Remember the good old days, where you could sit at the bus stop and masturbate in peace without a dozen people staring and/or filming you for youtube? When you could go to the movies and all the good seats weren't already taken by somebody else? Where ordering a quick 8 cheeseburgers for breakfast at McDonald's didn't mean spending the next half hour waiting for all the people in front of you to make up their minds on what they wanna eat? Earth is fucking crowded! And until they get WiFi on Mars, there's very little we can do about it. Perhaps it is time for measures a little more... you know, drastic.
But who would you send into orbit to free up some space down here? I could think of a few people and I'll skip the obvious ones like Simon Cowell, the Royal Family and everyone referring to themselves as a "bronie". My personal shit-list, in no particular order, contains the following:
- Native speakers (or writers) who use "should of" instead of "should have". And could of, would of and every other possible form of this nonsense. This isn't even just a typo. It's not some weird new kind of abreviation. So you're telling me you "should of" done something. And you fail to realize how this makes absolutely no fucking sense at all. You're an idiot, you're surrounded by other idiots, who are just as stupid as you, so there's a pretty high risk you're going to breed and overpopulate Earth even more. Off you go!
- People who type "ye" instead of "yes". For fuck's sake, "yes" is a fucking three letter word. You can't be bothered to type the s, which is hilariously close to the letter e on your keyboard, anyway? So either you're a lazy scumbag or you're too stupid to type out "yeah". And you're just as awful as folks, who pretend the letters r and u are words. The only people more annoying and stupid than you are morons using the letter q or just a question mark when they're too lazy to type out the word "question". Like this, "I've got a ?"
- Guild invitation spammers in every fucking MMORPG known to man. This is going to surprise some of you, but I'm not the social type. I don't usually join a guild when I play online. Yet every five minutes one of you fuckers will send me a goddamn guild invitation when I log on to just about any random MMO, unless I tick the option to auto-decline said invitations. Provided, the MMO in question sports said feature to begin with. You don't even talk to me first. You don't ask me if I actually want to join some shitty guild, which obviously consists of nothing but complete strangers, who got harassed into joining up. And you're only half as annoying as the assholes, who fucking ADVERTISE your stupid guild. Guess what? EVERYONE is looking for friendly, active players, you don't have to fucking stress that part when you spam your bullshit in every global chat channel available! How does that even help? It's not like some potential douchebag is gonna go like, "Aw, I really want to join these guys, but I'm not friendly." And what the fuck is "active"? If they weren't fucking active, they wouldn't be online to see your stupid recruitment spam in the first place!
- People who bitch about month-old "spoilers" in my blog, youtube channel and Facebook. Look, when I'm about to watch a brand new movie or some tv show or I'm gonna play a fun new game, I don't want anyone telling me about that amazing plot twist at the end, which nobody saw coming. But if you're one of those slowpokes, who complain about "spoilers" when I talk about the ending of Mass Effect 3 a whole month after release, then maybe, just maybe, my internet presence isn't exactly something you should follow. Perhaps instead you should look someplace, you know, sunny?
- Morons who end and begin absolutely every fucking sentence in "lol", even when they're saying absolutely nothing funny. You're almost as awful as dipshits, who actually, seriously type out "ahahahaha", preferrably somewhere on the CoD forums as part of some pointless internet argument. Honestly now, just between us - don't you feel weird at all? Don't you feel even a little stupid when you go "hahahahaha"(etc.) on the internet?
- People, whose comments begin with "you should". Doesn't matter if it's a blog, a gaming video or amateur porn, there's always a legion of dicks waiting to post, "You should stop blogging and kill yourself", "you should use the shotgun in your next gameplay video", "you should drink more, your urine looks way too dark". Who are you people, my mother? Stop fucking telling me what I should and should not do! Whatever happend to "could you"? "Can you please...?" Or maybe, if you can't leave any fucking constructive criticism, don't post anything at all, because nobody gives a shit about what you think I should do.
- Idiots, who post their fucking DPS readouts every ten seconds. Yes, you're a fucking rogue or whatever the current flavour of the month is in your game of choice right now. And you're hitting harder than the tanks and healers, even though you're drooling on the keyboard the whole time. You're doing the easiest job in the game, your job, the only thing you dare do, because you can't handle difficult tasks and responsibility. Good boy. Have a cookie. Now fuck off!
- Brain donors, who fail to understand how an auction house works. You've had to deal with them them if you've ever found some rare, valuable item on an MMO, which you then decided to sell off to the community. So you check the going price of your hypothetical item and find out it sells for, say, 1000 gold. So you put it up for just that. Heck, let's say you want to sell your item before anybody else, by offering the cheapest one, so you put it up at 999 gold and 50 silvers. But the damn thing doesn't sell for a whole day and when you come check prices 24 hours later, there's some asshole undercutting you. Which is all nice and fair, but he's no offering his item for 998 gold, not for 995, but for reasons unbeknownst to anyone remotely intelligent, he only wants 900. But you're in kind of a hurry to sell your stuff, you really, really want the gold, so you accept the price drop and re-list your item at 899 gold. And before you know it, the other guy takes down his item and puts it back up for 850. And before you even have a chance to wonder wtf is going on, somebody else puts up yet another one of these items and goes down to 799 gold. By the time you finally get to sell your shit, you'll probably get around 500 gold. And if you think this rarely ever happens, have a look at the exchange on Star Trek Online - some idiots sell their loot for less than vendor price! That's right - just because any random NPC would offer Bob a whopping 50,000 energy credits for his shield array won't stop him from offering the damn thing for 20,000!
- People, who pick item colours over stats. Don't get me wrong. Style is important. A cool-looking item with shitty stats can be more fun than an item of the same type with better stats, but ugly visuals. I get that. That's why we get appearance slots and transmogrifying 'n' shit. The fun stops when I see some level 60 guy using a level 20 item, because its name is in purple. The stats are ridiculously lousy for his level, any white level 60 gear would be more powerful than his level 20 "epic", but numbers are bad. Numbers are confusing. Make head hurt. Purple good. Purple powerful. Let's stick with purple and ignore numbers. That shit right there is why we have heirloom items. This is why armor sets will automatically change their stats for you in Warlords of Draenor. Because you're an idiot, who cannot be trusted with stats.
- Self-centered dickheads, who respond to shit that was never addressed at them to begin with. Happens everywhere with a chat function.
- Cat (um...)
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen