Guild Wars 2: AAAAARGH! STOP BEING SO GOD DAMN AWESOME!

I'll let you in on a little secret: Part of my job as a games critic is hoping that nobody will ever figure out that I have no fucking clue what the hell I'm doing. I'm not kidding.

It's not like most regular jobs. Take a bus driver, for example. They have a route and a time table and that's how their job works. You drive here and there, at exactly this or that time, charge people exactly this amount of money for their tickets. Every step of the job is explained to you, you memorize that stuff, you do as they say, job done.

When you review games, you can be funny, serious, silly, you're supposed to find your own style, you're an entertainer of sorts. You don't want your readers to get bored. No two games are ever exactly the same and neither should your reviews.. You can't just pull off the same kinda stuff with every review, i.e. explain the story, character creation, combat, quests, describe and rate each individual component from A to Z every time. Boring. You gotta mix things up a little, communicate key-assets and deliver a meta-message. I have no fucking clue what any of that stuff means, but it's the way my RL quest NPCs talk to me. Basically, I just try to be fun and witty and add a little pun here and there that goes with the theme of the game I'm writing about and I try to answer as many questions about the game as I could possibly imagine. I'm pretty sure that's delivering a meta message and delivering key-assets, right? Right?

Another part of my job is ignoring and completely blocking out upcoming AAA-titles. Remember how long before the actual release of SWTOR there was all the hype, there were news articles, a huge fan movement and what not? I ignored it. I refused to watch any teasers and trailers and previews, read up on any detail about the game. I do that sort of thing with every major title, for two reasons.

First of all, I'm a freelancer. The FNG, the underdog, the guy who gets to review the F2P games. I'm saying this with all the love and respect in the world. F2P is great and all, I love my job, but if we're being perfectly realistic, this is how it works: The veterans, the cool and popular guys at the office, have first dibs on all the best stuff. Simple as that. If I get all hyper and crazy about some awesome new game, knowing full well that I have zero priority for a free press account or a free review copy, there'd be nothing but disappointment. Once again, I understand that this is the way it works, I'm not complaining, but I ignore the best stuff to save myself from jealousy and disappointment. Right now, I don't give a fuck about Diablo 3 and if all the guys I'm working with (and for) have been in the beta for ages and I get no access, well... meh. I don't care.

Secondly, I'M FUCKING IMPATIENT! When I like something, I don't wanna wait, I WANT IT RIGHT THERE AND NOW!!1 Ahem...
When Final Fantasy XIV was announced, I was pissing myself with excitement. Yeah, let's not get into how stupid I was for looking forward to that unfinished pile of horseshit that it turned out to be. I collected every single press release screenshot, watched the teasers and previews and wasted countless hours getting all the details straight off some Japanese fan sites. And the release was MONTHS away! The wait was killing me! What if I got hit by a truck before the game comes out? What if I accidentally amputate my gaming hand? What if something really terrible happens that will prevent me from playing when the damn thing finally comes out?

So... now that you know that about me, you'll understand why I've largely ignored everything about Guild Wars 2. In my universe, it simply didn't exist. And then one of my colleagues wrote a preview article about it, after he had been admitted to the Guild Wars 2 press weekend. CRAP!

You have to know, the guy I'm talking about isn't just any co-worker. We played the same class on SW:ToR and when we talked about the game, it turned out we criticised it for pretty much the exact same reasons. We both play warrior-types with a passion. Being the big and brawny guy, who kicks ass at the front line, that's the one and only way to go. So let's just say we have similar taste, we like and dislike the same stuff and I value his opinion.

I can also tell when he's writing positive reviews, because a game is good and when he's being genuinely enthusiastic, because a game is fucking awesome. You can say "Coop-multiplayer in game X is highly enjoyable." Period. It says you think it's good, you're not getting too detailed, you're probably not addicted to it and it's simply just that - good. But not "OMG I gotta tell you about every last detail" kind of good. Guild Wars 2 is every last detail kind of good. I don't care when Game Informer, IGN, Destructiod, Kotaku or god knows who say it's gonna be the best damn game of all times (though they all do), but when somebody I know and whose opinion I value ends up getting so crazy about a game, it's difficult to keep ignoring it.

Crap. Crap crapity crap! I've read up on all the inverviews now, watched all the videos, read all the articles. I've signed up for the beta. I already know which race and class I'm going to play, which name I'm going to pick, I'm all set and just waiting to be allowed in. There's not even a fucking release date, all I know is that it's probably going to be sometime around summer. SUMMER! ARGH! What if I die before summer? What if I get abducted by homosexual aliens, trampled by cows or ripped to shreds by the vengeful spirits of Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, David Carradine and Steve Jobs? I can still die after I've maxed out a toon on Guild Wars 2, because it can't possibly get any better than Guild Wars 2, but what if I don't make it? I'm biting my nails here. I want the beta to start. I wanna get in there. I wanna roll my character and kill stuff. IT LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD! GRRRRR!

I HATE anticipation. I HATE waiting. Every other game feels boring now. And there is way too much potential for disappointment. Grrrrr! Damn you, Guild Wars 2!

-Cat