And since we already had a lizard, I could hardly say no when my significant other decided to bring home a snake. There. Bearded dragon. Garter snake. Tiny, noobish reptiles. Let's just stick with these for now.
As if! It didn't take long until one of the shop's customers had to get rid of another dragon. You see, with every sold reptile there's always a certain chance that the pet's proud new owner suddenly "doesn't have the time anymore" or [insert stupid ass excuse here]. You know, when the initial two weeks of excitement go by, when they wanna "upgrade" to something cooler, you get the idea. And to be fair, sometimes people are just fucking broke. I can relate. And it isn't always bad. It is kinda nice when you can sell the same animal twice, I guess. But you gotta feel sorry for these unwanted critters.
And that's what we did. Feel sorry. For an unwanted beardie. Fat, lazy, a bit ugly and incredibly stupid, even for a bearded dragon. They barely qualify to work at Wal-Mart and this particular one was just about good enough to greet people by the door. But even a dumb lizard deserves a nice, warm home and we went with the biggest beardie tank we could get, so fitting in a cagemate with our original beardie seemed reasonable.
Three reptiles now. Didn't last long, though, because our elderly garter snake had reached the end of her modest lifespan. Very sad. Even sadder when I decided to bury her under our living room window to keep her close to us and a few days later, the fat chick from upstairs decided to plant flowers in the exact same spot. Flowers, which kept her busy for exactly two weeks, until she decided she could no longer be arsed to tend to them. So yeah, now we have some posh flowers and a whole lot of random weeds growing out there, where the snake was buried. I didn't dare look, but our poor old snake probably had her final resting place in our wheelie bin. I told the neighbour to try and avoid digging up our dead pet, but it was probably a bit late by then. I don't wanna think about it.
It's strange. I honestly don't give a fuck about what happens to my body when I'm dead, since... you know. I'll be too dead to care. Have me stuffed in a cool pose and put me on the fireplace. Sell my organs on ebay. I seriously don't care. But the idea that the fat cow upstairs has probably thrown our dead snake in the trash is rather depressing. I feel tempted to do the same thing with the neighbours' annoying dog. I might have to help the mutt a bit with the whole reaching its 'deceased' state and all, but... hey, always happy to help!
 |
| I'll miss you. |
So, down to two reptiles again. For a while, anyway. But there was that empty snake tank now and... you know. The most expensive thing when you get a new reptile is rarely ever the reptile, itself. It's the setup. And we had one of those now, just sitting there, not housing anything. But it didn't seem right to get another garter snake and just 'replace' the old one. So we got this one, instead:
A Royal Python. She's one huuuuuge fucker by now, not the tiny baby snake you see on that video.
Yeah. Back to three reptiles. Totally enough, what with the two cats and all. Fingers crossed the landlord won't mind when he finds out.
Well, fuck.
Came to the shop one day and there was that teeny, tiny bosc monitor. There was also a guy with a mature monitor, dog-tame and everything. Biggest fucking lizard I had ever seen outside a zoo. I held him for a while. Heavy! Massive! Totally chilled out! The kinda pet you'd expect to see when visiting the Flintstones. His owner spent countless hours with his reptile each day, picked him up, stroked him, tamed him to a point where he could actually put his finger in the lizard's mouth and touch his teeth. I wouldn't even do that with most cats. Bastard made my beardies look completely shit in comparison!
Now now. I like our pets a lot and nothing will ever change that. But look at it this way. I go out shopping with a beardie, sit on the bus with a beardie, people get curious, ask questions, pet it, then some guy walks by with a fucking dinosaur.
And it had been a good year thus far, we had our finances under control and starting a payment plan towards a brand new monitor seemed like a cool idea. Which, of course, didn't work out. It never does. My life's alright until I decide I want something. And within just a few weeks we went from financially independence to, "Sorry, no meat this week" to, "Fuck, I don't think we can afford the rent!"
Awful. I didn't even wanna come to the shop anymore. I'd hafta give up on the payment plan, some random prick would buy my lizard, and the whole transformation from, "Good sir, please accept this humble payment, for I choose to purchase this herptile" to, "lolimahobo" was nothing short of embarassing.
Since I'm expecting my average follower to sport at least moderate intelligence, I'll fast-forward to Christmas from here. I'll assume you've all seen this coming, anyway. So yeah, the craziest thing happened. The whole family chipped in this year. I got the whole thing. Tank, heat, light, the works. And the very same lizard I had hoped to buy. Not a replacement one, not some random stranger, but the exact one I had started handling at the shop, hoping I'd be taking it home, someday. He'll ultimately outgrow his vivarium and I'm gonna have to find a kickass new, BIG one ASAP, but in the meanwhile, the second hand one will do nicely.
Also got a book about monitors as a manual of sorts. It's amusing to read "probably" and "seems to" in every paragraph, which just shows how little is known about pet reptiles so far.
Four reptiles. And I really need to stop here. I have no fucking clue how to explain this to the landlord during the next routine checkup. Frankly, I don't believe I should have to, since they're not dangerous or venomous or aggressive, they don't make any noises, the tanks are always nice and clean and these pets don't cause any smell, damage or whatever, but you can't blame a guy for thinking you're a little weird when you live with a snake, two bearded dragons, a bosc monitor and two cats. Then again, I've seen the neighbours. And the people who live around here. We're probably the most pleasant folks in the whole damn street.
On a slightly related note, let me sum up how this year's Xmas episode of this nation's most popular soap opera ruined the lives of almost every single character:
- Guy attempts to talk his ex out of marrying her new lover, so she'll come back to him instead
- Same guy gets surprise visit from his replacement girlfriend, who spontaneously moves back in with him
- Potential bride decides to cancel wedding to get back with ex, who now refuses her because his new GF showed up
- Potential bride decides to marry new lover, who cancels the wedding, because he finds out he's still only 2nd choice
- Potential groom fucks his younger brother's wife in frustration
- Whiny guy arranges wedding with his violent, abusive girlfriend, so he can get custody for their kid and abandon the slap-happy wife to-be. Fucks neighbour. A lot.
There's also some scary side-plots about gay dude, who breaks the hearts of two other gay dudes, when he realizes his sudden appreciation of the pussy. Owner of said pussy breaks the heart of her current lover to be with gay (?) dude. Rejected former lover then fucks 60 year old in frustration.
Not gonna comment on any of that. Just enjoying the fun of sharing what great quality Xmas tv people are enjoying over here.
-Cat
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