Afterlife

Sometimes I just want the world to end. You know, just wait for that orange dipshit and whatever the fuck it is that he's carrying around on his head to push the button that will ultimately eradicate us all. There is so much hate, lying and bullshitting going on everywhere around me, I'm quite terrified of everyday social interaction, because I can no longer tell what's real. Take shopping, for instance. Every so often one of the cashiers at the local supermarket will pick out any random item of mine while I'm just waiting to pay for my shit and she'll act all amazed by it. "Wait a minute. White asparagus? What do you even do with that?"
Yeah well, I was hoping to take it out to the movies, maybe have dinner afterwards and if I play my cards right, perhaps it'll blow me. We'll see how it goes. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do with it?

I reckon most sane people will immediately forget this sort of interaction, because it means nothing. But I see that same cashier around town, in the streets, walking around, going on her errands, doing normal people stuff and she'll put on the frowniest, most miserable face you're ever going to see. And I can smile at her, nod, hey look, I'm the asparagus guy and she'll go out of her way to avoid noticing me. Because she doesn't give a shit about me or my shopping. She's forced to pretend, because some asshole in marketing figured out that customers get a better experience when the staff pretends to give a fuck about them.

I feel that most everyday interaction with people works like that. I had office jobs where all my coworkers were super friendly to each other until the moment somebody left the room. "Man, did you smell that? I think he's completely drunk again!" "What the hell was she thinking when she bought those pants? Her ass is way too fat for that!" Always makes me wonder what these guys had to say when I wasn't around. Neighbours are a lot like that, as well.

We've all been there.

Again, I understand that most people don't really give a fuck about these things, but when I hear people laughing, I tend to assume it's about me. And when people are being nice, I often wonder if they're just phoning it in and they actually really hate me. It's nothing I lose sleep over or anything, but it can make things a bit awkward in what should be perfectly simple, harmless interactions. Like going out for dinner. How much of a smile is pleasant and when is it creepy? I hate being a dick to anyone in the service industry, but how much is a generous tip and when do I look like an asshole trying to show off? At the end of my dinner I'll spend the rest of the night re-playing every instance in my head where I think I fucked up or seemed weird, when realistically that same waitress is gonna have another dozen customers, half of which are gonna act like genuine cunts, while I'm just awkward and overthinking shit. She's not gonna remember me in particular. I know that, but these situations still freak me out. I don't know how to be an adult.

I find it difficult not to assume that all people are assholes and everyone hates everyone when I look at the comments sections everywhere around the internet. I posted a funny message on Tesco's facebook site earlier, because I get bored easily and then I entertain myself by making everyone's day a little more surreal. Nothing malicious, just a little bit of fun. I don't like it when people fly off the handle over stupid, pointless shit all the time, so I'm always trying to be nice with customer support folks. It's not their fault and they get to put up with enough cunts all the time as it is.

"Go fuck myself... die... in a fire... my whole family, too. Noted. Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir?"

So while I was already on their profile, I had a quick look at what other customers were saying. One apple in a bag of 12 was mouldy, fucking outrage, there were six people in front of me at the till, I'm never shopping here again, blah de blah, also this mother here...

It's always mothers, who are more annoying than anybody else.

Things got drastically less funny when I tripped over a bunch of "how dare you" posts, because apparently they also offer halal meat, which is clearly labelled as such. And then there's this guy:

Notice how I don't hide people's names on this shit? They're posting on a public page for everyone to see, so fuck 'em.

To be fair, this guy isn't trying super hard to be offensive. But I got curious and searched for the offending ad on Google, the first result being this link here.
Basically, it's just one of those generic Xmas ads where you see a bunch of families eating together, exchanging presents, you know, all the stuff you do with family members whose presence you try to avoid any other day of the year.

Turns out one of the families in that video is brown and apparently Muslim. And some people are absolutely losing their shit. And by 'some people' I mean stupid racist cunts. I mean, how many of you fucks are practicing Christians, really? Do you go to church every Sunday? Because here's the thing - I don't care whether or not there's a god or whether he somehow managed to get a girl pregnant some 2000s years ago. Or, you know, maybe we're basically celebrating the stupidity of history's most gullible boyfriend. I don't care for any of that crap, you won't see me anywhere near a church in this life and when I'll finally kick the bucket a few years from now they can give my body to science for all I care. Tell you what, though - I actually quite enjoy sitting around with the family, exchanging presents, eating stupid amounts of food and generally acting like a pig. Christmas can be fucking fun, even if you're not the religious type.

This is me, is what I'm saying.

