A complete noob's thoughts on Royal Pythons

Here's an image of our latest family member:

I'd like to name her Choky because of how pythons kill their prey, but since she's replacing Claire's late garter snake, she gets the final say in the naming thing. I just hope she won't come up with something overly girly.

I have never really cared for snakes much. They don't put me off or even scare me in any way. I just don't find them very interesting. For starters, they're deaf, so they don't exactly care whether or not you give them a name, let alone respond in any way when you call it. And I can't help but feel that evolution has somehow ignored them. No arms, no legs, all they do is crawl around all day. If anything. For as much as I'd hate to offend any potential snakes or snake lovers, who might be following my blog, I have always considered them boring and primitive.

That said, I find our new pet surprisingly fascinating. Not only is she incredibly fun to look at, but having this creature, which is basically just a long, powerful muscle covered in slick scales crawling up and down my arm is unlike anything I'd experience with a cat or a dog. She just glides around in one soft, uninterrupted motion. Very much unlike anything you'd imagine if you've never seen a real snake before. She's also an incredibly talented climber. The second we put her in the vivarium she was already on her way to the very top, then safely slid down again whilst wrapping her tail around a plant. Not the pathetic, under-developed excuse for primitive life I had imagined.

I took her out during work today, she sat on me and shaped into a pretzel of sorts and eyed me curiously, followed by an occasional flick of the tongue. I don't think she's ever gonna fetch a stick and the quiet and peaceful staring contest aside, I doubt there will be an awful lot of interaction. Ever. Which is a welcome change of pace, considering I'm constantly surrounded by hyperactive cats. What really fascinates me here is how this exotic animal, a wild reptile which would creep out a fair amount of people, just sits there, looks at me and puts up with it. No hiding, no trying to get away, no hissing or biting. To be fair, royal pythons aren't exactly known to be aggressive and they're as noob-friendly as it gets with reptiles, but that doesn't make the whole situation any less alien or surreal. The snake sits, stares, flicks the tongue, that's it. Perfectly quiet and calm.

One thing that has always bothered me about that whole reptile business is how emotionally detached many reptile owners, as well as treatment guides and books are. When you look up websites about the proper handling and care of reptiles, many of them look and feel like a manual for a vacuum cleaner. You get the cold, hard facts, zero enthusiasm and there's usually something among the lines of: "Reptiles don't care about you. They aren't dogs. They tolerate you at best. You probably shouldn't get one."
Okay, this is a slight exaggeration, but it's pretty close to the actual message. It seems perfectly normal for many people to consider them a status symbol of sorts, a piece of furniture you get to show off and brag about (and feed every once in a while). I see people returning reptiles at Claire's shop all the time, with all kinds of excuses. Too dangerous with the new baby, landlord doesn't like reptiles, they no longer have the time or the money or they simply want to trade in their old reptile for something bigger and cooler. I have yet to see one of them, who is actually, genuinely sad about having to part ways with their scaly friend.

Now, before you freak out at me, because you do in fact care about your animals, I'm not calling you a liar. I'm just saying that, from what I have seen, you're a pretty rare breed. I don't think it's fair to keep any kind of animal just for its looks or awesomeness, only to replace it when the next popular thing comes up or the excitement has simply worn off. And it's those 'vacuum cleaner manual'-style guides, which promote that kind of treatment in the first place. I've lost count of how many times I had to read stuff among the lines of: "Your reptile appreciates you as a food source and may or may not tolerate being handled. It will never like being handled, nor will it feel or show affection in any way."
Lots of people seem to consider this bit of information to be their invitation to treat their reptiles like hungry furniture and to replace or remove them the moment they lose interest. After all, the reptile doesn't care, so there's no need to feel guilty, right? Sigh!

I'm not gonna try to prove how reptiles may or may not feel affection towards their owners. How the hell would I even do that? Let's face it: Our python will never fetch my slippers, our bearded dragon doesn't bark and wag her tail when I come home and I have yet to hear of purring reptiles. That said, in the unlikely event that reptiles do feel affection in any way, they have very few possibilities to show them. Put two beardies in the same tank and they'll show their appreciation by not fucking killing each other! They might eventually sit around on one another, which is probably for the sake of keeping warm rather than anything lovey-dovey. That's it. Reptiles don't cuddle, they don't kiss or rub their noses against each other (parasites actually may make them do so, but that doesn't really count).

That said, our bearded dragon will quite happily leap out of her tank and climb up onto my shoulder. And she's perfectly happy falling asleep right on top of me when I watch tv. She'd do no such thing with Claire. Maybe that's all just a coincidence, maybe there's something about my voice or the way I smell that she likes or maybe there's something she dislikes about Claire, but she does seem to recognize us and she does seem to be able to tell us apart. Simply put, that lizard seems to like me in some way. Once again, this could be based on a million things and is by no means solid proof of any actual affection, but I don't want to completely rule out the possibility. Of course our beardie will never snuggle up against me for anything other than warmth, it will never do any actuall rubbing, licking* or anything of the sort, but that's simply because lizard generally don't do that. Ever. Not to each other and sure as hell not to their owners. Does that mean they don't feel anything, simply because the obvious telltale signs aren't part of their language?
*not like cats or dogs do, anyway

If nothing else, reptiles may develop unique traits and quirks and something you might call a personality. In her more active days, our garter snake would dart around her tank like crazy whenever I started cooking dinner and she'd quite happily wrap her teeth around a small chunk of roast beef. The snake clearly knew I was preparing food, insisted in having her share and if nothing else, it was a sign of intelligence.

Reptiles aren't as common or 'well-explored' a pet as cats and dogs are. They're called 'exotics' for a reason. There is still much we don't know about them. I'm not sure it's fair to simply assume they can't feel affection in any way, just because they lack the ability to show any obvious signs for it. Following various reptile forums and fan sites, this seems to be an ongoing discussion and I don't want to be on either side of the argument. I'm just saying one shouldn't flat-out rule out the possibility that they do in fact feel something, to whatever extent. If nothing else, our new python might at some point appreciate me in a way she would appreciate her favourite climbing-stick in the vivarium. Funny thought. Maybe she's just the eating, crapping, shedding flesh automaton lots of people perceive her to be.

My point is: Until some smart people come up with a method of proving once and for all that reptiles feel absolutely nothing, no attachment or affection whatsoever, maybe you shouldn't buy, sell, trade and return them as though they were inanimate objects, who simply look cool and don't give a crap about changing owners like some of you change your underwear.

-Cat

Life-long vacation

As a German in England, I just can't win. On the one side, there are my German friends, who make fun of England at every opportunity, treat me like I was born on this island or at least as though I had at some point decided that Germany sucks and that I want to relocate, because England is so much better. Nothing could be further from the truth: I've been living here for nearly three years now, which most certainly doesn't make me a proper Brit. And I don't hate Germany - why would I? But as a self-employed writer, I simply find life a lot easier around here. You see, in Germany I am forced to pay obscene amounts of money for my health insurance. The state doesn't care whether or not I have that kind of money or whether I actually need health insurance. Everybody has to pay. It's the law. And the support you receive over there for starting your own business is practically non-existent: As an absolute newcomer to my trade, I didn't make a lot of money and therefore didn't have to pay any income tax. That's as good as it gets.

