With its ongoing controversies and fuck-ups, Fallout 76 has been getting bashed and (rightfully) made fun of for so long, I'm rather bored of the whole thing, to be honest. There's only one thing I'd like to bitch about real quick, because it absolutely baffles me how everyone else seems so okay with it - it's technically Fallout 4. With a different map, without a story or NPCs, with tacked-on multiplayer, but can we all agree it's Fallout fucking 4? It uses the exact same assets! Every creature, weapon, junk item, every model and texture, is being re-used from Fallout 4, save for a handful of "new" things like scorchbeasts. Which Fallout 76's code just so happens to refer to as dragons. Is this an acceptable thing now? Is it okay to sell what's basically a garbage, broken mod for an existing game, slap a AAA price tag on it and pretend it's a whole new game?
I mean, even annual games like CoD or Fifa don't do this so brazenly or am I going completely insane now? I get upgraded weapon and player models from one CoD to another, animations get overhauled and so forth - there's plenty to criticize about annual sequels and the publishers releasing them, but at least they're trying to make you feel like you're getting an upgraded, enhanced experience each time. With F76 it's all, hey, it's as glitchy as every Bethesda game, it's pointless, nobody asked for it, the engine is very (out?)dated, but I feel the problem begins at a much more basic level - it feels like an early access version of a mod made by three or four very inexperienced randos.
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| You can get a better experience for free. |
This isn't automatically a bad thing. I mean, you can get a glitchy, far from perfect but still rather enjoyable experience with the fan-made Morrowind multiplayer project. It's a bit awkward, it'll break on occasion, but you can forgive it, because it was made by fans, there's no massive budget behind it and it costs you nothing. Then there's F76, made by one of the biggest, most renowned studios out there, which comes with all the preorders and special collector's editions - and it's shit. It's unfinished, half-assed, lazy, recycled, clueless, pointless, utter boring shit.
Funny side note - I've been voicing my opinion on F76 for some time now and Bethesda literally took me off their Christmas card list. I've received some nice Fallout-themed cards from them in the past, signatures and everything, but nothing this time. Probably just a coincidence, maybe they stopped the whole Christmas cards thing in general, I dunno. It's just funny.
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| This fucking thing. |
2018 was the year of shitty Battle Royale games. Everyone made fun of the new CoD, then immediately claimed it was the best CoD yet, because it's aping Fortnite. Radical Heights came and went, DayZ has done a thing, but there was nobody left to even still care about it. I'm not even gonna make fun of the lack of creativity here, because I steal all of my jokes, too. But the industry can't even figure out why Fortnite is so fucking popular. It's not because hurrdurr Battle Royale. It's because it costs nothing and runs on everything. The game is fucking free, it runs on every device, ever, it's bright and candy-coloured and the only thing you can spend money on is shit like skins and dances. No lootboxes, no collector's edition, no bullshit. You can hate on the stupid game and its annoying, pre-teen community all you want, but OF COURSE they're gonna fucking play the one game that costs them nothing, OF COURSE they're gonna play the one thing all of their friends are already playing and OF COURSE they're not gonna try your weird new battle royale thing, because you want a piece of the cake. They have their battle royale game now. You can stop making them. Please. Just stop adding a fucking battle royale mode to absolutely everything.
There was the new Soul Calibur, which released with a roster, that has been shrunk down by nearly 50% compared to its predecessor, turned one of the series' regular characters into preorder DLC and added more DLC characters, which at the time of their announcement were simply referred to as Bonus Characters 1, 2 and 3. A game, which has been released with a bit of guilt trip on the side, basically saying it'll be the last Soul Calibur title if people don't buy it. Now that's what I call marketing! I have purchased and played every game of the series, including the original PSX one and the shitty PSP port, but this is where I draw the line. Capcom pulled this shit with Street Fighter V and I'm sick to death of paying 60 Quid for fighting games, which used to come with 40+ characters, only to get the most basic roster and have every additional stage, character and costume locked behind fucking paywalls and season passes.
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| Earning ingame currency now requires you to activate virtual advertising. |
I'm sure 2018 also saw some good things happening in PC gaming. Forza Horizon 4, for one. A game, which, if you want all the DLC, extras and every bit of content instead of just a stripped-down basic version, will cost me a whopping 80 Pounds or 100 Dollars for you yanks out there. Don't get me wrong, the game looks absolutely fantastic, it's without a doubt one of the best out there, but this is nearly twice as much as other AAA games in a time, where people insist that the price of games has remained the same for more than a decade. Bullshit.
