Expendables, Expanding

The following entry contains thpoilerth.
The third Expendables movie just came out over here and it's a steaming pile of poorly-written horseshit, which makes absolutely zero sense whatsoever. I liked it. It's completely predictable, it's full of massively overused clichés and it really doesn't make any sense. In the first five minutes of the film they blow up an enemy base by driving a train right into it. You see the bad guy just standing there, calmly, waiting for them to come, then his eyes widen as the train crashes through the gate and shit just explodes everywhere. Okay, so, who puts their base right in the middle of a bunch of train tracks? Didn't they see the train coming? Couldn't they have opened the place up and let the train go through or something? Why was the villain just standing there, waiting for the inevitable? Maybe there is some logical explanation here, which I'll understand when watching this the second time around, but all I remember right now is some place in the middle of a railroad track getting blown up - by a train. In another section of the movie they're fighting the entire army of some made up middle eastern country. For some inexplicable reason, their military has a special motorcycle unit, which consists of exactly two men, so one of the main character can show off his special motorcycle-related abilities. They also have tanks, which are so big, you can put Dolph Lundgren in them.

There's also this completely unnecessary scene where Stallone leaves behind all the old people from the movie poster and replaces them with a bunch of younger characters absolutely no one gives a shit about. And to the surprise of absolutely no one, the young team fails, so the old guys have to jump in to save the day. They could have just let them die and no one would give a fuck, because there is no character development, we don't know these younger guys and they're about as interesting as that kid with the sniper rifle in the previous movie. Who died. And nobody cared.

And the clichés, holy fuck! Bombs with a visible countdown timer on them? Check! Timer stopping at exactly 3 seconds? Check! Guy just magically "hacking" security, bombs and shit, just because "he's that good"? Check! And of course this doesn't impress the younger characters at all, because "well duh", while the whole thing looks like magic to the veterans? Checkity-check! Movie's main villain has the opportunity to kill off the main character multiple times, but prefers to do some stupid shit like give a speech or torture one of the hero's friends? Fucking check! Villain looks at painting of Cain and Abel and ten minutes later he tells the hero 'we were like brothers', because symbolism is haaard? Check! Main villain has a gun, faces the unarmed hero and decides to "settle it like men", only to die 30 seconds later? Cheeeeck! "Oh no, the hero is dead and everyone is all sad and depressed and oheywaitaminute is that the hero and he's okay? Yaaaay!" - Check. Sigh.

That film is pretty awful and I liked it. I liked the Star Wars reference. I like the illusion that you can still kick some ass when you're an ancient fucker, because it makes growing old a little less terrifying. I still have all my teeth and I haven't spotted a single grey hair on my body, but damn am I gonna freak out when that shit finally kicks in. So it's nice to have a movie that says, "Hey, those 70 year olds are still pretty fit, so don't worry. You still have a few good years ahead of ya." It's all bullshit and sometimes that's exactly what we need.

Speaking of things I need - I might be a tiny step closer to striking two more things off my bucket list. Nothing is set in stone, it may not be possible at all or I might not be good enough, but there miiiight be a Berserkerkitten comic in the future and I might, perhaps, possibly get a chance at voice acting.

Without wanting to break any conscience, I think it's okay to say that when you help write a magazine, you will have to sit and talk about new ideas and content to put into said magazine. And among the suggestions and ideas I handed in to our senior editor was a Berserkerkitten comic, inspired by the illustration drawn by the incredible Marvin Clifford when I first got my own column - you can also see the image of the caped cat in this very blog. Basically, the idea is that I do the writing, come up with characters and stories and Marvin, if he's interested and available, would work his magic and bring each strip to life.

Right now, all I know is that our senior editor really liked the idea. I really don't know whether or not the whole thing is really going to happen, but damn, I'd fucking love it. The guy is an absolute genius and I genuinely love his art. And I won't lie to you - I'll be fucking nervous if we're gonna end up working together. Thrilled, but really, seriously nervous.

The voice acting thing came up during a Skype call from work. "Hey, you should lend your voice to a Bond-villain or something", because apparently, there's something calm and evil about it. I get strange comments like that about my voice when friends and coworkers talk to me on the phone for the first time or when I get invited to podcasts. People also tell me I have a sexy accent when I speak English... ahem.
Long story short, of course that remark on Skype wasn't dead-serious, but it's actually something I've always wanted to do. You know, voice acting, maybe for a cartoon or a video game. And maybe, juuuust maaaaybe I may get a shot at it sometime. Some of the good folks who produce videos and other fine quality content for our website have lent their voices to characters in games before and they might know someone and... you get the idea. It might be nothing, I may not be be talented enough, but I said the same thing the first time I was asked to write reviews and columns for money, so... who knows? Fast forward another decade and maybe I'll be voice-acting the main character in Berserkerkitten - The Videogame. Har!

-Cat