players), some guys have stealth modes and so forth. Each toon also comes with a unique squad-ability, which can be used by any member of your squad at any time. So if one of your heroes happens to have a healing skill as their squad ability, you'll get to use it with all three of your characters. Combining heroes and their abilities to create powerful and versatile squads is a lot of fun and can be incredibly rewarding, when everything works out according to plan.

There's also a lot of fiddling around with aforementioned truckloads of gear. You will find chest plates, shields, pauldrons, horns, feelers, even hands and feet and all kinds of other stuff, all of which you can put on your characters. You can shape and size those items, put them literally anywhere you want and give your heroes a unique appearance. Naturally, gear isn't just for looks - on top of raising basic attributes like strength or dexterity or boosting your health, some items might greatly boost your attack speed, others come with a life drain and so forth. None of those special bonuses are groundbreaking or do anything you haven't seen in similar games, but that's because this tried and tested feature simply works. It's a ton of fun to watch your character attack at insane speed and regenerate health and power with each swing.

All of these features make Darkspore a good game, but some gaping flaws ultimately stop it from being really great. The biggest problem lies in the shallow character progression. Sure, they all have their own abilities and skills and unlocking more toons as you progress through the game is entertaining.
But each character only comes with two special attacks, a squad ability and a passive ability - that's it. There are no skill trees, no talent points and the only way to make heroes more powerful is by putting better gear on them. So while you may have a greater selection of characters at the higher levels, the actual gameplay never really changes, as you'll always be using the exact same kind of abilities over and over again.

Most other games will allow your character to control larger amounts of minions, cast more and more powerful and spectacular spells or grant you various special attacks, which can be chained into combos. On Darkspore, a higher level character might look cooler with bigger and better weapons and armor, but ultimately, he'll be using the exact same skills he had from level one. The numbers just get bigger each time you level up.

And repetition doesn't stop there. Where Diablo uses randomized dungeons, Darkspore will toss you into a series of seemingly random levels with varying landscapes like jungles, deserts and snowy mountains, which all look incredibly good. But as you play, these levels will begin to repeat over and over again. Monsters, bosses and treasure chests (pardon, 'obelisks') are completely random each time, but the layout and design of the maps will always be the same and once you've discovered them all, the game will lose a large portion of its excitement.

Another big problem is the console-like matchmaking system. At the beginning of each session, Darkspore will toss you into any random lobby, which contains up to 100 players, who will use the chat room in whichever language they prefer. You'll see a lot of French, German, Portuguese and a whole lot of stuff, which only appears as strange little squares rather than actual letters, because the European client cannot display it properly. Now try and team up with those guys! And you'll want to team up with them, because doing so results in extra loot and experience points.

There is an actual matchmaking button in the lobby, which attempts to group you up with people of an equal level to do dungeons with, but it rarely ever finds anyone for you to play with and you'll never know what language they'll end up speaking. Of course, Darkspore isn't the kind of game that requires a lot of verbal communication, but you're definitely not gonna meet any new friends on there!
It's generally a good idea to bring your friends to a mission. Basically, if you find yourself having to use matchmaking, you're fucked. Of course you won't care about any of this if you're just looking to play this game all by yourself, which is entirely possible. Just bear in mind that you'll be progressing at a much more modest pace.

Another thing that could have been great is the pvp. Sure, you do get to fight other squads in small 1vs1 and 2vs2 sessions. But wouldn't it be awesome to see 40 people on each team in massive, large-scale battles? We'll never know.

Darkspore could have been a fantastic game. I would have loved to create my own characters from scratch instead of getting pre-made guys. And giving those heroes a skill tree, however limited, would have added a lot to the longevity of the game, which instead has me using the same old skills from levels 1 to 200. The hand-crafted dungeons look incredible, but unlike random levels, they will get stale after a while. And the matchmaking and lobby system is just plain awful. Is it really asking too much to have players create their own sessions, which you may browse and join on the fly? After all, you're copying Diablo here, so you might as well take one of its most convenient features instead of replacing it with console-age crap.

