She won't open her eyes. She can't eat. She can't swallow. That cruel piece of paper, which decides whether or not you want to be kept alive in a situation such as this clearly states no. So basically, she's still alive and none of us can tell just how much, exactly. And she's slowly going to starve. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. She doesn't want to be kept alive. I wonder if she had a situation like this in mind when she made that decision. I wonder how conscious, how aware she still is. Whether she feels anything. Whether she is too far gone or whether it's going to be a slow, painful death, which could be avoided and result in a recovery. I don't know anything about these things, but it's hard not to think about these things. There is no "dying with dignity". My grandfather died of what must have started off as a harmless infection he refused to get checked out, my grandmother is going to slowly fade away over the next hours, maybe days. I'd rather be hit by a truck and get splattered all over the place. Still messy and unpleasant, but at least it'd be over in a second and if there's such a thing as an afterlife, I'd have a cool story to share.
I'm joking around, but deep down I'm heartbroken. I was going to visit her as soon as I could afford it. I didn't know there would be no time. My brother says they'll be together again, soon. I don't believe in that sort of thing. You only believe when you don't know. And I know the concept of "heaven" was made up by people who couldn't cope. I'll admit it's a nice thought. My grandparents together again. I wonder how they met. I never asked.
A friend told me to "put that hamster back in its wheel" when my grandfather passed away. Keep on working. And that's what I'm doing. Finished another article today, like any other day, like nothing happened. It's all so unreal. There's nothing I can do. At least they lived long, happy lives, I suppose. Not everyone is so lucky.
I have noticed something when I looked at the profile shots of my friends, as well as myself, over the last few years. Many of us are gamers, journalists, writers, movie lovers, nerds, couch potatoes... and we're all getting incredibly fat. If you happen to be one of my friends, don't take this the wrong way - I'm not excluding myself here and I'm saying this with all the love in the world. But, holy fuck, what's happening to us? Working 8-12 hours a day parked in front of a computer, then spending 90% of one's spare time doing the exact same thing takes its toll on people. We've all obtained what us of the trade refer to as "editor's size". And while being lazy fucks is a huge part of the problem, I had to learn it's getting ever more difficult to avoid turning into a fatty. Everything, particularly "diet" products are so unhealthy and full of garbage and the nutritional values are bullshit! A tiny box of pasta salad, maybe 250g - "48 calories, serves four". Upon closer inspection, said 48 calories turned out to be the value for "one heaped teaspoon".
I won't lie to you: The Bear and I are comfort-eaters. We love to over-indulge. We could rarely ever afford to go out or do anything fun, but the one thing we used to do a lot is cuddle up on the sofa, watch a movie and eat a huge pizza with extra cheese and bacon. Most of the things I cook taste better with cream in it. And with cheese on top. And extra bacon. Pringles are on "buy 3, get 1 free"? Awesome, 4 cans for everyone! Let's eat some fucking Parma ham while we're at it. But wrap it around some Mozzarella and cover it in pesto. Hm, I'm starting to see why we never had any money to go out. :P
Don't get me wrong - we had entire weeks of canned and frozen insta-shit. All the time. Because we couldn't afford any real food. But whenever we got a little extra money, we'd put it into food to make up for all the garbage we had to eat in between paydays. And over time, my shirts would seem a bit shorter than usual, which is easy enough to blame on the washing machine, then the pants magically fit without a belt (washing machine!) until eventually I had difficulty putting my goddamn shoes on. My fucking feet were getting fat!
For a whole week now, I had nothing but skinless chicken breast, tomatoes, onions, peppers, fat- and sugar-free yoghurt and there's some weird shit in our kitchen, which people at the supermarket referred to as apples and nectarines - the latter of which I've only bought because they're shaped like little butts and vaginas. I'm drinking nothing but water. No milk, juice, coke - water. Originally, I just wanted to eat "healthy" and had rice with some of that stuff, until friends told me to look up the nutritional values. And they also had all the horror stories about carbs. Great! No more rice. Or pasta. Or potatoes. Or bread. Fuck me!
I'm at roughly 700 calories a day. I'm actually counting that shit. On a good day I'm closer to 500, on a bad day I approach 1000, but never any more than that. And physically, I feel so fucking fit and amazing, I'm just not used to it. I'm not sleepy all the time, no more headaches, I feel fit and energetic and a dozen other effects, most of which are more placebo than anything, but who gives a crap. I don't feel like I'm about to shit a dinosaur. Because yes, that's exactly how you feel when everything you eat is gratinated with tons of cheese.
Emotionally, it's an entirely different story. I came so incredibly close to ordering fried chicken last night and then I bit an apple and wanted to cry. Because apples aren't made of fried chicken. And because it turned out I'm allergic. Wanna know what I eat for a "snack" when I just can't take it anymore? Lettuce. A whole fucking round lettuce. Just a bit of vinegar on top, no oil, no fatty dressings, damn goddit!
What's worse, there's no instant gratification the way us lazy fucking gamers know it from World of Warcraft. I ate nothing but healthy food for an entire week, I'm gonna eat healthy this week and the week after that and so forth, but I can't see any fucking difference! I didn't gain reputation with the healthy food gods, I didn't earn a new title or at least some achievement points. I have made some tiny, invisible progress, which will become a little more noticeable if I keep this up another week and then some more the week after that, lest I undo it all with just one pizza. Argh!
No matter. I want this. I got the job of my dreams, I've made a name for myself at this job and I'm finally making enough money, I live with the girl of my dreams, now it's time to shrink down that ass a bit. You know. Better life and all that. I had to work my ass off for everything I have today, so why stop here? Let's work on that actual ass and all the blubber around it. :P
In other news, Star Trek Online. Dyson Sphere. Endless jokes about suction. 'Tis a fun new place to explore, though.
- Cat
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