Then there's England. No monthly insurance fees. Yay! And since I'm not a world-famous, hugely successful follower of my profession (yet), not only does my low monthly income free me from taxes - they actually pay me! Some smart people have calculated that, whatever amount of money I make with my job, can't possibly be enough to pay all my bills, so they're sending me 84 Pounds. Every. Single. Week. I only just got here, I have never done anything for the state that supports me, I'm a complete stranger, but they're giving me their money. Sweeeeeeet~!

Then there is my family. Several months before I left the country, I had taken the time to email each and everyone of them, explaining exactly how, when and why I would relocate to England. Nobody wrote back, nobody called and most of all, nobody asked whether I needed any help or came by to actually say goodbye. Okay, my old man showed up for ten minutes and picked up my poor cat, who was doomed to go to the vet, who would "find her a new owner". I'm not sure this is actually true, but I sincerely hope so. Turned out absolutely *no one* in my family would have agreed to look after her during the six months grace period before she would have got her pet passport to join us in England. Ironically, I have several family members, who love cats and actually keep some of their own. I would have paid for the food and everything, but hey, taking care of my feline friend would have meant doing me a favour, so no can do.
Of course, having nobody to help me also meant having no place to stay after all of our stuff had been picked up for its journey to the UK by the transport company. That was one fun night on the cold, hard floor of my empty apartment!

Yes, they're that kind of family. My brother got married last week. Wanna know how I found out? Facebook. Aunts, uncles, cousins, everybody was invited, everybody knew. Nobody fucking told me. Well... to cut a long story short, let's just say nobody misses me, which made leaving my home country that much easier.

The really funny bit is how, even though I took the time to explain exactly why I was moving, the official story about my whereabouts is a lot more colourful than reality. I received a letter from a lawyer about six months after I had gone, telling me that, according to my mother, I had practically disappeared without saying a word, apparently wanting to leave everybody behind and now I'm sponging off of my rich girlfriend. Of course nobody had any idea where the hell that was coming from when I contacted them about it.

So let's just say I'm more or less dead to my family. And to my friends, I'm officially a Brit. I'm pretty sure they picture me with a monocle and a top hat. That is kinda cool, actually. And maybe a bit weird, considering I'm mostly using American expressions in my blog and all that, but what the hey.

But while people back in Germany consider me a Brit, people over here treat me like a German. When it comes to lame jokes and clichés, I get the best of both worlds! Your food sucks! Your teeth are ugly! Your beer is warm and stale! Don't mention the war! Who won the bloody war, anyway? What's 'Sieg Heil!' mean, exactly? Fun times.

I like it. No really, I do. If nothing else, it makes me stand out a little and the jokes are all in good spirits, silly as they may be.

The strange thing is how, even after three years, the whole thing is taking so long to settle in. I had to move well over a dozen times in my life and getting used to a new house, new school, new surroundings never took very long. But now that I'm in England, well... every day I wake up and look at my new home, take a look out the window, every time Claire and I go to town, every time I discover some strange English tv show, it all feels new, strange, different - like I'm on vacation.

It's difficult to explain. You'd think that, after seeing the same apartm... sorry, flat for several years, the same neighbourhood, same landscape, same tv channels over and over again, I'd develop a certain sense of routine. But it doesn't stop feeling new and different. Maybe it isn't the new surroundings as much as the whole new lifestyle. A little while back I was doing my fucking tax return! You know, grown up stuff. When I was a kid, I'd observe my parents when they were doing or at least talking about these things and I was in awe, thinking I could never do anything like that at some point. I wonder if they felt as weird as I do when I'm filling out those forms.

We're still burping, scratching and grunting like gorillas. But in between such animalistic endeavors, we're going to the bank, we're making doctor's appointments, talking about babies, wedding celebrations and credit card bills. A few years back the only thing I worried about after work was mixing up the juice bottle and the piss bottle. Sure, I did have a proper office job and everything, but with no partner and not a care in the world, I blew out all my money on robo-raptors, flying airplanes and all the cool stuff I couldn't have when I was a kid.

I still don't really feel like an adult. Hell, I get paid to bitch about stuff and they allow me to say things like ass and vagina! Whee! You should have seen the bank manager when I told him with a straight face that it's my job to play video games! I'm planning to spend the rest of my life with a girl, who considers secretly urinating in my apple juice a practical joke.

But I do have responsibilities now. Laundry, taxes, insurance, toilet seats, contraception, all kinds of stuff I never really cared about. Add that to a whole new country, where life-insurance is sold by talking phones and meerkats and it's probably not a huge surprise it's taking so long to settle in.

Ah well. I'm sure it'll all settle in at some point. In the meanwhile, every single day feels nice, new and exciting. That's not so bad now, is it? :D

-Cat

It's not too hard :P

That was on the first try. Screwed up lots of times, had to use 4 medigels, still made it.

This one is on Silver. We were playing like complete idiots there, it took us a half hour and we still won. With 3 fucking soldiers. There are how many guides, stickies and other crap telling people that you shouldn't bring soldiers to silver difficulty? We had THREE of them.

Eventually, those guys will catch up with their gear and levels and we'll tackle gold.

Yes, Gold is fucking hard. It's not too hard! It's supposed to be tough, it's the highest difficulty setting, for god's sake! People are too used to getting everything shoved up their lazy asses in today's games.

-Cat

Mass Effect 3: Fan rage aside - is a DLC ending actually plausible?

My final posting about this whole thing, unless they actually DO come up with some new ending. But that's not very likely. Or is it?

Note: Don't forget to buy all our future DLC!
Okay, slamming a stupid little popup like that in our faces after presenting us with an ending, which lots of people didn't seem to find overly satisfying, was really adding insult to injury. Makes you wonder, though. The game came with launch DLC, we've had DLC for Dragon Age (2) and the previous ME titles, so why the hell would they remind us of upcoming DLC all over again? And why at this particular part of the game - the very end?

Look at some of DLC for Mass Effect 2, particularly 'Lair of the Shadowbroker' and 'The Arrival'. Both of them were placed *after* the game's main storyline, bridging the gap between ME2 and 3. They can't do such a thing on Mass Effect 3, obviously, since that game ended it all, the whole series is over, right? Unless... well, imagine the current ending doesn't feel a bit strange, a bit fishy, features a few logical errors because the writers suddenly screwed up, but because it was meant to feel wrong in some way. I don't wanna get into that whole Indoctrination Theory business - lots of people certainly refuse to accept the ending, simply because they didn't like it for one reason or another. But what if they're right and Bioware are hinting at upcoming DLC, because the actual ending is yet to come?


"There will be so many different endings, we cannot possibly count them all!"
One reason why quite a few people were so outraged at the ending is announcements such as the above, just a few weeks before the game had been released. And as it stands right now, the only thing that matters for the actual ending sequence is your military strength and which of the 3 possible choices you pick. Your decisions, whether anyone lives or dies, the whole plot up to this point... none of it makes any difference. Doesn't really sound like anything that was promised. Unless we simply haven't seen the real thing, yet.

"We wanted people to talk about how it all ends. I think we have achieved that."
Regardless whether you liked or absolutely hated the ending - if you're reading this blog, then you've followed the debate about it, you're aware of crazy fan movements and theories and charities and all kinds of crazy shit, all of which had been started only because of a video game. This whole thing is bigger than any fan or even EA or Bioware themselves ever could have anticipated. They *wanted* people to scratch their heads and ask, "WTF!?". But why? Just for the sake of PR? Or for getting them all hyped up for when they release ending DLC?

That said, clearly I - like many other fans - am simply grasping straws here. Is it really likely they've been hiding the "true" ending all along?

Some plotholes - so fucking what?
So Joker is escaping with your crew, possibly even folks you were pretty sure have died. The least you can say about that scene is that it's breaking character. It's more realistic to say it doesn't make any fucking sense. Then they happen to crash-land on a lush, green planet, which is conveniently nearby, breathable atmosphere and everything. Hard to believe, right? But getting a giant worm to attack an unbelievably advanced, hyper-intelligent, ancient life form and pretty much one-shotting it in the process is believable, yes? We forgive all sorts of bullshit, when it's presented nicely enough.

And yes, I know, an exploding mass relay is supposed to wipe out whole star systems, so why could Joker even escape in the first place? Well, maybe that's all in the way these relays have been destroyed by the catalyst. He was doing it right. And why did that catalyst look like that kid from earth? Well, why the hell not? Shepard has been haunted by nightmares ever since leaving earth, ever since that kid got blown up. The boy stands for everybody you couldn't save, all the friends and crew mates you've lost along the way. Shepard's fears and weaknesses. It's not the worst image for some hyper advanced being to pick, is it?

I'm not an overly huge fan of the ending. I didn't utterly hate it, either. But all things considered, it's a plausible ending, warts and all. Yes, so the whole "crew leaves ship alive on the Garden of Eden" crap was a bit over the top, but let's look at the outcome of the (supposedly) perfect ending sequence: The reapers are toast, Shepard is presumably alive, most of the crew got away. Yes, the whole fucking galaxy is in ruins, everybody might get eaten by hungry Krogans in the long run, but what the fuck were you expecting? Honestly? The game keeps telling you the whole time that you're most likely gonna fucking die, that the whole mission is doomed to fail, that the whole world is already fucked long before you start the final attack on the Reapers. So all things considered, that whole ending sequence is a lot less bleak than it could have been.

Part 3 is the ending
One thing that particularly pisses me off about the whole debate is how people keep insisting how none of their decisions made any difference in the end, how the game always ends the same, no matter what they did in the trilogy. What a steaming load of horseshit! The end of the trilogy isn't just some stupid 20 seconds CGI before the credit roll. Part 3 is the fucking ending. Everything matters! You can have a fuckton of well-written, meaningful dialogue with Kaidan, who might not even be alive in your game, depending on your decisions in Mass Effect 1. You might unite the Geth and the Quarians or you could wipe out all Quarians and get Tali to kill herself, depending on what you did in the first two games. You can ignore the Krogans and their stupid Genophage and not give a fuck about them or you can cure them and have Mordin sacrifice himself in a heart-wrenching cinematic. How the fuck can you say none of this matters? What the hell is wrong with you people? So fucking WHAT if none of this is somehow reflected in the final minute of the damn game? THIS is why you demand a new ending? Go fuck a landmine!

A "real" ending would probably be a lot sadder
Alright. Let's say, for the sake of the argument, that Shepard was really indoctrinated, the final moments of Mass Effect 3 were nothing but a hallucination and the Reapers just played a little Matrix on you. How happy, satisfied and complete would it make you feel if some future DLC revealed exactly that? And where are we going from there? Shepard being the first one to ever break free from the indoctrination, fighting back the reapers and saving the day? Yeah, right. Or the whole thing picks up where Shepard wakes up in the ruins back on London, the whole "perfect" ending sequence turns out to be nothing but mindfuck, but you broke free from that by destroying the reapers (red explosion). And it turns out Joker and your crew never actually left you behind. In fact, they're all dead. Earth is safe, but fucked. Billions dead. The mass relays are still working, everyone goes back home to rebuild. What's left to rebuild, anyway. Billions are dead, remember? Heck, let's say all your favourite crew members have survived, even Anderson turned out to be okay in the end. Now what? Where are you gonna hang out to talk about the old times and enjoy a beer with each other? The Citadel? Gone. Earth? Not fucking likely. Thessia? Oh wait! Palaven? Whoops...

Once again, the galaxy is well and truly fucked! Would anything change for the better if they didn't destroy the mass relays, if you didn't see Joker mysteriously flying away and if that whole crash-landing sequence didn't exist? It would get rid of some annoying logical flaws, but at the end of the day, things would be just as depressing and anti-Hollywood as ever. Do you seriously believe they're gonna come up with DLC to depict just that? I wouldn't bet any money on it.

No publisher can be that greedy and stupid, right? RIGHT?
I know, I know. EA is the enemy. They love to bleed us dry, they come up with asshole tactics such as 1st day DLC, which isn't just massively overpriced, but also removes a whole lot of important lore, if you refuse to buy it. But would they really, deliberately keep the real ending to themselves and release it at a later date? Possibly even make it paid DLC? Sadly enough, I could totally see them do that kinda crap. Even sadder, I'd probably pay to see the real ending, if there was such a thing. But what about people, who just don't go online with their consoles? Did they all just buy a game with no real ending? This can't be right.

While I could definitely see EA being evil and money-hungry enough to do that sort of thing, I just don't see it happening. Besides, what kind of ending are people expecting? What do they want? A '20 years later' kind of thing, where everything has been rebuilt and all survivors live happily ever after? I thought most people already agreed that they're sick and tired of all that happy fairytale bullshit.

I love Mass Effect. I don't want it to end. But I'd much rather see it end while I still love it than have it go on and on and on until I grow sick and tired of it. And I'm sure they're gonna milk this fictional universe with more and more stupid novels, which will eventually become canon and then Chewbacca gets crushed by a moon. Oh wait...

-Cat

Mass Effect 3 Multiplayer - Why is this shit so much fun?