But despite all those flaws, Darkspore is still highly entertaining. You'll want to keep going, unlock just one more hero, try out just one more squad combination, just try out that new laser cannon real quick and before you know it, the 20 minutes you've planned on putting into the game will have turned into several hours. Not getting any talent points or more powerful abilities to look forward to might put a dent in your motivation, but the insane amount of highly customizable items, the large roster of heroes and the brain-melting number of possibilities to set up your squads mostly makes up for the shallow, near non-existing character progression. And if you have friends to play Darkspore with, the game just gets that much better, as many heroes and their abilities only reach their full potential in multiplayer. And it's just fun to have a buddy hold a dozen monsters in place with mass levitation, so you can eradicate them all with a meteor strike. Good times!

And since they're selling the game on Origin for around 15 Euros, there's really nothing wrong with giving this one a try. Just don't get ripped off on Steam, as they currently charge you twice as much. Bastards.

-Cat

Life: 50% done, now what?

There's a naked blonde on my couch, playing stuff like World of Warcraft and Call of Duty on her laptop. She has to show her ID whenever she buys liquor for us. Figures - she's six years younger than I am. Mind you, the fact she's naked has nothing to do with us being sex-crazed pervs in any way. It just turns out that not wearing any clothes means you don't have to wash them, either, saving lots of time and money. Even if that means having to endure the occasional cheering crowd of school boys in front of the living room window.

Did I ever mention I'm getting paid to play video games? And at this moment, I'm growing manly, Aragorn-esque stubbles on my face. And I'm about to eat a monstrosity composed of roast chicken, peppers, bacon and a metric shitload of hot, melting, golden cheese. Also, I'm a phantom. See, right now my blog is tricking your subconscious into believing I'm a cartoon cat. There used to be a time where people on the 'net thought I was female. Funny thing is, some random, blurry Facebook images aside, nobody has ever seen me or met me in person - not even the people I work for.

So yeah... Life is pretty sweet.

But as my 30th birthday draws near, I have to face the facts: This is probably as good as it's ever gonna get.
Let's remain realistic here: Given my love for bacon, gratinating edible things, avoiding all forms of physical exercise and getting incredibly pissed off at pretty much everything for no good reason, I'll be insanely lucky to make it past 50. Life is halfway over and while it isn't crappy enough to develop a major midlife crisis, there are a few things I'm gonna have to accept will never happen.

If Secret of Mana, Karate Kid or Harry Potter (bleh!) teach us one thing, it's that you'll start doing life-changing, heroic stuff that makes you famous long before there's any grass on the field of play. At age 30, it's not very likely I'll be pulling an awful lot of enchanted swords from hidden rocks, get the hang of competitive martial arts or start waving a magic stick at stuff or whatever it is Harry Potter does. And while I'm still wiping the floor with most annoying 12 year olds in fast-paced action games on the internet, I'm starting to lose hope that some intelligent alien life form is watching my efforts on Wing Commander, planning to abduct me to make me the leader of their elite space fleet in order to save the galaxy from some unknown evil threat or another.

I have a pleasant, sometimes funny voice with a sexy accent, so there's still a chance that one day I'll get to voice a videogame or cartoon character. I'd like that. Though I'll probably never be popular enough to get a video game featuring me as the main character. Screw you, Jackie Chan, and your stupid Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu!

Also, I'll probably never become a famous Ghost Buster, thanks to those assholes. And thanks to Youtube, I won't live to impress anybody by being an okay singer, a passable drummer or a guy, who bites the caps off of beer bottles with his bare teeth. The internet is full of that crap and they're all better at it than I will ever be. I am, however, the guy who hangs out with the chick, who pees like a dude. If we're ever gonna have a daughter together, she might even pass on her little party trick. I can totally see myself coming home on a lovely summer day with a ton of meat for the already fired up barbecue grill, walking in on Claire Jr. and her mommy standing in the backyard, peeing all over the wooden fencing. Happy days.

So... what is next, I wonder? What's the next step after your life has turned into an R-rated sitcom and you're coming to terms with the fact you're starting to get a little old and therefore less and less likely to blow up the Death Star? I have no fucking clue. Maybe standup comedy. "Whenever I tell people I'm from Germany, they say it's cool and they forgive me." Hoo boy.

