Age of Conan - And why you should fucking play it

You've probably heard it by now - Age of Conan is now "free to play". So let's get the ugly bit out of the way, first: It really isn't that free. You can grab the game and get started and get all the way to the maximum level without ever paying a single penny, but you'll have to deal with some major cuts such as:

- Only 4 out of 12 playable classes available (tank, healer, magic dps, physical dps)
- No access to some of the dungeons
- Raids are limited to the beginning of the lowest tier
- Limited chat and mail functions
- Limited PvP
- Character development stops at max level
- Limited inventory space, especially at the early stages
- Only 2 character slots

At first glance, the whole thing doesn't seem to be much more than an extended trial. And yes, some of the limitations can be a bit frustrating and unfair. 75% of all classes are labelled "premium" and require a monthly subscription (15 Euros) or a special unlock token, which costs 5 Euros per class? I'm pretty sure nobody would shell out extra bucks for so-called premium classes in games like Allods or Runes of Magic. To be fair, though, Hyboria is worlds apart from most of the F2P stuff you know and hate and unlike the majority of cash shops out there, the stuff in Age of Conan doesn't have any annoying time limits on it.

So, let's say you really want to play an assassin, so you go unlock one for some small change. Or you want more inventory space and you go buy a bigger backpack in the item shop. That stuff stays with you for good and doesn't magically disappear after 7 or 30 days.

So, if you just try the game for the heck of it and find yourself enjoying it, it's perfectly alright to spend small amounts here and there to add bits and pieces of convenience to your overall gaming experience. Still beats shelling out 50 Euros for a game you end up hating after a few hours.

If you're not a total newcomer and you want to have another go at the game, you may reactivate any two of your existing characters, even if they're premium-classes. In this case, there's no need to resubscribe or unlock anything to get back to your old toon, though all the other f2p limitations still apply.

AoC has tits, pissing pirates and you can rip people's beating hearts out of their chests and eat them. Yay!

In the event that you have spent the past couple of years under a rock and you have never even looked at Age of Conan, go poke yourself with a sharp stick. Now! Harder!

If you're looking for a game, which is hard, unforgiving, dirty, violent and full of scumbags, which make the WoW community feel like a friendly tea party in comparison, then Age of Conan is for you. You can rip a defeated enemy's heart out of their chest, take a hearty (durrr) bite and laugh at their face as they drop on their knees and die before you. Swing a massive two-handed sword and cut people's arms off before sending their severed head flying all over the place. Grow a beard and show off your manly six-pack when you take off your armor. Or your tits, depending on your character's gender. That's right, kids - girls have boobies and there's plenty of them to be seen here in all their polygonal glory!

Off with his head! Fatalities cover your screen in strawberry jam.

Age of Conan's combat system is a lot more dynamic and fast-paced than the relaxed button-klicking you know from other MMOs. Just activating a hotkey won't do the trick on here - you'll have to actively pull off a combination of swings and blows to perform your special moves. And it doesn't end there: If you want to truly master your class, you will have to learn how to switch weapon sets on the fly and impale a baddie with your lance, then switch to sword and board the next second and send his friends flying with a mighty shield bash. Skill counts more than gear, especially in pvp. Same goes for your abilities and skills - assign them the way it suits your style and personal taste instead of cloning the current flavour of the month and playing exactly like everybody else. Of course there is still plenty of room to fuck up, but you do get lots of space for individualism.

AoC looks amazing and performs incredibly well!

Age of Conan is easily one of the most impressive-looking MMORPGs out there. It might not look as breath-taking as, say, Final Fantasy XIV, but it runs like a charm on most semi-decent systems. To be fair, it took them long enough to get there, but now that it's practically free... well, gift horse and all that.

I won't lie to you: Beneath the rough, gritty surface, behind all the violence, fancy graphics and the fast-paced combat, Age of Conan isn't anything highly innovative or surprising. You get your run of the mill quests (kill this, loot that), a handy selection of dungeons (solo and group ones) and once you hit the level cap, you get to fight your way through three tiers of raid dungeons or fight other players in pvp battlegr... pardon, "minigames" to get your epic pvp gear.

