Pokémoron

I don't remember whether I picked red or blue back in the day. Or what my first starter was. I remember quitting somewhere around the first gym and never taking another look at the game, because I didn't really like it all that much. My brother used to tape every single episode of the anime (yes, tape, that's how long ago it was!) and I just cringed at the voice actors trying to sound like various imaginary animals. Yes, it's that time again where I talk about how I'm not a Pokémon fan.

Claire is almost seven years younger than I am. Look, it's not my fault she's marrying downhill! But when Pokémon first became a thing over here she was exactly the right age to get hooked. She was totally into this stuff, even with them swapping rice balls with sandwiches or referring to them as donus, because oh no, people around the world eat different foods and I can't identify with a kid who eats rice, so I won't purchase any merchandise or something.

Fucking donuts, apparently.

A while ago I blogged about how I played Pokémon X for Claire, since I get to drag her into stuff like Call of Duty, Dark Souls and the like, so it's only fair we play some of 'her' games, as well. And while I didn't obsess over it or do much with it after completing the main story, I did in fact complete that part of Pokémon X and found it to be entirely tolerable. Because at the end of the day, the game still uses oldschool console RPG mechanics and that stuff is playable whether you're controlling sorcerers and knights or a bunch of fucked up cartoon creatures. I don't think I'll ever get used to the lame English names, though. Wanna know what a Snorlax is called in Germany? Fucking Relaxo, bitches. That's how you name Pokémon.

Claire was hyped as fuck when the release of the new Pokemon Sun/Moon ('SuMo') was on the horizon. She avoided all reviews and even most trailers, because she didn't want any spoilers. She picked Moon and decided I had to play Sun, which is okay, because that one has a cool lion thing on the cover. And really, XY was okay, so I expected more of the same with the new one. Which was mostly true, except SuMo might actually be a bit better. I'm genuinely enjoying it and finding it fun, which is pretty impressive, considering I never really liked any of this stuff.

I googled 'edgy' and this is one of the results.

One thing I immediately liked about the new game is how it throws all these oldschool, classic Pokémon at you, which I actually know and remember rolling my eyes at 20 years ago. I think there used to be 150 back then and by now we're at an insane 801, if Google tells me the truth. Now what I like about them is how many of them were changed for the new game. They look different, come with new elements and skills and generally feel very fun to play around with.
Some of the changes are weirder than others. Alolan Meowth is openly gay and very sassy. And that's cool. I'm happy that he has finally found himself.

Good for you, little buddy. Good for you.

Once the boring tutorial crap ends and you actually get to fucking play, there's so much variety in wild Pokémon right outside your house, you'll get a strong, diverse team set up in minutes. There's also some exciting new stuff right at the beginning, like a grub, which evolves into a freaking bus and finally turns into some kind of fighter jet. Some changes are sillier than others and the guys at Gamefreak must be aware of certain memes. Still, I hope regional variants like the new Alolan Pokémon will be a thing from now on. Alola itself, which is apparently based on Hawaii, is okay, too, even if it's a bit cheesy. You still get a decent amount of variety in landscapes and architecture. Some of the Hawaii-remixes are a bit weird, but overall, the soundtrack is catchier than it was in XY.

Mmmbop!

Compared to XY, the early Pokémon in SuMo also get more interesting moves. Yes, there's still a certain amount of biting and tackling, but most of the early moves now come with a chance to paralyze, poison, flinch and other such fun effects, which can make them valid even at higher levels. Mind you, XY is all I know for comparison, but the SuMo critters seem to have more utility to them early-on.

You still unlock hilariously powerful ultimates, which deal massive damage, but also come with a much larger chance to miss completely. If they hit, they'll force your Pokémon to rest and skip its next turn. High risk vs high reward. I'm really quite surprised at how good the balancing feels in a game, which seems to be targeted mostly at kids.

Granted, all of the day one fans are old as fuck now.

Speaking of balancing: If you're the competitive type who cares about shit like perfect IVs, there's now a new hyper training feature, which lets you max out these values without forcing you to waste months of your life trying to breed the perfect Pokémon. You also get to raise your EVs by sticking your 'mons in a bouncy castle, so there is that.

This takes away the unfair advantage which certain people have by injecting 'perfect' Pokémon using homebrew apps, custom firmware or flash carts. On top of that, the servers check if your critters have any moves, stats or abilities they normally couldn't have and if there's any bullshit detected, then that Pokémon simply won't be allowed to battle online. Yep - a handheld game for kids has better anticheat functions than 90% of the stuff I get to play on Steam.