Maybe I'll give it another ten years, wait for nature to make me share hairstyles with Patrick Stewart, lose a couple teeth and gain a few more pounds and then I'll just go through a proper midlife-crisis like everybody else. And then I'll go right back to paying my bills, worrying about insurance, tax forms and living like a naturist to save money on washing powder. Yeah, right!

-Cat

WoW: What's your character to you?

I'll let you in on a little secret: I RP. Not excessively, not every single day, but given the opportunity, I do take part in the occasional 'in character' experience. The other day, I bumped into a human paladin, who tried to recruit random passersby for his cause to retake Lordaeron - before the undead hordes gain in strength and numbers and all our loved ones get torn apart limb from limb or turned into horrible, horrible monsters. And since my character happens to be a Worgen, I had my part to say about this whole crazy nonsense. Proper RP isn't about being perfectly nice all the time and talking like you have a stick up your ass. It's about bringing your character to life. Within reason, sure, but if you imagine a bunch of thee-ing and thou-ing orcs having a tea party, you're doing it wrong.

I'm not one of those people, who use 'role-playing' as an excuse to stay at level 70 for all eternity, spend all my time doing BC raids and talk about how everything that came after the first expansion was crap. Yes, we do have whole guilds of them. I don't use RP as some kind of alternative to gearing up and progressing through the content. I love my endgame epix and kicking ass in the arena. I simply take part in RP activities for the sake of immersion.

Ever since the release day of WoW, I've been playing one main character. There were other characters and a few breaks, of course - we've all stopped hanging out in Azeroth at some point or another. But whenever I go there, it's usually as my good old warrior, who has been around for nearly seven years now. Alright, obviously I have not started out being a Worgen, but other than that, my main has always been the same. This character has never just been some guy I'm leveling up, but a virtual extension of myself.

Now, before I'll be laughed at for geeking out or end up provoking some scary news report on how computer games make people lose all sense of reality, let me explain what I mean: When I get into a role playing game, I want to be fully immersed. It's not like a sports game or a racing game, where I just want to kill some time, sit back for some quick, mindless fun before I go back to more serious business. RPGs are bigger, more time-consuming, something I want to get fully absorbed in. So when I create a character, I don't go to the official forums starting one of those insanely stupid 'What is the best class?' threads. Anyone else hate those? People no longer choose their characters by personal taste or what suits their personality - they go with what average Joe thinks is most overpowered.

I hate that kinda crap! See, when I want to create a fun, believable character, then I'll obviously go with something that feels like, well, me! I tend to act and talk before I think, I'm quick to anger and I think people wearing robes and dresses are pansies. So I went with the obvious choice and rolled a priest.
Just fucking with you. I'm a warrior.

Remember those days where everyone was playing a retribution paladin all of a sudden? Then everyone had a frost mage followed by a feral druid and then came the blood DKs. 'Flavor of the month' they call it. Whenever the general public decides that one particular class is overpowered using one particular skill tree, you will see a whole lot of mediocre players going for exactly that. And you can be sure as hell that the moment the community starts raging about yet another way too powerful class it's those same players, who will switch characters again. People don't play what they think suits them. They don't play their roles. They play what they think will let them 'pwnerize' those poor suckers, who are even bigger 'n00bs' than they are. And if all else fails, there's always ganking the level 20s in the lowbie areas and logging off when some guy at their own level shows up.

Well, everyone should play the way they want. But I do wonder. What's the point in playing an RPG, when you let the forums, guides, community websites and chatrooms dictate what you play all the time? If I just want to be a slave to public opinion, just want to feel that I'm in some way better than everybody else and kill some random people after doing a Google search on which class is 'best', I might as well go for a quick session on Call of Duty. But then again, we've reached a point where I have to level up characters in those kinda games, as well. Gain levels, unlock new weapons, ask about the most overpowered weapons, abilities and perks. Same thing.