My personal high point in PC gaming was the Fortuna update for Warframe. This game costs absolutely nothing, it has one of the friendliest, most welcoming communities and I still release the occasional little guide video here and there when people specifically ask for it. I'm not a relevant YouTuber by any means and I honestly can't be fucked to create any meaningful content about this (or any) game, but the feedback I get for my Warframe stuff is almost always positive, friendly or, at the very least, productive and helpful. Apparently some of my employers are still considering some sort of Warframe guidebook, so I'm crossing all fingers and toes to get in on that one. Warframe still gets criminally low coverage in German media and the game desperately needs someone to tell potential newcomers how it's all done. I'd give my right nut for a chance to head to Canada and meet with the folks at DE someday.
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| Excalibros 4 life! |
Christmas with Claire's family is always awkward. We all meet at her aunt's house. It's the definition of awkward. Take your shoes off. Use a coaster. Does anyone want a peanut? There's always something on the giant TV, but the sound is off for some reason. The living room is bigger than my entire house, so you can only have a conversation with whichever family member sits right next to you. Don't stare at the cat! You're not supposed to stare at cats, it terrifies them! I know, I've had cats for 25 years, why are you telling me this? I didn't stare at the fucking cat. Okay, I'm now getting a speech about why I'm not supposed to stare at the cat. Now, since it's entirely possible that somebody will rat me out to her aunt - I'm not trying to make fun or anything. But it's always awkward. Christmas is awkward. I'm awkward. Everyone is always a bit uncomfortable. Which is normal when you put three generations of family in one comically oversized room, it's fine, there's nothing wrong with it. You sit there, respond when spoken to, try not to make too much of an ass of yourself.
I brought my Switch. Claire and I played Ark. We spotted and tamed a giant flying dino, which is so large, you can actually build stuff on top of it. We brought it home and everything. Just like that. On the go. At a family Christmas thing. Claire's aunt taught us all sorts of stuff about the game while we were on there. Turns out she has sunk over 6,000 hours into the Steam version of Ark. Suddenly we had something to talk about. Also, did I mention we were playing some fucking Ark on the go and tamed dinos? This wasn't just Tetris or some shit. Not that there's anything wrong with Tetris, of course. But we had a multiplayer session on one of the most complex survival games out there. On the go. I can't fucking process this!
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| Multiplayer flight got. |
My absolute favourite couchgaming multiplayer game on there isn't Smash, though. It's Ultimate Chicken Horse. I love the idea behind it. Create a stage together, place a bunch of platforms, obstacles and traps. Make it so difficult, that only you, not your friends, can complete it. Then you race one another to see who reaches the goal first - if anyone. It's usually the most fun when everyone sucks too hard to even make it to the finish line. Like in this run, where Claire gets shot mere inches away from the goal, I misjudge a jump and suicide right off and Claire's sister, the chicken, spends an eternity panic-jumping around a patch of ice:
There's even a post-mortem bonus for when your corpse gets knocked over the finish line, while your fellow players get crossbowed in the face and/or sucked into gaping black holes:
And yes, it's one of those 'you had to be there' kind of things, there was just the right amount of alcohol involved, and I know it's also out on Steam and on every platform ever, but it's only portable on Switch, I can take it anywhere I want, play it anytime I want, then immediately switch (ha!) to something like Smash or the utterly brilliant Horizon Chase Turbo, which also comes with a fun 4 player splitscreen mode. The list of fun multiplayer games goes on, of course, and it's just a bit more convenient to bring them along with just a Switch and a pair of extra joy cons, than, say, packing a laptop or a PS4 and a bunch of extra controllers.
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| It's no Mario Kart, but ... oh yeah, that's on Switch, too! |
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| It was a milestone RPG in its day. |
I'm currently re-playing Phantasy Star IV on Switch, which is part of the Sega Classics collection, which comes with some 50+ Megadrive/Genesis games, quicksaves, as well as a fast-forward/rewind feature. Sure, it's a glorified emulator for 30 Quid, but seeing as most of you cunts paid more than three times that for shit like the (S)NES Classic Mini, I don't see how any of you are in any position to judge me.
Phantasy Star IV still holds up remarkably well in this day and age. To me, it was always a step ahead of 8/16bit Final Fantasy. Not that there's anything wrong with FF, of course, but I always felt that stuff like Final Fantasy VI was a bit overrated, especially through today's rose-tinted nostalgia goggles. Blasphemy, I know!
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| The 'anime' of my childhood. |
It's just the right mix of Fantasy and Sci-Fi, with the occasional cheesy anime trope, goofy music and as much cleavage as you could safely get away with in the 90s. And I adore the art style until this day.