So if you're bored with that same old kind of MMO or you're generally offended by tits and gore, then Age of Conan is not for you. If, however, you're looking for an online game, which shares most of its features with games such as World of Warcraft, without being as candy-coloured, retard-friendly and dumbed down as, well, World of Warcraft, then Age of Conan might be worth a try. The download costs you nothing at all, neither do the four basic classes or your first two character slots and if you ever want full access to everything the game has to offer, then all you have to do is subscribe and pay the usual monthly fee. No need to actually buy the game, no need to use the item shop - and if you ever cancel your subscription, you'll still get to play it. With heavy drawbacks, mind, but that still beats having no free access to the game at all.

-Cat

Derek & Belinda - if the Warcraft movie was like WoW

Alterac Valley. Two massive armies are forming on opposite sides of the area, preparing for the big, deadly confrontation that appears to be unavoidable when two such formidable forces, two unstoppable, bloodthirsty battalions collide. Maybe one of them, a rogue with a typical, rogue-like name such as Darkshadowdeathravenbloodfang is giving an inspiring speech, Braveheart-style: "CAKE, YOU FUCKS! Go rush Derek!"

Out of nowhere, the horn of war is sounded, the gates fling open and soldiers are pouring into the valley from both sides, bloodthirsty and eager to kill. Except for about half a dozen people on both sides, who just stand there, motionless, not doing anything at all. Maybe one of them is sitting down with a sandwich and a porn magazine, occassionally looking at his watch, hoping the whole thing will be over soon, so he can reap his reward.

Up at the front, some soldiers are being followed by their allies, no matter where they go. If they stand still, their followers stand still. If they move, their followers will move. They don't fight, they don't talk and they're not really good for anything - they just exist for some strange reason.

When the armies finally meet right at the middle of the valley, their numbers have already shrunk significantly - not as a result of raging battle, however - both sides have lazy soldiers sitting around eating sandwiches or blindly walking into trees. And when the active, conscious warriors finally come within reach of the enemy, when the two massive forces finally ride so close to one another that bloodshed cannot possibly be delayed for another second, the unbelievable happens: Nothing.


One army rides past the other, there is no fighting, not a droplet of blood is spilled, not a single warrior defeated. That's when the orcish captain Galvangar freezes in horror, as dozens of Alliance soldiers pour into his fortress and tear him to shreds. In his final moments, he stares at a bunch of shaman quintuplets in disbelief, as they drain his very life with their magicks in perfect synchronisation. Five identical shamans, dressing and moving and acting as if they were one, as though one invisible puppeteer pulled all of their strings at exactly the same time.
Meanwhile, the Horde soldiers ravage captain Balinda Stonehearth, then proceed to torch every single alliance bunker they can find. "OMG def Belinda!" can be heard from one of the Alliance fighters, who is bravely watching over a little hill, but his cry comes too late. At the end of the day, the forces of the Horde and Alliance have burnt down several buildings and killed two captains and one general in total. Eighty people going to war, three casualties. And both sides are honoured, praised and rewarded handsomely by their respective battlemasters.

Of course, true honour and glory can only be found in the arena. And the crowd cheers and howls in ecstasy as a warrior chases after a priest, who is running around a pillar in circles, over and over again. Every two or three minutes, the warrior catches up with his opponent and deals a mighty blow with his axe, but the priest's wounds magically close within the blink of an eye and he soon resumes running around the pillar. 30 minutes later, the fight ends in a draw, as neither combatant was able to slay their opponent. What a great battle!