But is it really? Azeroth is a huge living, breathing, ever-changing world. Alright, maybe they're a bit slow on the ever-changing, but that's a different story. My point is, that it should be about more than just kitting out any random character, doing whatever 'dailies' you've got to do on there and not give a crap about the actual game world.
I have lost count of all the idiots, whose names contain 'lol', even on the RP realms. And when I see some priest named Norezforulol telling me to ogog!1 in a random dungeon, then I'm starting to wonder if RPGs aren't just dying, but if they have died years ago and I've just been in denial for all this time.

I don't want to play my game like that. I don't wanna be some idiot named Loltankbob, already planning on rolling a blood DK for when the next patch goes live. I care about my character. And when I team up with people, I want them to think, 'Man, this guy really loves being a warrior!' Heck, let them think I'm a raving lunatic! But I sure as fuck don't want anyone to say that I'm one of those idiots, who get a kick out of being a complete asshole and ruin what little there is left of the atmosphere for everyone around me.

If you care so little about your alter ego that you deliberately give them a stupid name, if you cannot even be bothered to put five minutes of thought into who or what you want to be, stay the fuck away. I hate you. I hate you for completely fucking up the immersion in all my games. I hate you for not giving a fuck about how you ruin it for everyone, who actually care about the game and their characters. And I hate you for completely shitting all over what used to be my favourite genre. It's drooling, stupid, moronical, keyboard-turning, whining, spamming morons like you, who make this and most other games dumber, simpler and more primitive one update at a time. Remember when we just played our fucking games and didn't cry for nerfs, fixes, changes and simplifications all the fucking time? Of course you don't - because you haven't been a 'gamer' before it was cool.

Use your brains, people. Next time you're tempted to use global chat to ask which monster drops wolf meat, next time you start a forum thread to ask which character you're supposed to play... think! When I grew up, there was no google, no wikipedia and no guide or walkthrough for every god damn thing. We worked things out on our own. And believe it or not, it was actually quite rewarding. And choosing, finding, fleshing out and actually playing your very own character can be a great first step. Don't be idiots. There are plenty of other games if you enjoy being dumb. But in that case, do me a favour and stay the fuck out of my RPGs.

-Cat

You're ugly, but I love you - Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine

I'll be honest with you: I never had the money, the patience or the talent to collect and hand-paint a large army of plastic soldiers. The fact that I'm still spending every minute of my spare time playing Space Marine should speak for itself. And while the game has some incredibly stupid flaws and shortcomings, I'm having the most fun with the multiplayer mode I ever had since the good old days of Rune and Unreal Tournament.

The singleplayer campaign is a matter of 6-8 mostly brainless hours with zero replay value. You hack, slash and shoot your way through the story as Ultramarines Captain Titus, who couldn't be any less likeable or interesting. The Ultramarines aren't the most interesting chapter to begin with and your little squad is composed of characters so dull and one-dimensional, you couldn't possibly care less when the story pulls off the overused and predictable fallen comrade scenario.

You will kill literally thousands of Orks in campaign mode.

Space Marine isn't about epic storytelling, though, and it's great at throwing entire legions of baddies your way. Sawing orks in half, making their heads explode with a shot of your bolter and breaking a demon's spine with your power hammer never gets old and feels incredibly satisfying. And that's good, because ultimately, this is everything this game has to offer.
You fight your way from one wave of enemies to the next, massacre melee units with your chainsword, shoot their gunners from a safe distance and hide behind crates, fences and whatever kind of cover you can find. "If I retreat, kill me!" - Remember that one? Well, better forget about it real quick, because large portions of this game feel like a cover shooter, without using any actual cover mechanism you might know from games like Mass Effect.

On top of the massive repetition (you fight the same orks and chaos marines over and over again), the inconsistent AI can cause some frustration. At their brightest moments, enemies will seek cover, fire a quick shot at you and go right back into hiding. But there are moments, where baddies just stand around like idiots, waiting for you to shoot them one after another. Some of them take an eternity to react and return fire and seeking cover is of no priority to them, either.

Goin' Peter, Paul and Mary on some chaos demons.

