Watch_Dongs

Like any German, I love nudity. I am completely naked while I'm writing this blog and I'm surrounded by naked animals. Within reason. The cats are as naked as they're comfortable with, though they run at the sight of my electric shaver. Our monitor lizard Hugo is in a state of perpetual shedding. And if you had two penises like our royal python, would you ever wear pants? Of course not! Let that veiny German sausage flop out and dangle freely atop its mighty, leathery pouch. And with that I have lost 90 percent of my readers before the end of the first paragraph.
C'mon now! Stop acting like you don't worship the wang. Humankind has been obsessed with dicks since the stone age, back when videogames still had pixels the size of postage stamps. Don't believe me? Check out the ever so tasteful Custer's Revenge (1982):

This is more difficult to masturbate to than I remember.

We had pixel-dicks in 1997's Rampage World Tour, when the giant monsters you controlled on there reverted back to their human form. Your character's penis size in Rust is directly linked to your SteamID, because the digital dong is a pretty big deal on there. And if you prefer your baby injector to be green and adorable, there's always Looterkings:

"Awweww!"

And after roughly three and a half decades of pork swords in videogames, we have finally achieved true greatness. We have finally reached a point where all the boring gameplay and characters and story and everything else is gone, all the nonsense that only serves as a distraction from what's really important:

Without a doubt, the penis has achieved just about everything one could possibly hope and dream for in videogames. I mean, could you even imagine a blockbuster title like GTA V without a few dicks in there?

Of course not!

And that's alright! Who doesn't enjoy a bit of fresh air down there every now and then? Who doesn't want to break free from the shackles of society, go back to a simpler time, commune with their inner animal and just be a wild dog every once in a while? Women, apparently.

Isn't it funny how the aforementioned GTA V has strip clubs, but all you ever get to see in there is boobs? In fact, this is exactly the only place where you'll ever see any boobs at all, because female player characters can't remove their underwear even when they're taking a shower. The ladies of Los Santos all shower with their bras on. In a game full of murder, drugs, prostitution and a whole camp full of naked old men with their dicks out, there's no female nudity, apart from a pair of sad, pixellated meat pillows in a dark and depressing strip club.

But then one game was meant to change everything, to usher in an age of equality, to bring balance to the genitalia. Watch Dogs 2! One brave player has heroically murdered a lady on there, revealing what most of us have long ceased to believe in: beef curtain textures! He posted a picture of the dead NPC's lady parts and promptly got banned on PSN.

People have been posting videos of pissing male Watch_Dogs
characters since 2014 and nobody gives a fuck.

The ban has been lifted a little while later and Ubisoft apologized, then quickly removed the offending bits in a snatch patch. There's no more female nudity in Watch Dogs 2. Meanwhile, male characters still walk around with their dicks out, because really, we've been okay with this since 1982.
Fucking why, Ubisoft? Why not commit to this? You could have made a difference!

I trusted you!

I find this very confusing and I'm full of questions, most of all this one:
Why the fuck is every news article about this nonsense referring to the offending texture as a vagina? You're looking at a vulva. The vagina is all the creepy shit that's on the inside - I highly doubt female character models are that detailed in any game today, even in 2016.

More importantly, though: why the fuck do we need genitalia in videogames at all? I live right next to a pub and I get to see more dicks and public urination than any sane person could ever care for, even if that person is German. Do I really have to see this stuff in games? Is that supposed to make me feel more immersed? I'm not offended by it, I just fail to see the benefit.
More importantly, though - why is it such a big fucking deal when somebody trips upon a (poorly textured) naked female NPC? Why would anyone at Ubisoft feel the need to release a public statement about this, followed by a patch that gets rid of the offending tuna taco hours later? Why are schlongs so perfectly acceptable, but god forbid if some virtual chick doesn't have her undies tattoed on to her butt?

Using tits to sell videogames is totally cool, though.

Here's the thing that annoys me the most: I still remember when one of the selling points for Age of Conan was in the exposed breasts for female characters. At least in regions where this feature wasn't censored. "Breast physics" and animated tits have been listed as a cool, selling feature in games like Soul Calibur and its predecessor Soul Edge (or Soul Blade, depending where you are). It's perfectly acceptable to say, "Hey you! Our game has tits and they jiggle!" It's alright to have a game full of cocks and just not mention them at all. Add what people seem to think is a "vagina" and everyone loses their collective shit.

Maybe just don't put genitalia in games. Or, if you're oh-so desperate to offend, to be edgy, at least have the balls (ha!) to add the occasional cunt here and there. Use both. Or nothing. You fucking cowards.