Since the main characters of the movies are said to be Alliance-based, I'll assume that a big portion of the film will happen in Stormwind. Imagine a spectacular camera-flythrough across the capital city of the Alliance. A bunch of naked, female dwarves worshipping a statue of Chuck Norris on their knees. A bearded man in a pink dress dancing on top of a mailbox. Two night elves arguing over the size of their swords in their strange, magical language. "OMFG wrath noob! TBC was best!1" - "FU!!"
A screaming warrior is running through the streets, arms flailing, his head decorated with a burning gladiator's helmet. "AUUUUUGH! MY FUCKING FACE! AAAAAAAH! WHY THE HELL AM I WEARING A BURNING HELMET???"

And as fantasy film clichés go, the story is likely to feature a young, inexperienced adventurer named Wtflol, who puts on his moldy leather vest and a blunt dagger to go out on his very own adventure. Oh and of course his father was a great swordsman, who ended up disappearing or got killed in a war or some shit.
Wtflol still possesses his father's enchanted battleaxe and his full suit of adamantine plate armor, which he had neatly stored away at the local bank. He would just keep them at home, but sadly, most people in Azeroth don't own a house.

Wtflol wouldn't dream of using his old man's gear for himself, because he doesn't know how to use plate armor, yet. He also doesn't know how to wield a powerful axe. He might learn these things someday, but the people of Azeroth are a little slow and many of them only figure out how to put on heavier pieces of armor as they grow older. Some of them never do.

When Wtflol steps outside through the city gates of Stormwind and into Elwynn Forest, he is greeted by half a dozen fellow adventurers, who don weapons and armor forged from the very skin and bones of dragons and demons. Their swords burn with magical fire, their shields are imbued with the strength of titans and before poor Wtflol knows what's going on, he already finds himself challenged to a duel.

Each and every one of them keep challenging him, they strike him down time and again, a mere touch of their magically enhanced arms powerful enough to knock the poor soul into next week. Middle school all over again!

When Wtflol finally goes on his merry way, he finds himself carrying out heroic deeds such as slaying wild  boars, kobolds, wild boars, spiders, wild boars, some gnolls and of course wild boars. He also befriends a hunter, who is proficient at using every tiny bit of gear they come across and his friend never stops stressing the fact that he can and must indeed use everything they find. For reasons unbeknownst to Wtflol, the hunter is wearing a cloth robe, leather pants, a chain coif and there's even a pair of plate gloves in his backpack. He isn't really using them, but he says it's still important for him to have them. He also carries an assortment of daggers, swords, axes, polearms, guns and crossbows.

He also taught Wtflol a magic spell, telling him to shout it at the top of his lungs whenever he finds himself in trouble. "NEED HIGHLVL TO BOOST THRU DM PLZ!!1"

But let's forget about the great possibilities for epic battle and awesome storytelling for a moment and focus on all the exciting landscapes and creatures we can expect from a Warcraft film, most of which is stuff we have never seen before in any other movie! A green, prehistoric valley full of dinosaurs and ravaging raptors! Pyramids! A whole lot of god-like beings and monsters stolen from Norse mythology so blatantly, they couldn't even be arsed to come up with unique names (Loken? Tyr? Fuck off!) and even action-packed adventures under the sea, where the brave adventurers of Azeroth ride magical seahorses!

I'm sure that the dull, uninspired and derivative world of Warcraft is not going to bother anyone in a movie. Heck, people still watch crap like Transformers! But if they showed Azeroth the way it *really* is, then it would be the best fucking comedy of this century.

-Cat

Like it or not - "Free 2 Play" is the future

Let me get right to the point: If you're hosting an online game for profit and you're not the proud owner of a monstrosity like World of Warcraft, then going for a subscription-based system is no longer worth it. Think about it - everyone out there is currently playing and paying for their favourite MMO right now. And they're not very likely to leave their game of choice to have a look at yours, if doing so means having to sign up for a monthly payment plan.

A free 14 day trial or "play free forever up to level 20" won't do much to change that, because it's just not very attractive to know you're gonna have to pay or stop playing in the very near future. It will attract people, who are currently looking for something new, but anyone perfectly happy with "their" game, won't leave it for some free trial. That's where "F2P" comes in.
Bend over, open wide and say 'YEAAAAARGH!' - you're about to get fucked.