But all of this artifical stupidity is nothing compared to your dumber than shit squad mates. Not only are they completely incompetent at killing even the weakest, most harmless goblins, but they will constantly get in your way. I have lost count of the many times where I tried to roll to the side to get away from an enemy grenade, only to be blocked by one of those cunts, which usually ended with me getting blown to bits. Your team mates cannot die (except of course for that one scripted event where one of them MUST die for the storyline), so they don't care about evading grenades, either.

Still - firing and swinging the game's 15 different weapons is fun and the many gruesome ways you can gut and decapitate enemies make the campaign a blast, despite its obvious problems. Turning the final boss battle into a stupid and piss-easy quicktime event, however, is utterly unforgivable. Same goes for the ending - sure, the 40k universe is not a happy place and it's okay to emphasize that, but there is no sense of reward or achievement for beating the storyline. Just punishment.

Here's a fun little game for you: Can you guess who the host is?

The multiplayer mode is an equally mixed bag of awesome and utter shit. The most gaping flaws here are so unbelievably stupid, you'd think I'm making this up: There are no dedicated servers or server browsers, meaning the game creates all sessions via p2p matchmaking. So you don't get to choose what map you want to play on, you don't get to tweak any rules or settings and without dedicated servers there is no kicking, no banning and no proper cheat protection. And the host for each session is picked at random: If the game decides that some guy in Spain with a crappy dialup connection should be hosting the match for everyone else, then you get one lucky Spanish dude with no lag whatsoever and 15 people with pings of 8-10 seconds. Feels a bit like the original Half-Life back when I had my 28.8k modem.

Chainsword battle - who can click the other guy to death faster?

But it gets better: Every player has their microphone turned on by default! There is no option to disable your own microphone, no push to talk setting, no nothing. The moment you join a game you will be greeted by random chatter in Spanish, Russian, German, English and god knows what else. Some guy is watching tv, some other guy is breathing like Darth Vader, the next dude is enjoying a burping contest with his friends. The only way to stop that crap is to click the mute button next to the names of EVERY SINGLE PLAYER! And whenever somebody new joins the session, you get to mute them all over again. What the FUCK were they thinking? If Relic Entertainment had never created a videogame before, then I just *might* understand what the hell is going on here, but this isn't just annoying or a tiny flaw - it's incredibly stupid, unnerving and one of the dumbest things I ever had the pleasure to put up with in any game.

And all that should be reason enough to just not bother with this game at all, if only it wasn't so damn FUN! Space Marine only offers a team deathmatch mode and a domination mode (aka Annihilation and Seize Ground) and an unimpressive five maps, but that's all it takes. You will be randomly placed on the Space Marines or Chaos Marines team, people fight 8 vs. 8 and with various classes and loadouts. You'll start out as a lowly level 1 tactical marine with only a bolter and a combat knife, but you gain new classes, perks and gear as you level up, just like on Modern Warfare or every other god damn shooter out there nowadays.

Tactical marines are your typical run & gun guys. They're jacks of all trades, who can be effective at close to medium range with bolter and melee upgrades. They also make talented snipers, given the right guns and perks.
Then there's the assault marine, who gets to use a jump pack and whacks away at enemy players using melee weapons such as the chain sword, power axe or power hammer.
Devastators, on the other hand, get the heaviest armor upgrades and use the really big weapons. Watch that plasma cannon!

All three classes have their own distinct style and you can customize and upgrade them as you progress through the levels and unlock more and more stuff. But customization doesn't end there - you'll unlock tons of helmets, chest plates, pauldrons and other armor pieces, which you get to decorate with your favourite paint job and emblems. Alternatively, you can pick pre-made colour patterns, which resemble the chapters and warbands from the 40k universe, such as the Space Wolves, Blood Ravens and so on.

Honouring my German heritage with this paintjob. Nah, I just think it looks cool that way.

Despite the huge amounts of whining on the official forums, the weapon balance in multiplayer is actually pretty decent. A point blank hit with the melta gun will instantly toast an opponent, but first of all, you actually gotta get close enough to the other guy without getting shot first. Sniper rifles like the stalker bolter might seem overpowered when a single headshot can kill you on the spot, but these guns suffer a massive drop in accuracy when fired from the hip and at close range. Besides, each shot leaves a clearly visible trail, so if you miss the other guy, he will instantly know where you are and seek cover or come right after you. A power hammer with the killing blow perk might insta-kill you, but it takes forever to actually swing the damn thing, leaving you lots of time to evade. Each weapon and each class comes with their own strengths and weaknesses and figuring out the right strategy against all of them is equally fun and rewarding.