Gunshots echo all over the battlefield, and explosions rock the firebase, as four soldiers in heavy, futuristic armors run for their lives, guns blazing. They're surrounded by grossly mutated monsters, their heads exploding in the gunfire and splattering all over the walls and floors around them. A missile rips one of them to shreds, chunks of flesh raining down everywhere in the aftermath. They're shouting at each other, running as fast as they can, gunning down wave after wave of enemies. Every moment could be their last, every second counts. They focus their fire on one target after another, working like a well-oiled machine, operating at lightning speed. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, one of the mutants gently floats up in the air, hovers around the battlefield in slow motion like a meaty balloon, not a care in the world. Everything seems to stand still for a moment, there's just that surreal, floating monster, completely ignoring all the frenzied action around him, eager to sit among the clouds and hug the stars. That's biotic powers for ya.

It's weird shit like that, which keeps me coming back for more. Imagine one of your friends is cornered and asking for help in voice chat, you look him up on your HUD, race towards him and seemingly out of nowhere an enemy just rockets through your screen from left to right. The whole thing happens so fast, you're not even sure whether that really just happened, whether it was just lag or a fucked up bug, until you hear your biotic buddy laughing his ass off on voice chat.

At its core, the multiplayer mode in Mass Effect 3 is really just your basic horde-mode team shooter. You know, four guys fighting back ever-stronger waves of enemies until yall either kick the bucket or survive the final wave and make it out of there alive. They had that sort of thing ages ago, back in one of the later patches for Unreal Tournament and possibly even before that. And let's be honest here for a while: Did you play those games for that kinda thing or did you play them for their CTF, Domination and all the countless competitive modes, which aren't even included in ME3? I never gave a fuck about horde until now.

One awesome thing about playing this game with friends is how every player has their own unique abilities and a slightly different play style. We have the aforementioned pro-biotics (badum-tish!), your average soldier-type, who likes to shoot things with assault rifles, a pistol-wielding gunslinger and even some huge-ass space alien, who only carries a shotgun to beat baddies to pudding with it. That is, if headbutting the living shit out of them won't do the trick. I'm sure you can figure out where I fit in.

The real fun begins when you add all the abuse on voice chat. "You got four testicles and all of them are shooting blanks!" "Dude, you can't be a Salarian! You're too fucking ugly! Look... no! No! Shut up! It's not okay. Look at you! Fuck off!" "Stop headbutting my kills, you asshole!" "Banshee... Marauder... Brute... Kitten... Ravager..." "He's down! Don't heal him! Now's our chance to get some points! Kick him! Kick him hard!" "Nice. Piss off the Banshee, then run back to the rest of us."

The damn game features about five different maps and three types of baddies. There's also three difficulty levels: 'Pretty tough', 'You're not gonna survive' and 'You're completely fucked'. Seriously, there's practically no actual content worth mentioning and two out of the three difficulty settings are so fucking hard, one of them is close to unplayable, the other one is ten times harder than that. You also get a few credits for your efforts, which can be spent on special upgrade packs, which contain random items, 90% of which are entirely useless for your class and play style of choice.

Really. I should hate this game. Every aspect about it. But right now, for some reason which makes absolutely zero sense, I'm having a great time. Even with the limited features and relatively simplistic gameplay, the game leaves me and my friends enough room to be unique. I get to scream, grunt and punch stuff in the face. My buddies get to turn monsters into party balloons. We compete for points, we collect weapon upgrades and unlock new skills and... well, looks like that's all we need to have fun. Thinking this is gonna last for a long time wouldn't be realistic. You couldn't play Mario Kart or Smash Brothers non-stop for a month straight. And a friendly multiplayer session falls more or less into that category. With extra blood and gore, but you get the idea. But for what it's worth, I think this one's gonna last us for a while in short sessions. I wonder if we'll ever be able to tackle the highest difficulty level.

So yeah. For a couple hours every night, I AM KROGAN!

-Cat

Krogan because fuck you!

Holy shit, Bioware!

Truth time: I tend to be one of those bitter "first generation" gamers, who love bitching about how gaming used to be cool and now everyone, including my grandmother and my little sister, consider themselves fucking gamers. Gaming was my lonely, tropical island. Sure, there'd be the occasional weirdo floating by on a raft, hoping to find their own little island and all, but for the most part, it was a very exclusive club. Dwelling in a basement, crunching numbers and min-maxing characters, working out battle strategies to save virtual worlds the vast majority of people didn't even know existed.

Nowadays, my Island has turned into one of those *All Inclusive*, *All You Can Eat* kind of places full of fat, ugly tourists, who hang out in my favourite shady spot, watch the beautiful sunset before I can get there, leave their garbage everywhere and gather in circles around my favourite palm tree to take a massive piss on it. I know, I'm exaggerating a bit there and this image might be a bit freaky, but there are moments where this depicts exactly how I feel about gaming being a mass market. About games I used to love turning more and more casual to appeal to every last god damn idiot on the planet, including not only my grandmother, but also her dog, her guinea pig and their parasites. Games have to be simple enough to be playable by all of them.

I don't like stuff that appeals to the masses, is designed to attract them, I don't like sharing and I don't like the crowd that is drawn towards any of those things. People getting drunk till they throw up, people marking their territory with beach towels all around the hotel pool, only to stop showing up for the rest of the day. I tend to focus on the negative, on stuff that annoys me, on the dumbest fucks of them all. The gaming equivalent might be Dungeon Siege 3, I dunno.
But even with all the negativity, it was one of those tourist dumps where I've met my first love as a kid, had my first kiss and started my first ever relationship. She's a great girl, we had a kickass time and if both her and I had not been at one of those overcrowded hotels, one of my fondest memories in life simply wouldn't exist.

Maybe I'm focusing on the bad stuff too much. Not everything about games being for everyone and everyone referring to themselves as gamers is bad. What used to be a hobby, something only a select few would indulge in in their spare time, has become a big and important part of our culture. Gaming has evolved. It has become a form of art.

I can't help but feel utterly blown away by what's currently going on because of Mass Effect 3. I am, of course, referring to the game's controversial ending(s). Penny Arcade's Ben Kuchera explains very eloquently why he thinks the ending is fine, despite some obvious logical flaws, plot holes and the annoying deus ex machina - aka some stupid-ass new character one pulled out of their ass to explain away all remaining questions and loose ends. Gamefront's Ross Lincoln, on the other hand, explains what lots of fans are feeling right now: The ending is utter bullshit and could be so much better in so many ways.

I'm in awe at what's going on here. Countless gamers from everywhere around the globe are discussing, arguing, fighting, sharing their thoughts, ideas and feelings regarding the ending of a video game. Not just any video game, mind, but arguably the greatest interactive epic gaming has seen to this day. What's even more fascinating about all this is how those fans, who feel that Mass Effect deserves a better, more logical, more satisfying conclusion aren't raging, they're not threatening to boycot Bioware, they don't flat-out refuse to buy any of their future products. They're donating to charity - at this very moment, while I am writing this blog, supporters of the online petition for a "better ending" have already donated a whopping 33 grand to Child's Play. I'm sure it's gonna be much more than that by the time you're reading this.

I find that absolutely incredible. People aren't just protesting. They aren't simply complaining, bitching, threatening. Heck, I'm sure some of them are and I'd be the last person on earth to blame them. But a huge portion of them simply want to be heard. They are showing how serious they are, how much they care by doing something big. Something good!