F2P attracts people, because basically, it *really* doesn't cost anything, you get to level up all the way you want and there is no trial to stop you, either. Which, of course, is a load of crap, but "play free for all eternity" simply sounds better than "play free for 2 weeks".

There are a select few F2P-games out there, which are actually fair and pretty enjoyable, even when you pay very little to no amounts of money. Take La Tale, for instance. The game itself might not be everyone's cup of tea, but if you buy a fancy costume or an armor enhancement, the thing stays for good. No time limit, no artificial monthly fees. And when you really enjoy a game, shelling out a fiver every once in a while isn't such a bad thing.

Then there's Hellgate Global. The one mandatory item everybody needs from the cash shop is a special ticket, which unlocks the 2nd half of the game. The clever thing about said item is that you can trade it with other players or sell it on the auction house. So if you don't want to shell out the 4 Dollars they charge for it in the cash shop, save up some ingame money, but it off another player and you're all set. It's also a great way to counter annoying gold-sellers. Why buy ingame money from some creepy Asian dude on Ebay when you can just legally buy stuff in the cash shop and sell it to other players within seconds - and for TONS of ingame money?

Alas, most "free" games never really work that way. Neither does Hellgate. The other day, they added skill points to the cash shop. I shit you not. Spend 5 Dollars, get an extra skill point to upgrade your character with - you can have up to 10 of those. And since the PvP arena is the only thing left to do after beating the storyline, this is no longer "Free 2 Play" - it's Pay 2 Win.

Then there are games, which failed with a subscription-based system and switched over to F2P. "Play the original game and pay absolutely nothing!" Yup. If you want to play a bare-bones version, which is so incredibly limited it might as well be a demo, knock yourself out. Some of the playable races and classes, which were available to everyone in the former pay2play version are suddenly labelled premium. Wanna play those? Pay up - or be a human warrior like everybody else! Want access to all the dungeons in the game? Pay up! Wanna be able to do every quest in the game without being forced to grind? Pay up! Want more than one lousy inventory bag, which is chock-full of quest items and other useless shit you're not allowed to throw away? Or a neat costume to stop looking like a total noob? Or a cool mount? Pay, pay and pay some more - every 30 days! Because that's all the rage now - they don't just ask people for money if they want to have access to the most basic stuff. They slap a time limit on it, so you have to pay over and over again.

The selling argument here is, that, in theory, "you can obtain everything we sell in the cash shop simply by playing the game." And yes, I can very well get cluster-fucked by several fleets of fully geared-up, max level veterans in Battlestar Galactica, whilst dying my way up towards the level cap at snail's pace. Or I just pay a ton of money for the experience points in their fucking item shop.
And who would want to fight their way through the frustrating and tedious dungeons in the heavily pvp-orientated Soul of the Ultimate Nation, when you can buy entire epic sets of gear for real cash?

Face it, folks: F2P is the future. And not fun, fair F2P, where your costumes, inventory slots, mounts or pets stay forever after you pay for them. They're gonna milk you for every last penny - because it works. Think about it - you're used to having a convenient 120 spaces in your inventory, a nice, steady rate of experience and some fancy pet, which gets you lots of attention and collects all of your loot, so you don't have to. And then, the 7/14/30 day limit on all of that shit runs out, suddenly you find yourself with 30 inventory slots, you level up at snail's pace and nobody asks about your pet, because it just disappeared. And you have to bend over for your loot again! You've paid for all of this crap before and you can be sure as fuck you'll pay for it again! Even if it seems to be cheaper than the monthly fee other people pay on WoW. But soon enough, they'll add some really awesome new costumes, even better experience potions or a special key to unlock rare mithril chest, which have a .005% chance to contain epic loot.

