Dealing with Death

This may sound cheesy, but the saddest day of my life was when my cat died. I've always had pets. Fish, a tiny lobster, snakes, lizards and a whole lot of cats. But this one cat in particular was special. When I went to work in the morning, the cat would follow me to the bus stop. She'd be there and pick me up when I got home from work. She followed me into the store when I spent my humble wages on tuna. Sometimes she'd sit on my shoulder when I walked around town. She was tiny. Didn't wanna grow up. Just sat there.

One day she got ill, sat in the corner all day, didn't want to eat, didn't want anyone near her. It all happened very fast. I was seriously depressed when she was gone. Something was instantly missing - nobody to walk me to work and back, nobody to go buy tuna with me. And of coursed they asked about it at the shop - hey, where's your cat? My companion was missing and things would never be the same again. It's hard to describe the whole thing in a way that doesn't sound utterly ridiculous. It's just a stupid cat, right? But at that point I had never lost any loved ones before and the cat's death was pretty hard to ignore. We've spent considerable amounts of time with each other every day and all of that had changed from one cruel moment to another. Life-changing. The realisation that my pet is gone for good and would never come back.

My grandfather has died this morning.
I'm not sure how I feel. I mean, I know what to feel, but the whole thing just seems entirely unreal. We had the stereotypical grandfather-grandson-relationship. You know, me not calling him enough, because it's always so awkward. Him not calling me enough, because he doesn't want to bother me. And on those rare occasions when we do talk, it's about traffic, the weather... I remember sitting in his lap when I was six years old, not a care in the world. Now I'm in my thirties, he doesn't really know me anymore, so what is there to say? Of course it's a bit awkward when we try and communicate. Scary and depressing, too. He'd always talk about close friends and relatives, who were his age and suddenly just died. I don't think I could put myself in his potition if I tried. Like I said, nobody really close to me had ever died, aside from my cat. There's no way I could imagine what it's like when most of the people you've known and loved are dead, you kinda know you're gonna be next and you're afraid to call your younger, remaining family, because you don't want to be a burden. Sounds like a pretty shit way to spend your final days to me.

Funny how all the useful things you could say always come to mind when it's too late, isn't it? I'm grateful for all the time I got to spend with him as a kid, for every thrown frisbee, for every holiday I got to spend with him in the country. I'll always remember the happy days I had with him and I believe that, thanks to him, my life has been better. I'm not sure if he died knowing all that. He knew all about the weather in Nottingham and about the busy traffic over here, though. Man...

I don't know what's gonna happen next. Well yeah, a funeral, but that's not what I mean. I had friends who told me they didn't feel anything, when their loved ones died. Well, they all seemed to feel guilt for not feeling anything, for not crying. And they all said it happened much, much later, after the funeral, after the loss finally became real. When they finally understood that the dearly departed was gone for good and wouldn't come back. I really don't know what I feel. There's too much on my mind right now to feel anything.
Like the funeral. I don't believe in god, heaven, a soul or anything of that sort. I told Claire to take me to an animal preparator when I die and put me up in the front yard in a scary pose. I don't give a fuck about what happens to me when I'm dead. Burn me, feed me to the lizards, donate me to science, I'll be dead, I won't care.

Thing is, just because I don't give a shit about my own funeral or funerals in general, I can't really expect anyone to understand my attitude towards the whole thing. It'll seem disrespectful. On the other hand, I live in a different country now, I cannot afford a flight there and back and frankly, nobody even bothered to fucking tell me. Except for my brother, who first contacted me yesterday, after my granddad had already been in hospital for nearly two weeks. I don't know what I'll do. Never been in a situation like this before. I need to think.

-Cat