No matter how/if/when Bioware are going to react to all this - one thing is certain: Shepard didn't just unite the whole universe. He didn't just settle century-old conflicts, made people forget about their hate against each other and had them join forces for a greater good. He has united gamers. At least a significant amount of them, at least for the time being, and they're doing something good. Because of how they feel about something they all have in common, something they feel passionate about.

I tried to save everyone I could whilst fighting back the Reaper invasion, solving century-old conflicts and conquered prejudice, hate and bigotry with tolerance and friendship. I am Commander Shepard. My girlfriend is humping her way across the galaxy, betraying potential allies for the sake of adding more and more to her ever-growing pile of credits, hoping to afford the biggest and deadliest weapons to blow up anyone who gets in her way. She is Commander Shepard. My buddy only surrounds himself with the most loyal companions as he fights the Reaper threat, leaving everyone behind who doubts him and sacrificing entire civilizations. He is Commander Shepard.

We all love this game. We're all fully aware that certain key-events in the game will always be the same for everybody, be it the ending sequence of Mass Effect 1 or the beginning of Mass Effect 2. But the journey, the circumstances that lead to these events, they're all vastly different for each and every one of us. Seeing how emotional and involved the fans are getting over the whole thing, seeing how attached we are to our characters, our crews, the adventure that lead to that weird, unexpected ending, is probably the greatest compliment to any game and its designers.

That said, shouldn't this inspire the guys at Bioware to listen to some of the criticism? We're not asking for a happy-happy-joy-joy cinematic with ponies and rainbows. Wouldn't be very believable, anyway. But maybe something without any last second surprise characters, without completely breaking some characters or magically teleporting actors light years away from where they were a minute ago? Maybe something at least a little bit closer to Bioware's original PR-nonsense about how the ending would be completely different for everybody, vastly depending on all of our choices and actions that took us there?

Once again, I think everyone is fully aware that it would be foolish to expect 128 completely different cutscenes before the final credit roll, influenced by every last detail, including how many times Shepard has flushed the toilet aboard the Normandy (you can actually do that). But come on. "Whenever a civilization is advanced enough, they begin creating synthetic life forms, which will always, inevitably rise against their creators to start a war, therefore we're sending synthetics to wipe out all organic life and avoid all war!" can't be it. You can do better than that.

Look what your game has started. Look at how your fans are responding. Look at how they're showing their appreciation, how badly they want to be heard. Throw them a bone, Bioware! You used to be cool, you know. But whatever may or may not happen from here on out - kudos on creating something that gets people so involved! Really amazing.

-Cat

Mass Effect: My two cents

NOTE: Respecting the fact that most of my friends are still in the middle of completing the trilogy, I am going to keep this entry as spoiler-free as somehow possible, except for the bit where I talk about the ending. I'll warn you once I get to that point, so if you'd rather not read about that bit, you will know where to stop. If you haven't played *any* of the Mass Effect games, watching the included videos will obviously give away parts of the story, as well.

When I first started playing Mass Effect back in '07*, I didn't like it much. Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. I ended up uninstalling it after just an hour or two of play time and didn't touch it again before the release of the 2nd part of the trilogy. The reason behind this is twofold: First of all, I was expecting a role-playing game, not a cover-shooter. Crouching behind some boulder, poking my head out while the enemy is reloading, waiting for my turn to shoot... yeah, I'm not that kinda guy. And blindly rushing in (shot)gun blazing failed most of the time, I lost patience, I didn't like it.
*Could have sworn it was '08, Wikipedia says otherwise.

More importantly, once I got to the actual role-playing bit, I was simply overwhelmed. Mass Effect takes a fuckton (that's an actual ingame-term I have recently acquired!) of lore and crams it down your throat. Here, eat this: The humans are represented by their so-called 'Alliance', then there are the Turians, who used to be at war with the humans during the 'First Contact War', but then they made up and you get to hang out with a Turian on your ship, who is also a Spectre and Spectres are these super cool galaxy rangers, who stand above the law and get to execute the will of the Council. Oh yeah, said  Council represents the galaxy's most advanced species, they're sci-fi space politicians, who get to hang around at the Citadel, which is a massive space station, which was supposedly created by the Protheans, who were a technically advanced species that got wiped out 50,000 years ago. There's also the Geth, a bunch of Synthetic super evil killing machines, which had been created by the Quarians and eventually rose against them and decided to wage war against all living beings in the galaxy - or so everybody seems to think. And that's only the first 20 minutes of actual gameplay...

Getting into Mass Effect feels like history homework. You get way too much information about all kinds of freaky alien races, technology, wars, politics, meaningful events and a quazillion other things, which quite frankly I didn't give a fuck about at the beginning of the game. If a game draws me in and feels fun to play, I want to learn more about its fictional universe - not the other way 'round.

Fortunately for me, I am part of a very active community of gamers, who love sharing their feelings regarding all the latest games. And everybody was talking about Mass Effect 2 the moment it came out. How much they loved it. How it was even more awesome than the first one. And I felt that I was missing out. So I grit my teeth and gave it another chance, starting with the first game (you keep your characters and progress throughout parts 1-3). I found it very difficult to keep track of all the background story and history lessons, what with my short attention span and everything, but things got gradually more interesting when I had my first epic moment on there:

(random Youtube video depicting that particular scene, this was not made by me)

Even with the shitty video quality on that Youtube clip and entirely devoid of context, this speech and the incredible music just might give you the goosebumps. This is where the game finally had me. This is where I felt I'm not just some random space grunt shooting stuff. It gave me purpose. I felt like I was doing something big. Yes, I'm that easy to manipulate.

As Mass Effect's story finally began to unfold, it became gradually more interesting until it completely sucked me in. Learning about the goings on in this virtual galaxy no longer felt like a chore - I genuinely cared for the characters, some of the impressive landmarks and the quirky, exotic alien species I stumbled upon. One particularly fascinating thing about this game is its open-minded take on love and sex. Your main character might be a guy, who falls in love with a girl, they get it on, nothing new here. Then again, your character might happen to be a girl, who falls in love with another girl. Said girl might be an alien. Once you get to the third game of the trilogy, one of your male crew members will tell you about his husband. A human female NPC can be overheard talking about her alien wife and their daughter. 

My character and her partner

Mass Effect treats love, sex and relationships as something good, something natural. It's not ashamed, it isn't awkward and it isn't afraid to make fun of it. Here is a female main character getting medical advice before intercourse with an alien:

(once again, this video is taken straight from Youtube and was not made by me)

Okay, I don't wanna give you the wrong impression here. This isn't some kind of sex simulation, it's all very tasteful and it's not the point of the game to shag your way across the galaxy - the name is Shepard, not Shatner. But as you are introduced to new team mates, as you fight side by side, watching each other's backs and saving each other's lives time and again, both your main character and you as a player might develop a strong emotional bond with some of your dearest comrades. And in some cases, these circumstances may lead to the characters in question falling in love with each other.

