Dear Clairebear

Our 4th anniversary is coming up - and what a crazy four years it has been!
I'm not a religious person. I don't waste time wondering about the meaning of life, heaven, hell or any of that crap, but if there is a god, then that guy has one messed up sense of humor and they're watching us up in heaven. Just for laughs. There's a reason I like to refer to our relationship as an RL white trash sitcom.

The first time we've ever met, you resembled the grim reaper - robe, scythe, everything. Oddly enough, you also had a golden halo and you were smoking a massive cigar. And I still remember the second time we ran into each other. Not because you were a blue dragon wearing a Star Trek uniform, but because I had a picture of your tits in my mailbox. Internet dating is awesome!

To be fair, neither one of us were really "looking" and we didn't exactly use SecondLife hoping to hook up with somebody. It really just started with me hitting on your mother, until she dragged you in front of the computer to get you to talk to me.
I think the real drama began when we decided to meet for real. The ride from Birmingham airport back to your place was fantastic. You were squeezed against the door on your side of the car to stay as far away from me as possible, eyes focused on the road, your window and all kinds of things, which weren't anywhere near my direction.

I have met your parents and your sister that day and they all talked to me, but to this day, I have no fucking clue what they were saying. My friends I used to chat with on Skype were Americans, most of the movies and tv shows I used to watch were American and Nottingham accent still doesn't make a lot of sense to me now. It's not just the way you guys pronounce things - it's how everything you say means something entirely different! People around here don't say hello - they ask if you're alright. And they don't give a fuck about it, so you get weird looks if you respond anything other than "yeah, you?".   Ey up, me ducks? Seriously? What the hell does that even mean? Sure, it's another weird way of saying hello, but why ducks of all things?

Things gradually started to improve when we were on our own again and sat down at the market square in town. Lovely place, lots of interesting stuff going on, nice, sunny day... and most importantly, we were about to make out. And that's when a pigeon took a massive shit on us. The very second, that one special moment where our relationship had changed from a weird internet flirt to something real, we got crapped on. How magical!

Interestingly enough, every major step in our relationship has been underlined by shit in one way or another. Remember when we got engaged and you decided to move in with me? Here's what they said at the office: "Congratulations, here's a card and 20 Euros. Now clean up your desk, because you're fired."
Of course they knew about our plans, they knew you were preparing to move to Germany and they didn't say anything until the day your flight was booked and you were ready to go. Little did I know that they would also cheat me out of my last salary without saying a word, so when you finally got settled in, it turned out we couldn't pay the rent or buy any food or water. Good times!

Luckily, I started earning enough dough by writing about video games. An insane twist of fate, but who am I to judge life? So we decided to pack our stuff and start a new life back in England, leaving behind a haunted fridge, my beloved cat and all my awesome stuff I couldn't afford to take with me, only to find most of it stolen or smashed to pieces by random idiots when we put it all outside. And we didn't just move like normal people, either - we went on our way to a flat, which we had never seen before. Sure, we had 3 or 4 pictures your parents had emailed to us, along with their description of the place, but realistically speaking, we were on our way to a place we might have hated, with only the bare essentials in our bags.

And look at us now! We're still in the same old house, we've made the place our home, most of our missing stuff has been replaced and we're sharing the place with more pets than I can count. Reptiles, cats, a legion of spiders, there's even an Axolotl tank on the way and we might get something really huge after ditching the old tv. Our landlady is gonna love this when she finds out!

You have your odd quirks, sure. One faithful day at the park I had to find out that you don't just talk, eat, burp, scratch and swear like a guy - you also pee like one. You talk to things. Things! You're the only person I know, who tells the radio to go away, who shouts "Bye, pee!" after flushing the toilet and who tells me to put the water somewhere nice, because it keeps us alive. You pick your fucking toenails. And my nose. You throw cats at me.

But you also play video games, eat pizza and watch horror movies with me. In fact, that's your definition of a perfect day. You put up with me and my jokes, my mood swings, my job and the fact I like to work at 2am in the morning. You tell people to wait outside when you bring guests, so I can put some pants on. More importantly, you always get rid of them after a few hours so I can take them back off! You like worgen porn. You like my cooking. And Spongebob. And boobs. And cheese-stuffed pizza crust. And bacon. You fall asleep on the couch at night when I'm working and kick me out of bed in the mornings because you can't stand to be alone. We're calling each other names and whenever we get in a fight, it's always, without fail, every single time about World of Warcraft.

I love you. We say that every day. In four wonderful years, there hasn't been a single time, not one day where we forgot to tell each other. And it doesn't get stale. It's not as meaningful as it was the first time we said it. It gets bigger and better every time.

And now we're planning our wedding. Telling by all the crap that always, inevitably happens whenever we decide to take things to the next level, I'm positive that our house will burn down, video games will be legally banned in all of Europe or I'll get abducted by cows, who want me to spend the rest of my life as one of their own. But we'll make it through. We always do. And that's all that really matters. We don't know whether Pandaria will revive WoW or suck massive amounts of ass. We have no fucking clue how much further the Euro will plummet. We cannot tell whether *any* character will *ever* find true, lasting happiness on Coronation Street. But one thing is certain: You'll always be there for me. And I'll always be there for you. Cheesy, cheesy.

All my love,
Wolf