So how very dare they show a fictional Muslim family enjoying the festive season, right? You stupid, irritating, racist hypocrite fucks! First you bitch about how "they refuse to accept our culture and traditions" and how they "don't want to fit in" and now you're flying off the handle at the idea that some of them might actually enjoy Christmas? The fuck is wrong with you?
It's almost hilarious, when you look at the ad, how they're singing about love, peace and understanding and how a bunch of utter fuckwits, who love to believe they're all about family values and tolerance can get so pissed off at the very idea that a bunch of brown people might eat a turkey or how - gasp! - the poor thing might be halal!
Don't you ever just want to reach right through your screen, grab these idiots by the back of the head and just smash them face-first into their keyboards a few times until all the stupid just runs out in a mushy red puddle?
It's shit like this, which makes me think about death a lot. Not because I crave it or some shit (I don't), but sometimes I do wonder how nice and quiet it must be. Nobody trying to get you to prepare for Christmas in October, nobody hating anyone for having the wrong skin colour. And nobody remembering you. Not the real you, anyway.

It's a strange thought. When people die we love to tell ourselves that people will never truly be dead for as long as we remember them. But we only remember the stuff we knew about them. Sure, I remember my grandparents. Or my father. But I only knew them as well as they let me. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff they've said and done, which has already been forgotten and nobody will remember any of it. At the end of the day, all we really remember of a person is how they made us feel. And maybe that's enough.

I'm about to grate the cheese here. Flee while you still can!

We have this strange power over people, which most of us don't seem to be aware of. I can make your day with an honest compliment or completely ruin it by being a dick. I can play it safe and do nothing, which is probably a good idea in a time where everyone is outraged about everything. This is another thing I presume most sane people don't think about, because duh. But it fascinates me. Because at the end of the day, the main reason why I even bother to keep getting up, to keep paying my bills, working at a job I don't understand one bit, try to weasel my way around a society I'll never manage to understand in the slightest is a small handful of people, who make me feel really, seriously good.

I have this friend, who, by the laws of reason and logic, shouldn't be an acquaintance of mine in any scenario. He proudly shows off his MLP bedclothes. His favourite colour is pink. He posts more pictures of his cats than even somebody like me could stand, and kittens are in my fucking brand name and online identity - I'm a cat person for all intents and purposes! And he sends me fucking unicorn postcards. I detest absolutely everything he likes. And he'll never understand how grateful I am to know him, because in a world full of hateful assholes, racists and bigots, there's this one insane guy, who is so stupidly friendly and innocent and silly and pure. There isn't a shadow of a doubt I would have beaten the crap out of him had we been to the same school in our teenage years. He's also proof that not everything in the world is completely awful. Well. He's a bit awful, but not in a bad way.

This is so stupid!

I have this friend, who decided to be a music teacher to young kinds in school and they love him to pieces. He's been through a lot of shit, most of his family treats him like crap and sometimes he struggles with the world. A lot. Because everything is shit. And then he spends most of his time being the most awesome music teacher a kid could have apart from maybe Jack Black.
One of my friends had been struggling for years to find a job in this awful economy. The guy suffered the same levels of crippling povery I got to enjoy for the past decade. When he heard that the one thing I missed from Germany more than anything else was malt beer, he sent a massive parcel full of the stuff to me. Without asking. Or telling. Or wanting anything in return.

One friend sent me a jar of sauerkraut and a graphics card when mine went up in smoke (the GPU, not the kraut). And for as much as I love to bitch about the gaming press, I have met some of the craziest, most wonderful, lovable people there. From a dear friend to told me my shit was too good for the amount I'm getting paid when others constantly put me down and kept telling me "there's no budget" and I'm "just not there, yet." To another dear friend, who seems to keep coming back to this blog, quotes all of my own crap to me and keeps wasting her time with my nonsense no matter what a creepy failure of a human being I am. To friends who say they hope I'll eventually change my mind and come back to review more stuff someday, after I've been shitting all over the job, because I'm feeling so fucking burned out by everything. To a special someone who slaves away night after night after night, looking after the weak and the handicapped for absolute slave wages. I may not always show it, but I couldn't possibly respect and admire you and what you do any more than I already do.

I don't mean to make this all about myself, but at the end of the day, all self-proclaimed 'artists' and funny people are broken, messed-up egomaniacs. I think what I'm really trying to say is this: Nobody will remember you when you die. Not the real you, anyway. They remember the idea they have of you in their minds. Most of all, though, they'll remember how you made them feel. What you do touches people's lives. Whether that's in a good way or a bad way is entirely up to you. And for as dumb as it may sound - if it wasn't for the handful of genuinely good people in my life, I'd see no reason to carry on. Life is so dumb, depressing and boring and full of shit and hate and lies. It's you very weird and very few, who give my life meaning, who give me hope that not absolutely everything is awful. You're making my life better. I'm not even gonna link this on social media, because it's the corniest garbage I've ever written. But it's nice to have it out of my system.