Of course there is always the other extreme: While Mass Effect gives you the chance to be a hero, constantly risking your own life for the sake of others, you can also be a complete asshole. Look at this:

Depending on how you behave, on how you solve your problems and treat the characters around you, your team mates will react and respond differently. This becomes especially noticeable at the end of Mass Effect 2, where many of the characters on your team can and will permanently die, if you have failed to earn their trust and loyalty. If you're that kind of person, then you might not care to see them again in the sequel. If you neglect them too much, however, then your main character might never return from his final mission in one piece, meaning he will never be alive to start Mass Effect 3. Because once everyone thinks you're a jerk not worth saving, it's gonna be fucking hard to survive. This is not a galaxy for lone wolves.

But don't get fooled into believing it's all about being good or evil. You can be the bravest, most pure-hearted hero in the universe and some friends are still going to die - by your own decision, on top of all things. Picture the following scenario: Two of your friends get abducted by the enemy and if you don't come to their aid, they will be killed. Problem is, you only get to save one of them, the other one will inevitably die. You know that, your friends know - the moment you pick one of them, your other friend knows you have just signed their death sentence. How do you make this decision? What do you base it on? Pick the one you feel closer to? Rescue the one who is better in combat? There is no right choice here and no matter what you do, the game leaves you feeling devastated.

All these decisions add up. The big and small ones. Seemingly small, meaningless dialogues and actions turn out to have a massive impact on the story later on, possibly saving or ending somebody's life.

I have just finished the whole trilogy and I'm watching Claire on her first playthrough right now. She is still in the middle of the first game and she has already made some decisions, which vastly differ from the things I did, beginning with her character's past. 

I am utterly fascinated by this. It is hard to describe this to anyone, who has never actually played Mass Effect. Many of my friends have started playing Mass Effect 3 at the same time as I have. And when we talked, it turned out that some of us had entirely different quests with different characters and different outcomes, simply because the characters involved in my particular storyline were no longer alive in theirs or vice versa. On your course through the game, you get to choose whether to spare or destroy certain bad guys. You get to grant political power to certain characters. All of these decisions bear effects of such magnitude, you won't believe it until you see it for yourself, because there has simply never been any other game to pull this off.

Most importantly, though, the storytelling in Mass Effect is brilliant, it's touching, it moves you and if you're the kind of person who just might cry because of a video game, it's Mass Effect that will make you:

It's difficult to watch this scene and remain utterly untouched by it, even if you've never played the actual game.

Right, now I'm going to talk about the ENDING, so if you still want to finish the game and you don't want any SPOILERS, STOP READING NOW!

***HERE BE SPOILERS!!! LEAVE THIS BLOG NOW!***

Mass Effect was always meant to be a trilogy, so it should be no big surprise that the end of the third and final game in the series is indeed very final. According to IGN, there are 16 different endings in total, but to most fans, all of them are considered so confusing and illogical, that some players insist the ending is actually just a hallucination or some kind of dream and the real ending will be revealed in upcoming DLC, while other fans have even started an online petition, demanding a better ending.

I was satisfied with my ending at first. The bad guys got destroyed, earth was saved, my character survived. You don't get the kind of ending that tells you whether all the different aliens, which you have united on your quest, will live happily ever after or whether they go back to fighting among themselves. You don't get the stereotypical ending that gives you a black and white still of each character and a little note, "Bob left the army and opened a bar in Hawaii. He still tells stories about his adventures with you to his grandchildren." The bad guys are dead, most of the good guys survive, that's all you get. And I don't mind this part of the ending. In fact, this is what Mass Effect is all about.

You see, Mass Effect's primary bad guys, the Reapers, want to eradicate all highly advanced organic life for one reason: Once they become too intelligent and too powerful, they bring war, chaos, destruction. So every 50,000 or so years, all the smart species get eradicated and only the basic and primitive life forms are left alive. That is, until they get advanced enough to bring "chaos".

There are various encounters where this supposed state of chaos is presented as hard, inevitable fact. The galaxy will screw up, there will be chaos, there is no way around termination in order to prevent it. And your character's stance on the whole thing is basically this: Maybe they will bring chaos, maybe they won't. But they should have the right and the freedom to give it a try and nobody has a right to just end their existence. Because if you're destined to just be wiped out completely at some point, there's no reason to live in the first place. That's the whole point. It's a fight for freedom. The freedom to do whatever the fuck you want, to be allowed to screw up or to show that you can be better than what the Reapers predict for you.

With that in mind, it doesn't matter whether the different tribes and races and species in the galaxy live happily ever after, holding hands, picking flowers and singing songs or whether they spend the next billion years fighting. The point is that they're alive to actually do all those things. There is no more Reaper threat that might completely wipe them all from the galaxy. I can accept this part of the ending.

That said, friends and forum users have pointed out flaws and problems with the ending, which I find difficult to disagree with. At the very end of the game, you barely survive an attack, wandering around the area in a dizzy, bloodied state, more dead than alive. Your characer is in a trance of sorts and spends the rest of the game in that state. You see a few corpses, but for some strange reason your team mates are nowhere to be found - neither dead nor alive. You do the zombie shuffle to a transporter beam and teleport up to activate a so-called 'catalyst' that triggers a super weapon, built to destroy the reaper threat once and for all. 

Once there, the catalyst appears to you as the talking hologram of a child - the same child you fail to save back on earth, which haunts your character's nightmares ever since. Why the catalyst would choose this appearance, nobody knows. Most of all, the little bugger has a very surprising change of heart: He tells you that he controls the reapers and that he has to destroy you and all advanced races in the galaxy to prevent chaos. You know, that thing I described up there. When you tell him how you feel about the whole thing, the freaky hologram sees things your way. Why? God knows. But depending on your actions throughout the trilogy, you get presented with three options: 

1. Control the reapers and get them to stop their attack, sacrificing your own life in the process. 2. Destroy the reapers and all synthetic life in order to bring peace. The catalyst suggests that *all* synthetic life will die, including your character, who is partially synthetic. Interestingly enough, this is the only option that actually ends the game with your charcter surviving! And there's also 3. Make all life in the galaxy partially organic and synthetic, thus reaching what is supposedly the highest form of evolution. The catalyst suggests that this would ultimately bring peace to the galaxy. Why? Fuck if I know. But choosing this option turns everybody into a cyborg and your character gets killed. Not very satisfying.

The whole thing makes absolutely no sense. First the reapers are hell-bent on everybody's destruction, it's fate, it's meant to be, blah-de-blah, the holographic kid himself tells it to you and from one moment to another he's like: "Eh, nevermind. I'll let you destroy or control them or you can even turn all organic life into cyber-organisms. I dunno why, I just feel like it." His reasoning literally is: "The citadel has changed me. I have more possibilities now." What the hell is that even supposed to mean? So he didn't have the possibility to stop the reapers before or what? He just said he controls them anyway. What changed his mind? And why?