The really hilarious thing about all of this is how most of this shit happens in games, which are officially in "open beta" and  remain that way for all eternity. Because they have no customer support, no real content, a shit-ton of bugs and the most awful English quest notes and dialoges, one could possibly imagine. "Sorry guys, it's still beta, we're gonna fix all of that in the release version." But release never comes. However, you can bet your ass they're adding arsetons of new crap to the god damn item shop with every update.

You know, games like World of Warcraft or Rift might not be the prettiest or the most inventive games around these days. But at least I don't get screwed over on there. Of course, with Blizzard's ever-increasing amount of store-based mounts and pets and their so-called "premium" services, this might be subject too change in the not so distant future.

YOU ARE NOT PRE...MIUM!

-Cat

Modern medicine screws up long-term relationships

Claire and I have made an interesting observation the other day: If it wasn't for modern medicine, we both would have died ten times over. Removing my bursting appendix had been a routine job even the janitor could have performed at the local hospital - but without the operation I'd be writing this blog as a zombie right now. Hmm... now that'd be kinda cool. But I digest.

Pneumonia. Had it three times, but modern antibiotics make the whole thing a lot less risky than it used to be. People used to die from that crap. Being the early bird that she is, Claire probably would have kicked the bucket right after birth.
It's amazing what science can do these days - need a hip replacement? No problemo! Heck, they're already working on robotic hand replacements! Not anywhere near as cool as the stuff you see in the Terminator movies, but we're getting there. They can now replace your damaged heart valve with one from a pig. Oink!

Having the possibility to get over ailments, which would have been crippling or even fatal not too long ago, it's perfectly normal to live for a hundred years and more. And that was absolutely unthinkable when marriage was invented. Statistically, every second marriage is doomed to fail nowadays. They didn't need a divorce back in the middle ages - till death do us part and all that.

Think about it. In those dark and dirty times, the plague, famines and shitty health insurance would make sure that either you or your significant other wouldn't make it past your late thirties. Imagine a guy taking a massive dump in a river. Explosive diarrhea. You're one mile down that river, drinking from it, because you're in the middle ages, your sink is clogged and they haven't invented plumbers, yet. That's how sanitary those times were.
And if you really needed a break from your wife, you could always hang out with the boys on a crusade or accuse the missus of witchcraft and enjoy one final barbecue together. Beats losing 50% of your stuff after going through a divorce.

Today our water is filtered, witches are now cool with all the goth kids and there's a pretty good chance that most of us are gonna live twice, maybe three times as long as those lucky people back in the middle ages. And that can be stressful on any relationship.

Picture a pair of soggy, 60 year old tits. Now add another ten years. And another. And so on. You can see where I'm going with this. Even with modern boner pills, you had better be mad in love with your significant other - or sport some incredibly powerful imagination. And if you're male - look at your scrotum. Do it right now. Count the wrinkles all over it. The thing looks what, 50, 60 years old, even when you're only 20? Now add another 50 years to that!


Now imagine waking up next to Lady Wobbletits or Captain Leathersac every single day. For the rest of your life. If you can honestly say that you don't mind and you're just as much in love as ever, then you're either delusional or a really, really lucky bastard. In every other case, you're screwed - if you're drooling over a perky 20 year old and your wang is still as al dente as Silvio Berlusconi's, there is no way in hell she'd ever make out with an old fart like you. Unless you're in fact Silvio Berlusconi. Money and power seem to help counter the nasty side effects of aging.

So what are you gonna do after an argument with your partner, when you're both old and your skin has turned to man-jerky? Make-up Scrabble? Whatever it is, judging by the way my grandparents treat each other, it can't be very fun. The two loathe one another. But they're firm catholics - and as such, you don't get a divorce. EVER!

It makes me wonder. Will Claire and I still find each other sexy, 50 years from now, when my nuts dangle around my ankles and her nipples will touch her knees? Scary thought. I'm almost happy that KFC, my job and my ex wife will make sure I'll never live long enough to find out.

-Cat