Our house has a lot in common with our reptiles. For instance, it's shedding its skin like crazy. The fucking plaster has been coming off for a while and only three years later the landlord decided to do something about it. So we get a bunch of people showing up right outside our bedroom window at 8am ever day, happily hammering away at the remaining plaster. I usually work at night, so this whole situation isn't great, especially since these guys are taking their sweet time and they tend to leave at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
Surprises don't have to be all bad, of course. For as much as I hate club cards and vouchers and shit (seriously, just make your stuff cheaper, for fuck's sake!), it was pretty neat to log in to this:
They used to send vouchers and statements in the mail, then it all switched to email, then it all ended up in the spam folder and... well, guess we didn't really check on that thing for a while. Man, look at all the pizza, burgers and ice cream I can get with these vouchers and not spend anything! Yeah, about that...
Claire decided she wants to go all healthy again. She's usually the first one to crack and give up on the whole thing, sometimes before it even starts. But here comes the summer, it's titties and tank tops and everybody wants to be sexy, so here's to another month or so of healthy eating if we even make it that far.
I know, I'm being super negative about the whole thing, but it simply never works. I have friends and family who go all crazy about this healthy food thing for a while, they lose a figurative ton of weight and look super awesome and go right back to being fatties. We're really no exception here. You do this for a day or two, feel all smug until a week later you start craving all kinds of shit, then you introduce a "cheat day", then you decide it's okay to eat junk food on weekends and then you have junk food leftovers or you can't be fucked to cook, so you order a pizza and hellooooooo food, I've missed you so much! Addiction is a cunt.
Still happy that I'm buying a truckload of food for only 12 pence, but I wish it was a little less healthy.
The main problem is how we're not one, but two fatties. I can have all the will and discipline in the world, but all it takes is a weak partner, who keeps on blabbing about whoppers and ice cream sundaes and you're fucked. Or maybe I'll be the one craving chicken tits wrapped in bacon and covered in melting cheese with a bit of woodsmoke BBQ sauce on top. The point is, we're both gonna hate boring, healthy food and basically we're just gonna wait for the other one to cave, so we can justify being a pussy about it and give up with them. Because if your partner isn't 100% in there, why should you? Or whichever lame excuse is convenient at the time.
The rest of your life.
Anyhow - the current plan of attack is to reduce carbs and calories and nothing else. Not the amount. We're always fucking eating. Internet is dead? Let's eat. Nothing on tv? Let's have some food. Done fucking for the 4th time this afternoon? How about a snack? You can't drastically reduce that, it's just not gonna happen. So I'm trying something else.
Skinless chicken breast or beef. Not a whole ton, but ya can't go without at least some animal matter. And a fucking ton of whatever vegetables we can find. Broccoli. Carrots. Peppers. Throw in some goddamn mushrooms. Basically, just fill up the whole damn pot with whatever greens we can find. Add some mashed tomato and/or low fat yoghurt and that's it. Cook a pot of this shit so big, you couldn't eat the whole thing if your life depended on it. And the whole damn thing won't be anywhere near the 2000 or so calories you're allowed per day. And drink lotsa water. Maybe tomato juice for flavour. No fruity, sugary juices, no soda, no nothing.
Yeah, onions are pretty fucking great.
Then watch us lose our minds and start eating each other after a few days. Perhaps weeks. I don't think we can get used to mountains of random vegetables and a bit of lean meat for... well, for the rest of our lives, really. Because that's the thing with healthy food. You don't do that shit for a month or two until you've lost a certain amount of weight and then go back to junk food. I'm probably just a really shitty cook, unable to think of enough ways to prepare healthy stuff in attractive ways to stop us from getting bored after a few days. It's a stupid situation. We need to change a few things if I don't want to end up like my old man, whose diabetes probably contributed to him suddenly passing away at age 58. On the other hand, I really like how they're selling thise 4-packs of Magnum ice cream at half price right now. Somebody suggested having only some of that stuff. You know, less. That's not how it works, though, is it? Have some ice cream, munch on a bag of crisps, oh hey, cheesy crackers, that shit disappears without you even thinking about it. Best not to go anywhere near it in the first place.
Naaaah, I'm happy with some cauliflower, thanks!
Claire also doesn't like salad. Or vinegar. Unless it's on some fucking chips. That makes things so much easier! Who needs options, right?
Oh well. GTA:
What blew me away more than the effects in the video or how they re-created scenes from GTA V is how incredibly alike Los Angeles and Los Santos are. I've never been to Los Angeles and while I knew that Los Santos was inspired by LA, I had no idea how incredibly similar the two were. Wow! Look at the pictures here.
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