Here's the next thing: No matter, which of these options you choose - next thing you see is your ship flying away, trying to escape the aftermath of the ensuing destruction. Eventually, the ship crashes on some lush, green planet and you see some of your crew members climbing out enjoying the view. How  does that make sense? Just a few moments ago, every single one of them were down on Earth with you, fighting back the Reaper invasion on all fronts and now they're in space, flying around in your ship? How? Why?

Then there's the scene where your character comes back to life. You see their burnt armor underneath some rubble, then you hear a gasp in your character's voice, suggesting they're not dead. So where did all that rubble come from? Where the hell are you? What happened? The game doesn't say. Logic suggests you got beamed back down to earth, some people even say you never actually really made it to the catalyst and it was all just a hallucination, possibly induced by the Reapers, themselves.

No matter how you twist and turn it: The whole thing is highly disappointing and not very satisfying. Maybe the ending was just rushed, they missed their own gaping plot holes and this is really it. Or maybe the raging community is right and the whole thing is gonna turn out to be some clever mind trick, played on you by the Reapers, which is all going to be resolved in some upcoming DLC. I don't know which of these two possibilities are worse. If I'm paying good money for a game, I'd like to get everything, including a proper ending. It is not okay to release the actual ending as future added content, especially when I might have to pay in order to access it.

If it turns out that this is indeed it, the ending is official canon and all this weird holographic kid, crew disappearing on a ship without you, your character buried in rubble nonsense is all supposed to be the real deal, then I can't help but wonder what the fuck happend here. This game features some of the best storytelling I ever had the pleasure to experience. At its best times, it was more touching, moving and inspiring than any book I've ever read and any film I have ever watched. But a half-assed ending like this leaves me feeling hollow and disappointed. There is no real sense of victory, no sense of achievement here. I'm genuinely trying to figure out what the hell really happened. And should it turn out that what some fans suggest is right and they might release a real, actual ending that explains all these plot holes as added DLC, then that's just downright evil. This is not how you should treat loyal fans and customers. This is not the kind of crap you'll expect after playing through what might be the most exciting story you'll ever see in any game to this day.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what this weird ending is all about. I seem to be missing the message here. Was this thing just rushed, is it unfinished, incomplete, something they had to come up with because they ran out of time or is there more to come? Am I supposed to get stoned off my ass to understand the true meaning of this thing? Somebody help me! I'm seriously lost!

All bitching and moaning about the final moments aside, I had one hell of a ride. Originally, I had filmed every last bit of the final mission, every fight, every moment of dialoge, all to the very end, hoping to share it with you. But I can't even get myself to look at the strange ending again. Instead, I'll just put my character's final speech on here, before the last push, before the big showdown. That's the way I want to remember her. Not as some weird, crawling zombie, who gets left behind by her crew for reasons nobody can explain.

-Cat Shepard

Mass Effect 3 Multiplayer = Win

Whee! ♥

Diablo 3 and eating like a pussy

The PR-Demo... sorry, "beta" version of Diablo 3 has been around for a while, tons of people have already played it and now that the actual game is rumored to be released sometime next month, I finally got access to it, as well.

I won't lie to you: I started losing interest when I saw the graphics and they've pretty much lost me when I saw all the playable classes. Long before an actual beta. That said, much unlike any die-hard Diablo fan, I have never worshipped Diablo 2 as the best game of all times. Played it till the end a few times, had some fun LAN matches with friends, that's it. That was ten years ago.

My main gripe with Diablo 3, aside from the fact that it's a brand new game that looks 10 fucking years old, is how the playable classes don't appeal to me one bit. The original Diablo had a warrior class. Full plate, kite shield, right up my alley. Diablo 2 had something rather similar with the paladin. There was also the shape-shifting druid, who could turn into a werewolf and other fun stuff. Now there's Diablo 3. No warrior, no paladin, no nothing clad in shiny full plate. No werewolves, either. Closest thing I get is the barbarian and I just don't like that guy:

He's fat, he's nude and he's simply no fun to play, but I'll get into that later. Other classes include the Wizard and the Witch doctor. Did I mention I like playing warriors? Those guys are not an option. Then there's the monk. Again. You know, (MMO)RPGs going Asia stopped being cool sometime around the days of Diablo 2. Every fucking game has their stupid katanas, ninjas, samurai helmets and bamboo forests now. As a guy who plays Korean F2P grind fests for a living, I don't find Asian-themed stuff appealing anymore.
And then there's one for the emo faction:

The Demon Hunter. Yeah. Skinny goth dude with a hood and dual crossbows. Most of his armors include a red, flowy scarf. Seriously. It's an anorexic version of Van Helsing with a borderline gay sense of fashion. I know there's a whole new generation of gamers who can't fucking WAIT to play this guy, but come on. What the fuck.

Well. Since I dislike the entire class selection of Diablo 3, I went with what I found the easiest class to tolerate and rolled a big, fat barbarian. And I'll admit it's fun to whack zombies really hard, make the screen shake with every hit, watch the corpses fly all over the place and all that. But that's as good as it gets. Barbarians generate fury with every swing, which can be used to trigger extra powerful special attacks. A bit like warriors and rage on WoW. Problem is, those fury attacks feel entirely dissatisfying. They do slightly more damage than the swings that generate fury, they're really not all that spectacular and it didn't really make any difference when I ignored them completely. To be fair, the beta ends somewhere around level 10, but during that period, playing a Barbarian was mildly entertaining at best.

They also got castrated. Remember WoW's Titan's Grip? The ability that lets warriors dual-wield two-handed weapons? The whole thing started with the Barbarian in Diablo 2, who could use two-handed swords as though they were one-handed. There's no such thing in Diablo 3. You still get to dual wield regular-sized weapons, but that's simply not as badass.

I have also rolled a female Demon Hunter. I'm not a huge fan of the play style they require: Ranged attacks, traps, speed and agility over strength, that kinda stuff. That said, I found this class pretty fun to play. Shooting arrows that split up and ricochet, hitting several baddies at once and making them explode is pretty neat. I could see myself playing one of those to the level cap in the retail version. Nothing beyond that, but it's still a good thing.

As for character customization and development, well... you no longer get to distribute your attribute points by hand. Skills are automatically unlocked as you level up and there are no more talent trees. Instead, you get to choose from three different skills per six hotkeys on your action bar and each of these skills may be boosted with various runes, which also unlock as you gain levels. Every character of the same class and level will have the exact same base stats and the exact same pool of abilities and skills, picking their six favourite ones anytime they want with only a slight cooldown in between changes.

It's easier than the old skill and attribute system, which makes sense, considering Diablo 3 goes out of its way to hand-hold people, who have never played a video game before. Onscreen hints include popups like: "You have picked up an item", "One of your equipment slots is empty" and "This is your map" RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING ONSCREEN MAP!

