TV To Die

England is nuts. You can tell by how everyone drives on the wrong side of the fucking road. I have lost count of the many times where I looked into the wrong direction before crossing the road, only to hear a car hit the brakes and coming to an abrupt stop about two inches behind me. I'm not sure I'll live long enough to get used to this.

The weather around here is equally messed up. The other day, I went outside and it was grey and rainy and not particularly hot or cold. Like just about any other day around here. "Well", the missus said, looking at me, "that's the end of summer. Gotta hate this autumn weather!"
What? How can Brits even tell which season it is? It rains every 20 minutes every single day and it's 18 degrees all day long, just like it has been every single day since we moved here in May! On the rare event where temperatures actually climb up to an unbelievable 20 degrees, you can see all the guys in the street dropping their shirts and acting like they're about to melt!

Well, all of these things take some time getting used to. But if there's one thing I'll never get used to, it's the crap you get on tv around here, especially the stuff that comes straight from the US. There is this show titled "What the F...?!" where grossly overweight, naked ladies sit down on midgets. And the commentator keeps repeating the title of the show over and over again. Aaaand that's about it. Creepy...

And that's really just the beginning. "Incest - the last taboo", "My husband is gay" and "An idiot abroad" are fairly self-explanatory. Then there's "My pet shame", where people talk about their misbehaving pets and how they embarrass them in front of everyone. For instance, there was this dog, who would constantly lick his owner's worn panties. Yes, I'm absolutely sure that the damn dog is the problem there! And like every "reality" tv show, it's all fake. There were two whole episodes about flatulent pets, a cat and a dog respectively, which consisted of nothing but animal butthole closeups, computer-generated gas clouds and fart sound effects. Now that's entertainment!

But there are shows even less believable. "Embarrassing Illnesses". A show about people, who have ailments and diseases so yucky and weird, they don't dare see a doctor. So what's more logical than 3 fake doctors taking a look at them on tv? I don't want anyone to know about my genital warts, so why don't I go on tv and show my dick to the whole nation? Anyone else see the flaw in that logic? :P
So on top of yucky problems such as permanent diarrhea and people with no control over their urinary muscles, the audience gets to enjoy genital closeups at least every 5 minutes to make absolutely sure they don't lose interest in the show. In one episode, a crying and sobbing woman the size of Jabba the Hutt came into the studio. She was absolutely devastated because of her asymmetric boobs. So when she undressed and revealed those massive, saggy, wobbly, fatty bags of flesh, which dangled just a few inches above her toes, it became fairly obvious that one of those monstrosities being a tiny bit smaller than the other one was the least of her problems.

Both, the fake veterinarian and the fake embarrassing doctors interrupt their show every now and then to stare at the black screen of a turned-off laptop, which contains imaginary pictures and videos sent to them by imaginary worried viewers. The editors of these shows make it look like the computer is actually playing little youtube vids and other nonsense, which is being commented by the "doctors" with helpful advice. Interestingly enough, neither one of these shows actually seem to have valid email addresses where you could send said videos and questions. Even weirder, they already had those supposed emails from viewers on the very first episode of their show. Looks like there's a whole lot of psychics out there.

Well, they're already showing trailers, where teenagers eat burgers and drink milk shakes and then you see some wrinkly old farts working out in a gym. That steaming pile of crap will be called "Fitter than a pensioner?" and will without a doubt reveal the shocking truth about Britain's youth, which cannot compete with the living dead. And I'm sure it's gonna be in every way as exciting as "An idiot abroad", the show where they could barely stay awake whilst referring to it as "The funniest documentary of all times" in the stupid trailer. Such enthusiasm! Way to go!

For the very near future, I am predicting tv shows with titles such as "Sexually attracted to cheese", "My father is my uncle", "Things you should not put in a dog" and "I didn't know she was my grandma". I can't wait!