God Damn It, Nintendo!

The biggest drawback to my job isn't the relatively crappy pay or the sometimes ridiculous and inhumane deadlines for articles. To me, it's non-disclosure agreements. I've been playing Fallout 4 for roughly two weeks before its official release, which was fucking awesome. Despite a bunch of people meta-bombing the shit out of it in the user ratings right now, it's one of the best games I've played all year. And I couldn't tell anyone about it. In fact, when my friends got hyped about it on Facebook and started posting trailers, teasers and other such things to show their anticipation, I decided to post a picture of my original box of Fallout Tactics, which resulted in instant complaints - dude, don't talk about anything even remotely related to Fallout! I didn't post anything directly related to Fallout 4, I sure as fuck didn't reveal any story, artwork, ingame-footage or breach my NDA in any other way. But posting stuff that could be remotely connected in some way to an unreleased AAA-title gets you in trouble.

The spiders in my toilet are a close second.

Meanwhile, certain outlets have posted tons of "leaked" footage and some stores started selling the PS4 version several days before the official release, so that whole thing didn't really work out as planned, anyway.
Being able to play stuff before anyone else is awesome, of course. But NDAs are pure torture. Imagine you had a chance to start playing a game you've been looking forward to all year long, before anybody else you knew, and you couldn't tell anybody. It also means that, while most people are only starting to get to the best parts of the game right now, I've already seen all the endings, dicked around with all the factions and I've seen and done most of the stuff there is to see and do. And fuck all the whiners, I think this game is incredible! I've sawed a man into tiny pieces and then put his remains on a shelf!

German neatness, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Of course they're not just letting me play games early simply because I'm so awesome and I'm better at this stuff than all you ignorant cunts. It's work. I get shit done on there and then write about it. And then I get paid. Because it turns out my parents lied to me and you don't actually need to finish school and yes, you can just sit on your ass and play games all day and go through life just fine. Give it a try!

Long story short, I've got a lot of paid work to do, most of it is already done and Christmas is actually happening this year. As in, we don't just write our names on a bunch of cards and pretend that we contributed to everyone's presents whilst stuffing our faces with free food - Claire and I are actually spending a little something on some fun new toys.

Close, but no.

Here's the thing - we both spend a significant amount of time playing video games together when we're at home. But sometimes we have to leave the house and that's where we depend on mobile gaming devices. And ours are old. We've got everything from a classic Gameboy to a Sony PSP, but time has moved on, we've got a bit of spare money, so why not upgrade to something a little less dated?

My first impulse was to jump at the 2DS + Mario Kart 7 package for 75 Quid. Holy fuck. That's a fantastic game with a decent enough handheld console right there. At an insanely cheap price. But then we had a look at the 3DS XL, which has an extra analog nub, more power, it's bigger, faster, better at all the things an suddenly we're looking at nearly 150 Quid per console. And at that price you may as well go for the much more powerful Playstation Vita.

Because who needs games when you have Skype?

Higher resolution, a slightly bigger screen, a freaking quadcore cpu and so much more power in that baby than in a 3DS XL. Heck, some PS Vita games look so amazing, this thing almost feels like a portable Playstation 3.
And while lots of people argue that "graphics aren't important", I fucking love quality visuals in a game and yes, to me, they are very important and can make a good game even better. Besides, half of those fucks, who are whining about Fallout 4 over at Metacritic complain about the game's dated visuals, so graphics can't be that irrelevant after all.

Here's the thing, though. I've looked at the features, capabilities and the best games currently available for 3DS and PS Vita. And I've come to the following conclusion: If you enjoy fun, colourful games with lots of customization and great multiplayer, get a 3DS. If you want to watch movies, play music, browse the internet or talk to your friends on the go, get a fucking smartphone.

There are some cool-looking first person shooters available for the Vita (like, two of them). I won't lie - being able to play an FPS title with stunning visuals on the go is super tempting. But it's not "spend 250 Quid on a techno-doorstopper" kind of tempting. I'd play those shooters, finish them a few hours later, maybe even get some fun out of local multiplayer with Claire and that about wraps it up. On the 3DS I'd get Fire Emblem (with another, even cooler new Fire Emblem on the horizon), Smash Bros, Mario Kart, Star Fox... heck, for as much as I hate how stupidly overrated Ocarina of Time is (Twilight Princess was superior in just about every way), the 3DS version looks so great, I'd probably give that a go. I can look at the best current and upcoming 3DS titles and spot a dozen or more titles I'd play right the fuck now. Then I look at the list for the PS Vita, spot 4 or 5 games with absolutely amazing visuals, two of which I'd probably play, and the rest is boring, pixellated indie crap you can also get on Steam for a few pennies.

I grew up in a Segan household. I think Zelda is stupid, I don't give a crap about Mario unless there's kart racing or smashing involved and if you're male, straight, older than 14 and into Pokémon, then all Eagles of Death Metal concerts in Paris should be mandatory for you. There's nothing more annyoing than a bunch of dickbags bitching about EA, Activision and Ubisoft, whilst buying the exact same Nintendo games every year since the early 1980s. It's absolutely pathetic how WiiU games look worse than early Xbox 360 and PS3 titles. And you know what? None of that fucking matters. They still got my money. Sure, I'll spend most of my time playing shitty Atlus RPGs on my 3DS XL when it gets here, but this year, ugly, outdated, stupid Nintendo games beat Sony's handheld console by miles in this house. So there's that.

-Cat