Evil Alien: The adventures of a German in Nottingham

I did it - several weeks ago, I pulled it off and moved from Germany to England. And I knew as much about the place and the slang over here, as school, tv and video games could possibly teach me. In other words - nothing.

England is weird. It's the land of haggis- kangaroo- and squirrel-flavoured crisps. And it's the land of big, fat buses, which run pretty much every 8-10 minutes. Which is pretty much the opposite of what I know about public transportation from Germany.

In Germany, trains and buses are always late. Always - it's the law. And they're not just a little late, either. I have heard of suicidal people, who sat on the tracks and died of a natural cause whilst waiting for a train to hit them.
Using public transportation in Germany means real-life-Tetris. Our buses are so full, it's impossibly to avoid constantly squeezing and rubbing against the other passengers. In fact, I know a girl who just got on the bus for 20 minutes to get to work and she got off pregnant.

England is a lot more comfortable with these things. Then again, the Brits have a few odd quirks of their own. The first thing everyone always asks when they see me in Nottingham is, "Are you alright?" Every single time. I checked everywhere for gaping wounds, went to the doctor, but people wouldn't stop asking. Turns out, it's how they say "hello" over here. In fact, they do *not* expect a response. If people in Nottingham ask if you're alright, they do in fact not give a fuck about how you are feeling.

Of course, awkward slang and weird language works the other way 'round, as well. Hailing from the land of sausage, I was always surrounded by people who love wieners, salami and even snacky cheapass would-be salami crap such as "Bi-Fi". I'm not entirely sure whether this stuff is even legal in England, but let's just say it's a popular brand of salami snacks in Germany. One of their products is ball-shaped and titled "Bi-Fi Balls". And in case you've wondered - yes, they are pronounced 'beefy balls'.
If you ever wanted to alienate visitors from England, ask them if they'd like a taste of those.

If you think that's awkward, do it like me and work for a Korean company for a while. One of the general managers there went by the name of Dong-Suk. Ever tried booking a hotel room in New York for Dong-Suk? Give it a try!

On that note - how do they answer the phone at this restaurant?

Well, who knows. Maybe one day, my old pal Dong-Suk will serve beefy balls at the Fook Yue restaurant. In the meanwhile, I'll go ride the bus for a bit.