If my pets could talk

If you're a regular visitor of this blog, then you're aware that I live in some kind of zoo. There's our cowardly python Choky, our giant monitor lizard Hugo Bosc, as well as two insanely annoying cats. Our black cat Jiji would follow you everywhere around the house, demand attention at all times and if you dare feed, touch or look at any animal in the house that isn't her, she'll go berserk on your ass. Then there's our slightly retarded Birman cat, who also happens to be one of roughly 25 billion animals on this planet, who had been named Kira. She's a special kind of stupid. She's the kind of cat that goes to sleep on a top shelf, then rolls off and crashes down on her face five minutes later. We're assuming she didn't get enough oxygen when she was born. She doesn't respond to her name. Or much of anything, really. We used to think she might be deaf.

But if I had to pick a favourite pet, my vote would go to our bearded dragons. If they could talk, they probably wouldn't. They're very simple creatures. If they're cold, they move to the warm side of the tank. If they're hot, they move to the cold side of the tank. Put food in front of their noses and they'll eat. If you pick them up and carry them around the house or even around town, on the bus, to the house of a friend or family, they put up with it. That doesn't really make them the most exciting pets around, but certainly the easiest. If you're the kind of person who would eventually return their bearded dragon to the shop, saying you no longer have the time to care for it, you're a lying scumbag. They're the easiest pets I've ever known, provided you wouldn't count fleas, roaches and maggots as pets.

The rest of our animals more than make up for the quiet, peaceful time we're having with the beardies. Every one of them is the center of their own little universe and they don't always understand or appreciate when you try to take care of their basic needs. I'm going to describe a situation with them as it happens all the time, every week. The added dialogue is entirely fictional, but you've probably guessed that from the headline.

Me: *knocks on the monitor lizard's tank a few times, waiting for a reaction* "Hugo? You awake in there?"
Hugo: "..."
Me: "Your water bowl is empty. Can I open the tank and take it out?"
Hugo: "..."
Me: "Okay, I'm going to open the tank now. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not bringing any food. I just want to replace your water."
Hugo: "..."
Jiji: *jumps on top of the vivarium* "Whatcha doin'?"
Me: "Not now, Jiji."
Jiji: "Whatcha doooooing? Hey! I'm up here! Look at me! Hey!" *bats me on the head*
Me: "Fuck off, Jiji! I'm busy!" *opens vivarium by a crack*
Hugo: *rushes out of his cave, attempting to jump me* "Who are you? IMA FUCKING KILL YOU! Get away from my tank! Get away! Now! I'm dangerous! I will bite your fucking hand off! I'M GONNA EEEEEEEAT YOUR FAAAAAACE....!"
Me: *pulls hand out of the tank* "For fuck's sake, I just told you! It's me! I'm only here to replace your fucking water, you moron!"
Hugo: "Oh hey, it's you! Got any food?" *flicks tongue at the glass door of his tank*
Me: "It's not feeding time, yet. I'm just here to replace your water. Can I come in?" *puts hand back in the tank, reaching for the water bowl*
Hugo: "FOOD!" *bites hand, refuses to let go*
Jiji: "Ha! Should have paid attention to me instead! I would never bite you!" *bats me on the head*
Me: "OW! What the fuck Jiji, you bite me all the time! Let go, Hugo!"
Hugo: *has difficulty speaking, what with him eating my finger and all* "Fhoogh!"
Me: "What?"
Hugo: *lets go of my finger and clears his throat* "Ahem... FOOD!"
Me: "AHA!" *pulls away finger*
Kira: "HELP! OH MY GOD, HELP!" *screams her head off in the kitchen for no apparent reason*
Me: *runs to the kitchen and sees Kira as she steps our of the litterbox, dragging a huge turd after her*
Me: "AAARGH! Get back in the litterbox! Get back in the fucking litterbox! NOW!"
Kira: *panicks* "AAAAAAAAAH!" *runs off, leaving a trail of shit down the corridor all the way to the living room*
Me: "Stop! Get back here! Don't go into the living room! Get off my desk! Get off the fucking rug! NO!"
Kira: *cleans her ass by dragging it across the rug, leaving shit everywhere, calms down*
Me: *grabs paper towels and disinfectant, proceeds to clean up shit stains on hands and knees*
Jiji: "Whatcha doin'?"
Me: "Fuck off, Jiji."
Jiji: "Hey! Look at me! Whatcha doooooing?" *bats me on the head*
Me: *sprays Jiji with disinfectant* "GO! AWAY! NOW!"
Kira: *casually walks by as if nothing ever happened*
Me: "Go fuck yourself, Kira."
Kira: *ignores me, doesn't even seem to notice I'm talking to her, eats cat biscuits*
Me: *finishes cleaning up, notices python wrecking her tank*
Choky: "FOOD!"
Me: "You have refused all food in nearly a month, stop putting up such a show."
Choky: "Nooo! I'm really hungry! For real!" *flicks tongue at me*
Me: *defrosts a mouse, offers it to Choky with a pair of tweezers*
Choky: "AAAH! Don't hurt me!" *disappears into her cave*
Me: "It's a mouse. You said you were hungry."
Choky: "..."
Me: "Look, are you coming out now or what?"
Choky: "I don't trust you."
Me: "We've been through this! You just told me you wanted food. This is your damn food! Come and eat it already!"
Choky: *pokes head out of her cave* "Wiggle it."
Me: "What?"
Choky: "The mouse. Wiggle it."
Me: "But..."
Choky: "Just do it! I can't eat if it's not wiggling."
Me: *wiggles*
Choky: "I'm not hungry."
Me: "But you just..."
Choky: "You're not wiggling it right. That mouse is clearly dead! I cannot eat a dead mouse! I need to honour my ancestors, hunt and kill my prey! You wouldn't get it..." *disappears into her cave*
Me: *slides open Hugo's tank* "Hugo! Food!"
Hugo: "FOODFOODFOODFOODFOOD!" *gobbles down the mouse in about 0.38 seconds*
Me: *proceeds to walk off*
Hugo: *scratches at the glass* "Oh hey! My water bowl is empty! Could you give me a refill?"
Me: *pets Jiji, who is asleep on top of Hugo's tank*
Jiji: *claws and bites my hand, hisses* "Fuck off, I'm trying to sleep here!"

I should have bought a dog and left it at that.

-Cat