Getting Hitler & Death To Make a Baby

Bring Hitler to your island and suddenly there's a death problem. Weird.

Tomodachi Life lets you mess around with the virtual lives of your friends, families and favourite celebrities and fictional characters. Which is boring, so I did the only reasonable thing by putting Hitler in there. Yeah... we may have to skip this game when Claire shows the 3DS to her Nana this Christmas.

I may have been a little too accurate recreating the angry little shitsack inside the game, so we had to nerf him a bit by putting a pink bunny hat on him and stuffing him inside a giant hamster cage.

Who's a good little Hitler? Does Hitler want to play? 

To make things a little less creepy we've also put some actual friends in there, such as our good friend Haggy. He plays a sick Ukulele.

I don't know if he also plays any real instruments. But look! There he is now!

He's still playing the theme from Halloween outside assorted ladies' bedroom windows every night.

And five minutes later, this is what happened:

Abort! Delete! UNINSTALL!

Since Tomodachi Life is 90 percent soap opera, a huge part of it is really a dating simulator. Claire has put our Miis in there, who were set up with one another by Twilight Princess' Midna. And only 38,433 dates later, they totally hit it off, despite their low compatibility rating of 7 percent! Or as we're hoping to proclaim in our wedding vows one day, "Eh, close enough."

I didn't take off the penguin suit all night, ifyouknowwhatimsayin

Ironically enough, Midna ended up all heartbroken when she finally realized that her aching loins were screaming my name all along. No matter what we tried, she simply wouldn't stop feeling moist for me, so we deported her to some random 3rd world country. She still sends creepy pictures every once in a while.

We've removed the bottom half of the pic. She's completely naked down there. It's not pretty.

Meanwhile, Haggy and Hitler were getting dangerously close. Sure, they make a cute couple and everything, but the whole thing still seemed a bit wrong, so we added Death to the show. Did you know the Grim Reaper is really female? It's so hard to tell when somebody is a skeleton, but Death spends most of her day painting her nai... um... finger and toe bones, knitting disgusting sweaters and singing to herself in the bath tub. I think Death might be too nice for Hitler. Whoa.

Eventually we decided to distract Hitler with random toys like a metal detector, which lead to some bizarre moments. Here's a picture of our Miis enjoying a midnight walk on the beach, while Hitler is furiously digging in the sand after his metal detector found something:

Wo ist mein hidden Nazi Gold??

Besides, it looks like there is somebody much better suited to hook up with good old Death.

I don't think this is what Nintendo had in mind when they came up with this game. To be fair, the game is pretty bizarre even when you don't turn it into a boning simulator with Death and Hitler. I'm well over a year late to the party, but just in case you missed it...