Those wallhacks, tho.

The UI is as close to perfect as you can get in a handheld game. Don't like the order of your moves? Drag, drop and rearrange that shit. Same goes for your Pokémon and even all of the options in your menu - don't like how your save function is right next to your Pokédex? That's a weird thing to be upset about, but just go and move one of them someplace else, if you so desire. It's user-friendly, intuitive and fun to mess around with. Oh and - you now get special riding Pokémon in a separate stash, so you no longer have to keep a slave, who has to know cut, fly, surf and the like. Thank fuck!

With all the praise I have for this game, there's still some stuff that really gets on my nuts. Look, I'm used to the series' traditionally awful, negligent parents and the utterly cringeworthy villains - and the new Team Skull really takes the piss. But can we stop overexplaining everything, with zero possibility to skip shit? I don't need to be shown how to throw a fucking ball at something. I don't need to be told that a potion goes into the medicine bag every goddamn time I pick one up. Some people had had to put up with this for seven generations of these games and I'm already sick of it halfway through my second one.

Being able to pet, feed, brush and blow-dry my team is a bit weird, too.

And even 25 hours into the game I still get to beat up random preschool kids who bring a single Magicrap or some other completely helpless critter. And then take their lunch money. Can we maybe stop with the 10+ so-called 'trainers' in every area, who all just happen to own one or two Pokémon while the player gets six from the very beginning of the game? It's statistically impossible to lose to most of them, even when you just mash buttons and use completely random moves. One of your six guys ought to destory theirs eventually.

Gym battles have been replaced by trials, which I found very enjoyable. They consist of little mazes, quizzes and scavenger hunts, so they're not super different from the previous games' gyms, but they offered even more variety, some fun cutscenes and a good amount of goofy humor. Watching a bunch of Marowak dance atop a volcano is really something! Still, each trial follows only one elemental flavour and the game tells you about it in advance. So when you know you're gonna face nothing but fire Pokémon, just bring a bunch of water types and you're good to go. It's nice to have themes, I guess, but it's just not very difficult that way.

This guy is literally unable to attack. I was attacked by an AI trainer, who brought two of them.

Many modern games are taking this weird direction where the narrative has to suck the player's dick nonstop, constantly telling them how incredible and awesome they are. The main storyline of XY had two, maybe three battles if you count the ultimate four, where you actually faced a full team of six enemy Pokémon. I've spent 25 hours on Sun, I have completed each but the very last grand trial and the largest fight I ever had so far was against five. And that happened exactly once. I don't like how the odds are so blatantly stacked in my favour. And then the story goes on and on and on about how I'm such a natural, a true Pokémon master, blah de blah. Bullshit! I just get twice as many Pokémon as anyone else. I fucking cheat.

SuMo is slightly more challenging than X, but so far I haven't lost a single battle. Not one. I'm sure there's gonna be some really hard post-game content, but I shouldn't have to play 40+ hours just to get a challenge. It's not like I'm carefully planning and building a team. I just use what looks cool. Don't confuse this for a lame attempt at bragging. I'm not competitive, I don't play online, I still don't understand things like hidden abilities and the like. I'm merely trying to point out how it seems almost impossible to lose, even when you have no idea wtf you're doing.

I do understand that my black Charizard is cool, though.

Right, one more whine for good measure: Transfers. I wanna move some of my favourite XY Pokémon to SuMo. There are some crazy people who carried over some of their ancient gen 1 'mons all the way into XY. It's an important feature.
So why in the fuck do I have to register to something called the Pokémon Bank, pay a fee and then wait until January before I can upload my old team from the previous game, then download them into the new game?

I've used a homebrew app to move all of my stuff from the last game into the current one, because there's no way I'm paying extra money and signing up on some website, only to do something that should have been a built-in feature to begin with.

Some of these new guys are too cute for me.

Pokémon Sun/Moon is great. It's entirely too easy and assumes that most of its target audience is no older than ten and needs to be praised for absolutely everything. But the new Alola variants are great to look at and play with, the trials are fun, the game looks absolutely stunning and you get so much play time for your money, this one's a real no-brainer to pick up, even when you're like me and you don't really care about the series all that much.

If you're hoping to transfer your stuff from the previous games, however, then you're out of luck for now. You'll have to wait for the Pokémon Bank to be updated early next year or resort to homebrew. If that's not an issue for you, then there's really no reason not to pick this up. And if you've actually read this whole thing all the way to the end, then you've probably already bought it, anyway.