Got dragged into a Diablo 3 live stream today. Total accident. Some colleagues were streamin' something and I stumbled right into that thing, so I played and talked about it for a while and everyone was happy. And we looked so cool together!
I'm still trying to get used to the idea of having fans. Some guy sent me a friend request on Facebook the other day. Without telling me who he was or why he wants to be friends or anything, but I usually accept requests and if people don't talk to me after a while I just call them out and troll them a bit. Trolled him too, been a bit of a jerk until the other day, where he just offered me an expansion key for Diablo 3. Claire's mum is getting into the game right now, so I asked around on Facebook whether anyone could recommend a place that sold the expansion for a little less than Blizzard does and he just offered his for free, because he didn't need it. Made me feel like a right asshat.
Turns out he added me on FB because he likes this blog you're reading right now and he reads my columns and articles in the magazine and I've been a total jackass about it. I'm not a very nice person. I don't claim to be. Some people believe this whole thing on here and in my articles, during streams and everything is just some kind of persona, a show I put on for a virtual audience or something. And then they add me on Facebook and get all shocked and surprised when I'm rude and inappropriate on there, which usually ends with them unfriending me as quickly as they requested to be my friends in the first place. I may have to brush up on the ol' people skills a bit.
That said, don't expect me to behave like some kind of role model. Yeeees, I know, that sounds all cheesy and arrogant and full of myself, but hear me out. Somebody actually wrote that to me the other day. That he is concerned, because people know me from gaming magazines and websites and podcasts and some kids may look up to me, so I shouldn't joke about what a nice day it is to sit on the porch with my crack pipe. So, dear kids, if you're reading this, I don't really have a crack pipe, drugs are bad, go to school and study hard to get a proper job one day, okay?
Seriously though, how does one even react to such overdramatic stuff? I'm pretty sure I don't inspire anyone to do anything. And anyone intelligent enough to appreciate my stuff should also be smart enough to figure out when I'm being sarcastic, right? I'm not role model material. I dropped out of school, I never knew what to do with my life and I just happened to be offered the coolest job in the world. Insane luck. If it hadn't been for that one special day where the right people tripped upon my blog and asked me to write for them and get paid, I'd probably be living in a cardboard box under a bridge near you. Right now. So. Whatever you do. Don't use me for inspiration. Unless you're doing something sexual. Email me pictures!
Diablo is still fun, though it gets a bit silly at times. Randomized item and monster names, for instance. I have a ring named "The Sink", which I like to throw out on occasion. Not without properly announcing it first, of course. Monster names are even weirder at times. Rare baddies on there get names and titles generated depending on their abilities and skills. So you might get a "Pann, Mangler of Heroes" or "Hatemonger the Murderer". Which is fine, gives the whole thing a nice, scary touch and all. Some of the monster job descriptions do get oddly specific, though. What's up with "Xann, Crippler of Princes"? Is that kind of specialization in such high demand in hell that they'd hire demons just to, I dunno, poke royal offspring in the foot or something?
It's not something to be so proud of that you'd make a big deal of it, right? I mean, how do they introduce each other in the break room? "Oh hey, I can mangle 32 heroes all at the same time!"
"Well, that's pretty cool, I guess. I crippled a prince once. Got a title and everything." Mkay.
Another thing that confuses me about Diablo is the resources many of the characters use to use their special abilities. Remember when all that shit was simply called mana? Well, some classes still use that, but others now use fury, hatred or wrath, which are all different words for the same thing. They all benefit from the power of being pissed off. Why they all need different-sounding names and varying colours for that is beyond me. Would it really be any different if they just used mana, instead? You know, like in the first two Diablo games?
My subscription for TESO has run out and so far, I'm not tempted to come back. On top of all the technical problems, the non-existent endgame and the poor support, there is this one problem with the game, which has bothered me a lot: Your decisions don't matter one bit. See, every so often you get to choose whether you wanna execute or spare a villain, because he might be oh-so sorry and he'll make up for it or some shit. Or you'll have to kill one guy and spare the other, so you have to choose who lives and who dies. You never run into any of these fuckers again. Ever. Heck, even at the end of... hang on... FUCKING SPOILER
SPOILERSPOILERSPOILER! If you want to play TESO and not get part of the story ruined by me, stop reading right the fuck now. Okay? Everyone gone? Here goes: Even at the end of the storylines for both the fighters and the mages guild, you get to decide the fate of their respective leaders. And it doesn't fucking matter what you choose, because you'll never get another quest from these NPCs again, you'll never have anything to do with them ever again and the game simply introduces a whole lot of brand new replacement characters instead, no matter how or what you decide.
It's fucking lazy writing. They give you the illusion of a choice, but everything always plays out 100% the same and there are no consequences to your actions. And once you figure that out, some of these decisions will feel awfully forced and not very believable at all.
See, there is this one quest where two souls end up sharing the same body. They're two mages, both of which get their souls put into one body and they take turns at who gets to be in charge. And they're dying. For reasons the game never really bothers to explain properly, only one soul may occupy a body or they'll both be destroyed in the end. You can see where this is going - you have to decide which of the two souls gets to keep the body. The other soul will be destroyed.
Here is where it gets stupid: Not only do both souls want you to decide which of them gets to live and which of them dies, even though they've only known you for about five minutes and couldn't give two shits about your personal opinion. They're both okay with dying! Both of them basically say, "Oh, it's okay, my friend here should live and I'll die in peace, knowing at least one of us made it." And this isn't some cheesy Elder Scrolls death where they turn into a spirit and spend an eternity drinking, singing and fucking along with their dead Nord friends somewhere up in Sovngarde. Their souls will be destroyed. That's it, no afterlife, no nothing, dead and completely eradicated for good. And they're both cool with it.
If that quest was at least trying to be remotely believable and realistic, both of them would beg for their miserable lives. Something like this:
Soul #1: "I wanna live! Kill the other guy! He shouldn't be alive in the first place! He starts jacking it the moment he gets to take over for a while! And not just to anything! He's looking at the fucking corpses when he does it! We're on the plane of death and he squeezes knuckle children at the sight of dead bodies!"
Soul #2: "Don't listen to that filthy liar! If anything, you should destroy him and allow me to live! So what if I wack it now and then, it's the only damn thing you can do around here! At least I'm not fucking the corpses!"
#1: "You what?"
#2: "Oh, you head me! This guy is the real sicko! When he's in charge, he skullfucks the rotting bodies of grizzly bears, right in the eyesocket! Destroy him! Think of the bears!"
You know, that way you're gonna feel like shit at the end of the quest, even if there is no real consequence to your decision. It'll stay with you. Not like this happy happy joy joy "Oh, it's okay, go ahead and kill me, I don't mind" nonsense.
And before I go - cows:
-Cat
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