Sure, the melee combat could use more combos, special attacks, maybe some more active dodging and blocking, but it's not as simplistic as some make it out to be. Tenderizing an opponent with your plasma gun or a hand grenade before rushing in for the kill or using your jump pack to confuse the crap out of them is that much more effective than simple button mashing.

The one thing the multiplayer mode lacks is the actual squad feeling. You never feel like you're part of a team, because everybody just fights for their own score, their own experience points and their own K/D ratio. In fact, you will sometimes get messages such as, "You have been moved to the opposing team for balancing purposes." I don't know whether the game does so to even out player counts or because one team is scoring much higher than the other, but it hurts the atmosphere. There is no loyalty here, just "balance".

Killing Spree! Bashing six guys in a row means massive bonus experience. It also turns all your squad mates into selfish assholes.

The co-op multiplayer patch, which is supposed to bring two massive 4 player missions in early October will probably help fix that problem a bit, but right now, winning or losing doesn't really matter online, for as long as you rack up the most kills and gather tons of experience points for bragging rights.

Orks vs humans: 4 players will fight their way through 2 massive co-op scenarios in the free October update.

The solo campaign of Space Marine is something you will most likely beat in a day or two and while it leaves a lot to be desired, it's a great ride. The multiplayer mode is flawed by a horrible p2p matchmaking system and open mic night with Darth Vader, but creating and customizing your own suit of armor and finding those perfect weapons and perks to match your play style is incredibly fun and addictive. Of course the game gets that much more entertaining when you're familiar with the setting, but it's by no means a requirement.

-Cat

Crap Shack Prophecies

Our bathroom has a secluded corner with an extra door in front of it. And behind that door there's only the toilet. I lovingly refer to that space as the crap shack and it's a place of strange, random thoughts.

Actually, there's also a mixed assortment of spiders back there. Creepy little fuckers. During one of my recent thinking sessions in the crap shack, I might have flicked a booger. Yes, I do that sometimes when nobody is watching me. And the green, snotty projectile made its way into one of the many spider webs. And the very same second, one of those hairy, eight-legged freaks came running towards it and started wrapping it up in a nice little cocoon. Makes you wonder. Was it gonna eat the booger at some point? Was it gonna lay eggs in it? Do boogers stay nice and fresh in there?

As I was watching the miracles of nature unfold before my very eyes, I drifted off into one of my many random day-dreaming sessions. And I have come to the conclusion that I'd love to break into a random house one day. You know, make sure nobody is there, force the door open or break in through a window and just... redecorate.
That's right. I wouldn't steal anything. I'd simply rearrange the furniture, maybe add a new picture or two on their walls, make the whole place look different.

Think about it. How fucking surreal would it be if you came home and the whole place looked different? When you come to realize that someone had broken into your place and just completely rearranged all your stuff? It would totally make my day.

Also, I hate James Franklin Hyneman. Now that's an awesome transition right there, huh? In fact, I hate all of the Mythbusters. Because they're the only people with a job, which is clearly more awesome than mine. You see, I get paid to play video games. Then I get to make fun of how much they suck and people pay me again. Being the nameless, semi-talented newbie to the industry that I am, I don't usually get to write about the games I really want to write about, but come on - it is my job to play, have fun and criticise! I was born to do that!

But it's hard to appreciate that sort of thing when there's a bunch of people out there, who get to dress up pigs like pirates and then shoot cannonballs at them. I wanna do that! But do you have any fucking idea how hard it is to get your hands on a pig around here? Or a cannon? Besides, I'm relatively sure I'm not qualified to get chucked out of a flying airplane. I wouldn't know how to build awesome robots, either. Sure, I get to heave my lazy ass out of bed when I want, work when I want and as much or as little as I want, sit around in my underwear all day, eat pizza, listen to my favourite music and watch tv while I'm in my "office", but what's the point if I don't get to shoot at pigs?