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| It's okay if you prefer Final Fantasy on the SNES. You're wrong, but I forgive you. |
Sega have already announced that they're working on bringing back a whole bunch of other classics with the AGES line, including titles from the Saturn and Dreamcast era. I can't wait to play a prettified Panzer Dragoon! I'm really pleasantly surprised by Sega's attitude change. I remember when the good folks at Shining Force Central got in touch with Sega, sending them cakes, cards and tons of other presents, begging them to bring back classic Shining Force, and Sega's reaction was to completely fly off the handle and act all pissy and insulted. I have no doubt that this was merely a mix of miscommunication and cultural differences, but compare that to the Sega of today, which hired some of their most talented fans to create the incredible Sonic Mania and became shockingly funny and self-aware in Sonic Boom, which is way more entertaining than it has any right to be.
And, while nobody pays any attention to Sonic Forces, because it's one of those 3D Sonic games we're supposed to hate, it's another one of those surprisingly playable, good-looking Switch ports, which are totally worth the 17 or so Quid they wanted for it over Christmas. Or, to put it in Claire's words, "I hate how much I like this."
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| Fap the Wolf is now on Switch. I still skip those terrible, terrible cutscenes. |
Speaking of Sega nostalgia, how the fuck aren't more people losing their shit over how ridiculously awesome Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom turned out to be? I wasn't super sure about it at first, because the monster transformations are all a bit different compared to Wonder Boy 3, much of the music is so heavily remixed that you barely recognize the original tune behind it, but once you get used to that, you get what's easily the best Wonder Boy game out there and easily one of the best games of 2018. Also, it's got Banjo Guy Ollie! If there's one small gripe I have with this game, it's the incredibly dumb difficulty spike inside the volcano, which is ten times as demanding as every area that came before it. It's certainly no problem to anyone with sufficient platforming skills, but I'll admit it frustrated the shit out of me.
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| On the other hand, you get to play as a snake. Which doesn't suck, surprisingly! |
Another game, which really surprised me on Switch in late 2018, was V-Rally 4. Sure, reception was rather lukewarm, its physics are a bit silly, the series is hardly relevant these days, but I'm surprised at how close it is to the 'big' versions. Some of the more visually demanding stages had a ton of trees removed, lighting is very flat and shadows have been scaled back a ton, but you still get your immersive dashboard camera if you want it, you have all the cars and tracks and, even with the annoying DLC added on top, you'll pay "only" 50 Quid for it, not 80.
I'm not a massive fan of some of the game's more idiotic mechanics (you have to hire a crew and pay them a salary, which eats up most of your prize money early on), but if you're looking for a racing game, which is a little more serious than Mario Kart or Horizon Chase Turbo, then this may be worth checking out. If nothing else, it's not a garbage mobile port like the stupidly overprized Gear Club Unlimited (2). Seriously, Nintendo, start checking on some of the shit you allow on the eShop!
Of course my absolute favourite game on there, to the surprise of absolutely no one familiar with this blog, is still Ark: Survival Evolved. Yes, I know. Eleventy billion YouTube videos popped up the second it came out, "worst game on the system", "how is this legal", "stop selling this", blah fucking blah, cheap and easy clicks. I love how these same cunts moan when games journalists don't spend enough time playing or getting good at what they're reviewing, yet at the same time they fart out lazy videos about the shit graphics, without actually spending more than five minutes to see what the game is all about.
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| Fuck you and your stupid opinion. My bronto wears a hat! |
I could spend an eternity writing about how Claire tried to tame a suicidal unicorn, which ran face-first into every T-Rex and off every cliff in its vicinity. About our hunt for the cake recipe, so we can finally start taming snails. About Bernie and Ert and Salt and Vinegar, the new pack of allosaurs, which turned our camp into earthquake territory. Or I can just illustrate the sheer randomness that is Ark with this little video:
In closing, if you happen to be Claire's sister, buy a fucking Switch already. Christmas happened. You've got money. What are you gonna do with it, pay rent? Upgrade your ancient PC? What for? You show up on Steam every other month. WoW is gonna run like ass, no matter what hardware you get. All your favourite games are on Switch - and then some. Go on. Get it. You know you want to. You're the only one who hasn't got one. The four of us could be on Ark right this very moment. Instead, you're wasting time reading my stupid blog. What the fuck are you doing with your life? You're not playing Switch, that's what. Get a Switch. And Katamari. Katamari is good for the soul.
