Kartoffel and "Brockwurst"

If you head to Nottingham market square right now, you'll be greeted by this:

It's a fun little thing inspired by German Christmas markets, except nobody speaks any fucking German and you get a selection of bog-standard English faire food like burgers and sausages or completely made-up "German specialties".

It was one of those rare and special nights where I was actually a bit sad how neither one of us owns a smartphone, for we have encountered many a weird and wondrous thing and now you'll simply have to take my word for it. Let me start with the happy, friendly faces of the many people who work at all the many food stands. Or complete lack thereof. I ordered a delicious ham sandwich from a lovely young lady, who looked at me as though I had just taken a massive shit on her counter. And before those among you, who know me a little better, are going to ask - no, I did not.

The potato lady wasn't much friendlier, though her menu was a lot more amusing. "Kartoffel is a classic German specialty served with ham, Brockwurst and curry or cheese sauce". Yeah, we sure love Kartoffel in Germany!

Pictured: Fine German delicacy.

What they served was really just baked potato. You know, sliced up and fried, like they do just about everywhere. There's nothing particularly German to that and adding what they referred to as "Brockwurst" didn't change that very much. And it's not just a silly little typo they put in there - by adding the extra R and putting a Brocken in your sausage, you're referring to chunks, as in the kind of stuff you'll be blowing after eating too much kartoffel.

The best thing I had today, aside from a delicious ham sandwich served with a death stare was some fantastic barbecue chicken with sour cream. I also would have tried some mulled wine, but all alcoholic beverages were served in a sealed-off part of the market, with big, scary signs saying NO ALCOHOL PAST THIS POINT and even bigger, scarier guards to make sure you don't ignore these signs. I shit you not.
So, remain stationary with your wine, eat your potatoes and enjoy a cacophony of Bing Crosby, Wham and Techno as every single stand blasts their very own choice of music across market square. It was fucking awful and I loved most of it. Thanks for actually paying me on time this month, work!

My favourite thing I've seen all night has to be Funtastic's Bob the Alien Warrior. You see, we have this super popular shop around here called Poundland, where everything costs a Pound or less. They're a huge chain opening one store after another, all over the place. And they sell hilarious, super shitty toys for a pound a pack. Sometimes you get a bunch of action figures pieced together from discontinued pirates, wrestlers and ninjas, they get some new names and stickers and random oversized plastic weapons stuffed in the pack and are sold for a pound.

Funtastic usually just rip off popular characters from Star Wars, GI Joe, Marvel and the like.

What they had on offer tonight was particularly exquisite. I'm sure you're aware of those stereotypical little grey aliens, which have become hugely popular thanks to the X-Files. You know, these guys:

Now imagine this guy's head put on top of your average He-Man action figure's body. Then they threw in a bunch of generic oversized plastic guns for the little guy and voila: Bob the Alien Warrior was born!
There's not even trying and then there's Bob. Look, I'd agree that maybe they were going for something funny here like Paul (Alien Seth Rogen with Pegg & Frost, anyone remember?), if it wasn't for the whole Rambo getup and all the guns and the fact he's called an alien warrior, for fuck's sake! So of all the names they could have come up with, they chose Bob. Fucking Bob. The Alien Warrior. Now that'll strike fear into the hearts of his enemies.

Of course it's not the first ever god-awful creation they've ever come up with out of a He-Man's body and some disenfranchised head. Look at this shit:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

-Cat