To be fair, though, when I'm talking about hate here, it's not sincere, genuine hatred as much as just plain old jealousy. There are things out there, which are much more fun to hate than the Mythbusters. Furries, for instance. You know, those weirdos who use stupid expressions like yiff, glomp and pawing off, dress up like sports mascots and hump the crap out of one another or just cuddle random strangers at conventions.

The whole thing isn't just some strange fetish. Heck, I don't mind people, who are sexually attracted to feet or armpits. Though I do wonder what the magazines in their bathrooms look like. But when somebody wants to fuck Baloo or Winnie the Pooh, my tolerance comes to an end. And I'm talking about literally fucking them. You see, I was stupid enough to google for some Worgen desktop images. Nothing filthy, just something related to the new playable toons on World of Warcraft to decorate my computer with. And one of the questionable art galleries, that Google had recommended to me, was advertising "strategically placed holes". Apparently, people send  their favourite plushies there, to have them upgraded with realistic... holes.

Well. If you happen to have sex with teddy bears or dress up like a giant stuffed toy and cuddle random people at conventions - I hate you. You may rightfully call me an intolerant dick for that, but I fucking hate you. You see, I refer to night elves, dwarves and gnomes as "peoples" in my reviews, because it is no longer politically correct to call them "races". I try to avoid talking about black people altogether, because for some fucked up reason, someone will most certainly get upset about the term "black". I don't even know what the fuck I'm allowed to call them anymore, without insulting someone or breaking the rules of political correctness. I was born in a country where the government, in all seriousness, discussed a ban on blonde jokes - I shit you not. We live in the day and age of tolerance and acceptance. Which is a good thing for the most part, mind, but I refuse to tolerate furries.

Heck, 50 years from now, I'll be an angry old fart, who will sit outside all day to yell at random people and I'm gonna love it. And we're gonna have furry pride parades, a furry US-president and furry tv shows. But in the meanwhile, I'm gonna hate them. I'm gonna hate them for dressing like stupid-looking animals, I'm gonna hate them for putting vaginas on dog plushies and I'm gonna hate them for drawing crude, messed up werewolf porn. It's fun to hate. And you don't have to tolerate everything.


And with that, I'm gonna flush and end today's blog post.

-Cat

Coronation Street - Because Brits are evil and want to see people suffer

The odd sitcom and the occasional old movie on TCM aside, I don't really watch TV. If there's one thing I avoid in particular, it's soap operas. I can take a fair amount of horrible acting and absurd plot, but I know my limits.

If you live on the island, however, then there's one soap opera, which seems absolutely impossible to avoid. Coronation Street is a bit of a phenomenon around here. Everybody knows it, everybody watches it and everybody talks about it. In fact, the show had its 50 year anniversary not too long ago. Can you believe it? Fifty years of pain, sadness and suffering - because that's what this show is all about!

The basic idea behind this kind of show is fairly simple: Give people some fictional characters, whose lives suck so unbelievably hard, it will definitely make the audience feel better about their own problems. And the Brits have turned this format into a work of art. It's sadism in it's darkest, purest form.

The first time my significant other made me watch a full episode, they went all out: A derailed tram fell out of the sky and crashed right into a building, setting it ablaze and killing several characters. Quite possibly the most expensive and spectacular thing one has ever pulled off in that kind of show. Oh, there was also crazy-psycho-guy, who clubbed an old lady over the head and dragged her to the crash site to make it look like she died during the accident. She was actually just comatose, but he came to visit her in hospital later and pulled the plug.

There is absolutely no happiness on Coronation Street. Whenever something good seems to happen to one of the characters, it will inevitably turn into shit and get them miserable, heartbroken and/or killed. I'm not even talking about how everybody cheats on everyone, everyone has affairs, sleeps around with god knows how many people and lies about it all the time. That's soap opera for you.