To be fair, my bitching about this game is based solely upon my personal taste. Others might love every single one of the playable classes and some might even welcome the simplistic new character development system. I'm not saying it's bad, it simply doesn't appeal to me.

That said, I wouldn't expect Diablo 3 to be a smashing success, either. Not just because of what dear Mr. Bashiok said. Not even because of all the real money auction house drama. But simply because absolutely everything about this game has been done. When the first Diablo came out, there was absolutely nothing like it. Diablo 2 has improved upon the first one in many aspects and while there were a few diablo-inspired games such as Darkstone or Lamentation Sword, none of them had ever become anywhere near as successful or popular as the original.

But once again - that was ten years ago. Between Diablo 2 and the upcoming 3rd game of the series, tons upon tons of Diablo-inspired games have been released. And I'm not just referring to obvious stuff such as Torchlight or Dungeon Siege or less popular games like Silverfall and Mage Knight Apocalypse. We're talking about fucking Browser Games, which basically do everything you get in Diablo 3:

Yup, it's a browser-game. No client, no download, it works just like that. I'm not saying it's ever gonna be as big or hyped as Diablo - that's not the point. What I'm saying is: These games are there. They exist, they work, they're being played. Diablo 3 simply isn't as unique or special as its predecessors.

And now to something completely different:

Healthy living. Fuck! (Ironically, there's a pizza hut menu hidden underneath that chopping board)
I hate doing what everybody else does. I have never touched anything with Harry Potter in or on it. I hated the Matrix before part 2 and 3 came out. And I sure as fuck don't wanna be like all those douchebags on Facebook, who keep on babbling about how they're counting calories and how they cook vegetable-based sauces now. Healthy food is all the rage. But I love my bacon, extra-cheesy pizzas with 38 trillion toppings and cheese-stuffed crust and ice-cold coke. Hell, I finally live in a country where you can just buy a damn can of coke, drink it and throw it away like god intended it to be. In Germany, you gotta save the damn things for their stupid return fee! Ahem, anyway...

Turns out I love my cheese and bacon a little too much. There's a photograph of me decorating a pub in town, because I can eat more than most regular human beings. And it's reaching a point where it's quite literally not pretty anymore. My old man used to live the life of a fatty and ended up getting Diabetes. And I'm reaching a point where I have to accept that my shrinking shirts aren't just the washing machine's fault. When I had a regular day job, I'd spend all day running around, catching trains and buses and waiting for even more trains and buses, I'd be up and about all day. Now I'm parking my lazy ass in front of the PC working at home and there's simply no need to leave the house. They're even delivering the damn groceries. I don't have a car, I don't wanna walk to the supermarket 20 minutes and back, carrying the food for a week. I'm a lazy bastard.

Problem is, when you're not really doing anything all day and you keep stuffing your face with unhealthy shit, it starts to show. Huge surprise there, I know.
So I've done that one thing I loathe, done what every idiot is doing these days and just looked at all the ingredients of all my favourite dishes and started counting the calories. Holy fuck. I'm rather pleased I haven't suffered any severe heart attacks, lately.

Long story short, we've thrown out everything that is bad for our health. Cream? Say hello to fat-free yoghurt. Which, surprisingly, is still far from healthy, but it's an improvement. Cheese? Say hello to... well, fond memories of cheese, really. I can't have cheddar, plain and simple. Pork, make way for skinless chicken. Bland, dry, boring skinless chicken. Sigh.

Hey, you can still cook some awesome stuff using only healthy ingredients. A kickass curry, for instance. We've been doing the healthy thing for a week now, next week's load of healthy shit is already on it's way and we've been counting calories like morons. I'm not topping 1800 calories a day. Ever. It's not gonna make a huge difference. I won't magically shrink over night. But it's a pretty doable, easy way to eat without growing an XXL-ass in the process.

Funny thing is, I'm already feeling pretty great, physically (emotionally is a whole different story) - after one lousy week. It's probably a placebo, but I'm getting my ass out of bed much easier now, I don't feel groggy and exhausted all day and - just between us - healthy food turns into some pretty awesome shit. You know, the kind of turd that just goes swish!


Problem is, I'm having insane cravings. I'd quite happily murder somebody for a pizza. Without hesitating. Or a triple whopper with bacon. I'm a MAN, I wanna hunt down a mammoth, roast it over an open fire and wrap my teeth around it! I don't wanna nibble on a fucking carrot or some bland chicken like a total pussy.

It's all about the right mindset. When I see healthy food, I picture some academic couple. Tall, scrawny, no children, no sense of humour, he's probably a math teacher or something. They plant sunflowers and enjoy going to the museum. I dunno, man...

You see, Claire and I sit around playing video games all day. Naked. We tried clothes at home, which ended in Claire standing in front of the living room window, flashing her tits at passing cars, waiting for someone to honk. Their horn, not her boob. And that kind of lifestyle goes best with pizza. It's the law. You just don't say "Hey, let's get naked, play Call of Duty, burp like cows and eat raw cucumbers all weekend long!"

And that's the problem right there. I can get used to eating chicken instead of pork. I can live with self-made sauces made from vegetable juices and flour instead of the easy insta-crap that comes from a sachet. Takes a while to adapt, but it's still food, it keeps me going and being physically fit and taking amazing shits is a huge plus. But it doesn't make me feel like a man. Men don't roast a fucking bell pepper over an open fire. "Men" who would seriously consider doing that sort of shit are people like Jamie Oliver. I don't like modern chefs. Skinny, healthy people, who cook healthy stuff. I want a fat  guy to cook for me on TV! Sigh...

Some of my friends get over that by "rewarding" themselves "once a month". You know, saying it's okay to have a weekend pizza or to hang out at Burger King every once in a while to satisfy that craving. I don't wanna do that for several reasons. First of all, we all know how "once a month" works out. It doesn't. Does anyone seriously keep track of how, when and where they had their last burger? Besides, actually treating junk food as a reward of sorts is highly counter-productive. Why do I have to be rewarded? For eating healthy stuff? For suffering through it? If I consider pizza a reward, it automatically turns healthy stuff into some kind of punishment.

And that's wrong. If I pull off this whole healthy food crap, it's not punishment. It's not even some kind of temporary diet or some means to lose weight. It's for life. What's the point in me abandoning all cheese and cream and what have you, if I do so for a month or two or even a year, only to go back to consuming nothing but raw fat and sugar all over again? That's how I got there in the first place. Realistically speaking, I can't take these things in moderation. So the only way to fix this is by staying the fuck away from them - permanently.

I don't want this to be some kind of diet. Or a phase. This is the way I want to live. I'm 30 years old now and I'd like to make it past 50. Don't get me wrong - I had 30 happy years of not giving a shit about what, when and how much I ate, but that's gonna change now. I'll be craving pizza a LOT. I'll feel like a pussy a lot. But I'll get over it. Turns out I'm craving normal blood pressure and cholesterol more than junk food.

At least that's what I'm saying right now. We'll see how I feel about this a month from now. Haha!

-Cat