I used to be cool, now I'm just old

I'm a lazy bastard with too much time on my hands, so I browse online picdumps a lot. And I see ancient jokes on there, stuff I didn't find funny when I first saw it 20 years ago. And when I check the comments section to see if anyone agrees with how old and unfunny that crap is, I see a bunch of kids, who act like it's a super awesome new joke they're seeing for the first time. Chances are, some of these little shits weren't even born when I first saw that stuff.

Oooooooold!

Some kid kicked his ball into our backyard the other day, so I came outside to help him get it back. Cmon, we've all done that kinda thing, sometimes you make a new friend that way, kick that thing around a bit. Poor fella was petrified, nearly crapped himself. I was wearing pants and everything, but I had to realise that I've changed from this:

Ask my friends and family, I fucking looked like him until I was 15

to this:

Well... almost. My sense of fashion might be a tad better, but with more holes.

There was a house party across the road from us the other day and this hot young girl talked to me as I walked past there. And I thought, "Hey, still got it!". She asked if I was here to pick up my kid. Ouch! Awright, I can understand I'm too old to be anywhere near the shag-radar, but surely I'm not old enough to be your parent! I just don't know what's going on anymore.
You see, when I write my articles and reviews, some of them end up online and there's always a certain amount of dipshits posting stupid crap under my stuff, telling me how I've got no clue wtf I'm talking about (joke's on you, fucker, I get paid and you don't!), so sometimes I check on their profiles, see they're born in 1990something and think they're just stupid little brats. Until I do the math and realise they're legal adults.

What really gets me is when some dumbass 16 year old posts shit about how awesome the 90s supposedly were. "Proud to be a 90s kid" and what not. What the fuck do you even remember from the 90s? Crawling around on all fours and shitting yourself?
You know what the saddest thing is? I don't think I even want to be cool by today's fucked up standards anymore. Do you know wtf kids these days are into? Fucking ponies! My goddamn little pony, dubstep and fucking candy-flavoured beer and vodka for kids. Calling everyone "bro". Just... don't. Okay? Don't you fucking bro me!

You know what I'm into? Reptiles. Look at how our new beardie is doing:

As for Dark Souls, well... you either cry about its difficulty like a bitch or you keep at it and become... badass.

-Cat