But take garage-guy, who won 20,000 Pounds on a scratch card. Sounds pretty awesome until his naive daughter secretly borrows the money for a noble cause. Or so she thinks, until the whole thing turns out to be a scam, the money is gone for good and garage-guy is eternally pissed off at his own daughter. And of course his wife is eternally pissed off at him for being so hard on their kid. What a shame - they just made up after nearly getting divorced and now the whole family is breaking apart again.

Or take recovering-alcoholic-lady. She agrees to marry former-cop-from-cancelled-police-drama-guy until she realizes she's actually still in love with recovering-alcoholic-guy. She gets really upset about the whole thing, starts drinking again, then jumps into former-cop-from-cancelled-police-drama-guy's car, drives off with him in the car trying to stop her, runs right over one of the show's other depressing characters and finally crashes right into a store.

Oh yeah, the lady she hit with the car happened to be standing underneath her daughter's window, trying to make peace with her when they finally got in touch with each other after decades. Too bad - they finally started to get along, then they started fighting again and now she got overrun by recovering-alcoholic-lady.

Of course none of them can compete with ginger-chick-with-newborn-baby. She had a nice life, a happy little family, she gave birth to a little girl and everything seemed perfect until she realized that her husband is a murdering psycho. In fact he's crazy-psycho-guy, who clubbed the old lady during the tram incident. When it all comes out, the police end up chasing after crazy-psycho-guy until he finds himself cornered and jumps off a tall building, seemingly falling to his death. And as soap operas go, the supposedly dead body disappears the second everybody stops looking and the guy is nowhere to be found.

Okay, let me remind you of something: This is the land of CCTV. You cannot take a piss in an alley at 2 in the morning without getting caught on camera and having 3 police cars chasing after you to fine you for a hundred Quid. Believe me, I tried. And this guy, a murdering psychopath, simply "disappears"? Oh the horrible, horrible luck.
But ginger-chick-with-newborn-baby doesn't just get to sit at home and live in fear, waiting for crazy-psycho-guy to show up again. In fact, she got arrested for three of crazy-psycho-guy's murders and is now sitting in jail, where she's being bullied, threatened and abused by the other inmates.

Even the kids are sad on Coronation Street. Annoying-blonde-kid has been sold (!) by his own mother, evil-bitch-from-hell. To her older sister, slightly-less-evil-bitch-from-hell. And everything seems nice and well until yet-another-bitch-from-hell, who is hell-bent on the little family's destruction, hears about that evil trade. Long story short, the whole family breaks apart and social services are taking annoying-blonde-kid away.
Now his real mother, evil-bitch-from-hell, finally came to her senses and decided she wants him back, but annoying-blonde-kid would much rather go back to slightly-less-evil-bitch-from-hell. Little does he know that she is getting a divorce from angry-pub-guy and his old family has long ceased to exist. You just can't be happy on Coronation Street.

Then there's curly-haired-kid, who ran off and disappeared after his father had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and got into a fight with curly-haired-kid's stepdad over who is being the bigger dick. And that one is really tough to decide, because tumor-guy is being a dick to his girlfriend, his former boss and all his friends and stepdad-guy is being a dick to his wife, who is being a dick to him by inviting tumor-guy to stay at their place.

The list goes on and on and on. There's the three morons, who fear the wrath of fridge-guy, who is probably going to kill them when he gets out of jail for being locked up in a fridge by them. There's 100-year-old-transvestite-guy, who likes to dress up like a lady and got his heart broken by old-hairdresser-lady, who was incredibly cool and tolerant about the whole thing, then changed her mind and decided she can't put up with him in the end. There's hysterical-gay-dude, who is fretting over his child being taken away from him. Every single character is suffering on that show! All of them!

I'm not proud of myself there. In fact, I'm ashamed I'm so familiar with the plot of a show so insane, unbelievable and far-fetched. I'm not even into that kind of thing and I only ended up getting an insight into those sad, sad fictional lives because the Clairebear is following them, religiously. Holy fuck, this show is so unbelievably evil, depressing and wrong!
Ever since I've come here, Brits seemed incredibly polite, friendly and laid-back. Little did I know they get such a kick out of watching people weep, suffer and die. And I might be turning into one of them. Creepy...

-Cat